Yesterday I met up with a friend I do breakfast with once a month. First thing out of her mouth was, "Man, you look great. How do you always seem so put together?"
This? Made me laugh. For about ten minutes.
I'll show you why. Here was my putting-together process yesterday for my breakfast date.
I give my secrets, because I love.
1. Wake up to alarm and give it the finger, hit snooze.
2. Wake up nine minutes later, and immediately ask, "Do I HAVE to get up?", mentally check calendar, realize you have the morning in the office, therefore you can cheat and sleep a bit longer. Hit snooze.
3. Wake up nine minutes later, realize you're hungry, hit snooze, close eyes....then BOLT RIGHT UP because you remember you're having breakfast with a friend.
4. Nine more minutes never killed nobody, lay back down.
5. Get out of bed when alarm goes off again. Slowly make way to kitchen, pour cup of coffee, stare out window and wonder why the Lord invented the whole wake-up process, for it stinks to high heaven.
6. Say hi to dog from window, spill coffee down front of nightie.
7. Toss nightie into laundry, head for shower.
8. Realize you don't got a lot of time for the foof, so just take the short-version shower and remove any traces of stench.
9. Find clean clothes. No, really. Surely you have some somewhere. Oh, nothing hanging in the closet? Did you check the closet floor? No, not that pile. That pile is questionable. The pile over there where it looks like you started to fold things. Nice.
10. Slap on jeans and Vandelay Industries t-shirt.
11. Pile unwashed hair on top of head, do something to make it stay up there.
12. Reward yourself with another sip of coffee. Go ahead and dribble it down the front of your shirt, what, do you need a fucking sippy cup?
13. Find a new shirt, oh red is good.
14. Let's do some make-up today, okay? It's obvious you had four and a half hours of sleep last night. You're not exactly looking spry.
15. Nearly put an eye out with the eyeliner. Think for a second that a black eye patch with a glittery gold cursive "L" on it ala Laverne style might actually be kinda cute.
16. Drop mascara brush onto your foot. Scrub foot.
17. Look at clock and realize you've got to hoof it already.
18. Brush teeth, dribble toothpaste onto gorgeous red shirt (THIRD TIME IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS).
19. Head back to closet for third shirt, pick the closest one. Ram elbow into closet doorknob. Yell obscenities.
20. Look back in mirror, realize hair is lopsided. Fix.
21. Put on lipstick, sneeze at same time unexpectedly, remove lipstick from tip of nose.
22. Wonder how you made it to 35.
23. Give up on yourself, head for bag and keys.
24. Where the fuck are my keys. Laugh that your friend got you this cute little red dish for the table in your entry way because you were always losing your keys. What a thoughtful gift.
25. Find keys UNDER THE DINING ROOM TABLE. What the fuck?
26. Want more coffee, decide I'm not competent enough to be allowed even one more sip. Wonder if they have bibs at the restaurant.
27. Get in car, answer cell phone, laugh at something caller says while glancing in rear view mirror, realize I only did one eye with eyeliner. The patch is sounding handier by the moment.
28. Run back in, do other eye.
29. Drive to restaurant, amongst insane traffic, which I imagine is good for adding color to your face. Grrrr.
And that my friends, is a true story. I'm so put together I can't STAND myself.