The New Jan Brady

A what?

2007-07-15T22:05:00.000-07:00

I treated my six-year-old niece to her first manicure yesterday. When my manicurist asked what shape I wanted my nails, and then proceeded to suggest square before I could even open my mouth, I tried to delicately tell her I didn't want that shape. I then searched for an alternative word for "hooker", knowing that Miss Inquisitive would ask what that meant. So I said, "lady of the night". My niece whipped her head around beamed widely, and exclaimed, "Hey...that's ME!"

Angry heat.

2007-06-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

Ah, summer. You are the least of my favorite seasons...for the sole purpose that you make me look a little less...with it.

Last night I attended a shin-dig that was in my honor, and it was seriously hotter than balls. Not only was it unforgivingly hot outside, but the venue of this thing was packed with sweaty bodies and it never cooled down, and I thought I was going to....die.

I'm not one of those ladies who looks awesome when it's hot outside. I tend to get a little more than a little sweaty, and while it looks like a nice "glow" on some ladies, for me it looks like someone needs to hose me down...and stat.

I'm sure I looked like all first-class as I stood on stage to do my ten-minute spiel, while holding my hair up on top of my head and silently praying for death. Someone took pity on me and ran up and handed me a pony-tail holder. Which, I then proceeded to pony-tail up my hair in front of 75 people. To be fair though, every single person in the audience was fanning themselves in a "my stars, it's WARM this evening" sorta way.

It's going to be a long summer.

Oh, Pink. You're so clever.

2007-06-11T20:21:00.000-07:00

In an office building - California, USA:

Woman: (sitting at her desk, sorta bopping her head around to the music coming out of her computer)...la lala...take your drink, just give me the money...it's just you and your HEAD tonight!

Me: (watching in amazement)

Woman: (closing her eyes, tilting her head back and singing all authoratively) ....(words, words, words)...take your drink, just give me the money...it's just you and your HEAD tonight!

Me: Hmmm.

Woman: (notices me watching her) What?

Me: "You and your HEAD tonight"? Really?

Woman: Why, is that wrong?

Me: Yes. It's "you and your HAND tonight"

Woman: (mouths "you and your HAND tonight").

Me: See?

Woman: But? That just doesn't make sense. Why is it just him and his hand?

Me: (Oh my God)

(giving her some time to think about it)

Woman: I don't get it, really!

Me: I think what Pink is trying to say here is...see this guy is picking up on her...and she's saying to keep the drink, just give her the money...and that he's...just going to end up...alone...with his hand...?

Woman: Head I can understand - alone with his thoughts...

Me: (Oh my GOD!)

Woman But his HAND?

(giving her more time to think about it...wanting to stab myself with a letter opener)

Me: (can't take it anymore) TO WHACK IT!

Woman: Ohhhhh....?

(GAH!)

Up to my eyeballs.

2007-06-08T07:56:00.000-07:00

Starting this morning, I'm going to be a working fool for the next three days. I have so many projects that I just can't STAND being on my to-do list (some have sat there for months), and Mama just wants to get over them already and move forward.

Aside from a few errands and some blessed sleep, I won't be leaving my office for three days. Working it girl, all Melanie Griffith.

I'm a little nervous about the challenges in front of me, procrastination on a few things that I really don't want to do but need to has gotten the best of me. But I hope to turn off my computer Sunday night with the biggest sense of accomplishment I've had in a long time.

So riveting!

Okay, something semi-exciting: last night I made my first ever 911 call. And while I thought it would be terribly exciting, when I hung up I felt like I had just ordered a pizza. (Everything's okay, obviously)

The secret's OUT!

2007-05-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago a friend and I were commenting about how some blogs were SO BORING and that people would write about ANYTHING. So for fun, we made up our own little secret blog, with the intent of making it as boring as possible. We obviously bored ourselves to tears, because it sure didn't last long.

I was Elaine, he was Jeff. Our characters were next door neighbors.

Some of my favorite things that made me laugh are in the comments.

Someone's grumpy.

2007-05-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

Things Boys Cannot Do:

Put their breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. Sometimes they'll make it in the sink, but it's quite the strain to take that extra 30-seconds to rinse them before putting them in the dishwasher.

Change out rolls of toilet paper. Or dispense of empty cardboard holders.

Pick up the 5200 subscription cards from magazines that drop out all over the bathroom, er excuse me, "library" floor.

Make it all the way in the hamper with their clothes. One inch away? You bet!

Acknowledge the beep of the timer on the oven, even though you're not the one who set it. More with the beeeeeeeeeeeeps.

Accept your answer to the question "Where would you like to eat?". When you respond it's always, "REALLY? THERE?" THEN DON'T FUCKING ASK ME!

Hand over the remote and ask, "What would YOU like to watch?"

See dirt. Apparently it's invisible.

Call you when they say they're going to.

Things Boys Can Do:

Ask what's for dinner at 7:30 a.m. as you pour your first cup of coffee of the day.

Fill your home with the constant sound of video violence in the form of games and movies. "Good morning!" - GUNSHOTS! SCREAMING! BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP GUNSHOTS GUNSHOT GUNSHOTS! BLOOD GORE BLOOD!

Collect enough fucking lightbulbs, cables, socks, batteries (I won't lie, I don't really complain about that one - AH HA!), that you could start your own weird ass store.

Exclaim, "Wow, you sure bought a lot there," as you struggle to drag four bags of groceries to the kitchen, without getting up.

Give you a pinched up, irritated face and mimed "Keep it down" while you're on the phone, even though the room is full of GUNSHOTS! SCREAMING! BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEP GUNSHOTS GUNSHOT GUNSHOTS! BLOOD GORE BLOOD!

Act extremely put-out if they finally have to get up and do the task you've asked politely (that they freaking originally offered to do!) to be done for the last two weeks. "OOOOOOKAYYYYYYY, SHIT!!!!!" Maybe if I didn't have to ask 14 times, you wouldn't have to have a little tantrum.

I need a damn holiday from my holiday.

CHALEE, YOU'RE GONNA DIE! And we're all like NOOO!!! ;_;

2007-05-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

You have to watch the show to appreciate this.

And how I laughed.

"And then some weird chick fell out of the sky and was all like HOLA BONJOUR SHALOM 'ELLO GUVNAH!"

Twitter.

2007-05-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

I actually joined something early on, instead of being the last human to ever jump on the bandwagon!

It's Twitter, baby. And I likes it because I can just write teeny tiny short sentences and fill you in on my incredibly exciting life. JUST LIKE THAT.

Another venue for me to write and sound like a 16-year old Valley Girl, when in actuality I am in my LATE THIRTIES, what the fuck. I roll my eyes at my OWN SHIT.

At least I can still share the embarrassing shit. Because that flows like water, baby.

Does the internet have caller id?

2007-05-07T01:45:00.000-07:00

Today at my mother's house, she asked me a question I didn't know the answer to. I suggested she look it up on the internet.

A few minutes later she calls out from her den, "Okay, I'm calling up the internet now!"

This morning, in my front yard.

2007-04-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

Me: lala, what a gorgeous day. Oh, neat. A butterfly. I've never seen one that color...or that shape...

Bug: GOOD MORNING. I AM NOT A BUTTERFLY, I'M A BEETLE AND I'D LIKE TO JUMP UP INTO YOUR FACE!

Me: SCREAM

Bug: YEAH, THAT'S GOOD, BABY! LET ME GET ALL TANGLED UP IN YOUR HAIR! I LOVE CURLS!

Me: WHAT THE FUCK!

Bug: YOU CAN TRY SHAKING YOUR HEAD ALL OVER THE PLACE, BUT I AM HERE TO STAY!

Me: GOOD GOD!

Bug: NICE TRY LADY, BUT NOW I'LL JUST WALK AROUND YOUR NECK!

Me: Ewwwww aaaahhhhh iieeieeeeee

Bug: SUCH A GIRLIE SCREAM!!! AHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: *flick*

Bug: NOW I'M ON YOUR BOOB! YES, NOW WE'RE TALKING - HOT FRIDAY MORNING ACTION!

Me: *light headed* *flick*

Bug: YES, FLICK ME TO YOUR WINDSHIELD, I SHALL GO PLACES WITH YOU. YOU ARE MINE NOW.

Me: Good morning! *waves to passerby who stares at me and then mumbles quietly into his cell phone*

I heard the word "tantrum".

OLD!

2007-04-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

While getting a manicure today, I shifted through my purse with one hand and pulled out a very small, ornate, round pill box.

"Ooohh, what is that?" my manicurist asked.

"Oh, it's just a little pill box. I need my allergy medicine."

"It's so cute!"

"Really? I don't know, it's gold and...ornate...a bit fancy. Gaudy. And it's a PILL BOX. I never thought I'd need a PILL BOX. I feel like an OLD LADY!"

...and with that I followed my manicurist's gaze to the lady sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME who had to be pushing 80. The manicurist let out a little "AH!", and the old lady gave me a dirty "meh" look. Sorry!

How can we save Amy?

2007-04-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

Google search leading to this page: Amy Brady find Jesus.

Yes, Amy, FIND HIM. C'mon!

Poor Amy.

Today I had to have a totally serious conversation with a woman who wore Bono-inspired sunglasses the entire time. You know what I'm talking about. And she's like 50? But wait, so is Bono? Anyway, it was a sight to behold and I nearly died from trying not to laugh.

I love this so much, I cannot explain.

2007-04-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

Get on that!

2007-03-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today I ran into someone I've been trying to get a gig with in forever. And each time I talk to him, he always sounds really, really interested and wants to start NOW. Yesterday! Yet, he never does. I've tried a lot to get him to sign on. A LOT.

So imagine my surprise today when he said, "HEY! This is amazing! I've been WILLING you into my life!"

Willing?

Blink.

"Have you seen 'The Secret'?"

"Uh, I've heard of it?"

"Well, when you want something, you will it."

What I wanted to say: "Why don't you try something easier like...I don't know...returning my phone calls or uh, not blatanly ignoring me?"

I'm going to will myself some dinner.

Which is it?

2007-03-25T02:59:00.000-07:00

I love it when you ask two children a general question like, "so what happened at school today", and they both start talking at the same time and you don't know who to look at or who to listen to and you only get bits and pieces that make up some sort of freak answer. Like today. Even though the question wasn't about school, the take I got was: "And my tooth fell out..." "only he wasn't wearing pants" "laid out a napkin for the Tooth Fairy" "smarter than chili" "with Sprite and a cherry" "his mom hates him!"

OKAY!

Glad I asked.

Fresh breath

2007-03-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

From the parking lot into the building, I popped an Altoid into my mouth.

Upon opening the door, being welcomed by a dozen smiley faces, I opened my mouth to say "HI!", and the Altoid fell right out and landed on my chest.

Good to see you!

Don't look at me. TURN AROUND.

2007-01-03T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm what you would call...crabby.

My holidays sucked, thanks to being sick during them AND STILL SICK WHAT THE FUCK.

I'm way behind on so many terribly important things. Like, putting away my holiday shit because my fucking God I'm sick of looking at it all.

I'm ignoring people because I feel horrible and I don't want to hear about their jolly holidays. JOLLY THIS, as I chuck a bottle of antibiotics to their heads.

I wanted things to be different. I started the season off with a bang, and ended in a thud and I'm bushed. And I'm tired of being bushed. Energy, I need you.

Crabby, crabby, crabby.

Seriously, I just yelled into a pillow.

But you know what sorta made me smile today? The lovely stylings of this lovely blog writer. She's hilarious and adorable and I'm promptly putting her in the pocket of my beat-up cardigan sweater over the nighty I put on last night and never got out of because taking a shower and moving takes energy and screw that.

P.S.: I couldn't remember my blogger password and when I got all pissed off and wrote a semi-explisitive in the password-asking-box, it worked! Even in passwords, I'm an a-hole.

Special thanks to...

2006-12-11T17:45:00.000-08:00

...the waitress who spilled a soft drink down my lap after she asked me if she could get me anything else. Um, how about a napkin? Can I borrow your skirt, for the meeting I have in like two minutes?

...the cast of Scrubs for making this video. Especially Turk, you really cracked me up.

...my Internet connection for being a little bitch today.

...the band U2, thank you for waiting about 17 years before I finally came around and suddenly became obsessed with your music. You guys are really patient.

...Pandora.com for keeping me company as I type and type and type and file and file and file. Today's one of those office days that makes me happy to have you around. Especially since you sorta sucked ass on my Depeche Mode channel (I saw you try to sneak in Britney), as well as my Enya one for those quiet times - yet you've come through like crazy on my U2 channel and me thanks you for the random sneak-ins of Bruce Springsteen and Led Zepplin. You're good folks.

...Bitter Betty for entering and winning my silly little Brady pic contest (and shhh, let's not tell her she was THE ONLY ONE WHO DID - this is why I suck at the whole "Internet Community" thing - I have no idea what the kids these days find entertaining/amusing).

Anyway, she managed to make young tart Alice turn all bitchy, and for that I'm thankful:

"I can't believe Florence Henderson was cast as the wife. I hate that bitch."

Spat.

2006-12-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon, I came off a highway exit and was sitting at a red light, when I lazily turned my head to the right to look at the stopped car next to me, when all of a sudden I saw a something wet hit the middle of my passenger side window and a man in his car with his mouth paused like he had just spit. Or spat. Or, hocked a loog.

What the? Did he...just....SPIT AT MY CAR?

The guy's eyes got wide, and he quickly started jesturing that he'd just made some sort of horrible mistake to which I thought 'yes you did, buddy!'. He glanced back to make sure the light was still red, and then JUMPED OUT OF HIS CAR and started yelling, "I'm SO SORRY!" over and over again.

I must have been sitting there with my mouth open and frozen, because I just couldn't move, and I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on.

He motioned for me to crack my window open. I hesitated for a second, but relented and cracked it just a ways down, and watched as his loog slowly meandered down the window.

Dressed in a suit, he adjusted his tie and all I heard was something about how he didn't mean to hit my car, would I like some money for a carwash?

I waved him off that it was fine, hell I get spit on everyday!, and told him he'd better get back in his car because the light had just turned green.

To which the guy behind him honked furiously.

He tried wiping the loog with the bottom of his tie, I gagged a little, and waited for him to back away so I could speed off.

I stopped at a gas station car wash, and chalked this up as a new one. As you do in this sort of situation.

My mama always said I was a winner. And you can be one, too!

2006-12-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

I done and gone won in the NaBloPoMo contest. Weee. This is more exciting than the time I won tickets to see New Edition in concert. When I was 12. Which is about the last time I won something (that was like 1981 for those playing at home). So again, weeeee.

Evidently I won the "Best Celebrity-oriented post" for my whacky dream starring Huey Lewis and Prince Charles. Hey, your peanut butter is in my chocolate! (sorry, 1981 calling again)

The prize is a celebrity tabloid scrapbook, given by the Agent of Distraction herself, Nina.

Whilst I am honored, and tickled, I'd like to give that prize on to someone else if she doesn't mind too much.

So, I propose this. The hardest part of blogging every day for 30 days straight were the damn Brady Daily Pics. I'd like to see what everyone else is working with.

The deal is this: I will post a Brady pic, and if you've got a caption for it, send it in. My favorite one will win Nina's awesome celebrity tabloid scrapbook.

E-mail your caption to: newjanb at hot mail dot com.

Contest ends Thursday night, winner to be announced Friday.

If you can't tell, it's a young tart Alice.

So drunk.

2006-11-30T23:17:00.000-08:00

i am drunk. almost DUNK as I just almost let my damn self say. Drunk. Hi! I just had the most awesome evening with really good friends, but I also have a disaster of a house to fix up AND an 8:00 a.m. meeeting. Who arranges 8:00 a.m. meetings? Dumb people, thats who. Well, not the people who arrange them, but the people who ACCEPT them.

So much going on. So much to do. But, right now I'm a little happy because I had a good time with good friends and the rest will just work itself out. REgardless if I have to work all weekend, which I do.

Love to you and you. AND YOU.

Jumble.

2006-11-29T23:44:00.000-08:00

My mind is nothing but a huge laundry list of tasks and obligations. While so many funny things go on throughout a day, it takes me every bit of energy just to remember to set my alarm before going to bed, let alone remember WHAT happened that day.

I'm over-stretched, over committed.

And five minutes ago I spilled an entire glass of wine all over my dining room table.

Love you, world!

My goal when I first decided to participate in posting every day for the month of November was to actually WRITE. And instead it became a month worth of "uh...wha?" and peppered with complaints and hereabouts. I'm thinking hereabouts isn't even a word. And to that I say a big fat SO WHAT.

I'm going to go lay down now and pretend I'm going to have a good night's sleep, when actually I will lay there until about 2, when I'll finally nod off for awhile, and then wake up every twenty minutes or so.

And tomorrow, on the very last day to post, I will wonder when in the fuck I'll have time to do so.

Aren't I just a cuddly thing right about now?

Pardon me

2006-11-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

I'm all talked out today and my head feels like it's going to explode. Ka-boom!

It's fake, and it's spectacular!

2006-11-27T21:18:00.000-08:00

I used to be a big poo-pooer of artifical Christmas trees. WHY would someone buy a FAKE tree? That's insane! AND LAME.

Until I broke down and bought one last year: And in a word, love. This year it took 5 minutes to pull the perfectly pre-lit tree out of it's box, poof it up a bit and instant perfect tree. No fighting crowds, no lugging it on top of my car, no watering it, no cleaning up pine needles for a month...just perfect smiley tree.

One might ask, "but what about the fresh pine scent?". To which I say, pinecones, baby! My house smells awesome.

I'm a sucker for twinkly white lights. Not the ones that blink...I guess technically that's twinkly, but soft little white lights. I've put them everywhere this year, I'm afraid.

I've gotten rather picky about my decorating. Reds and browns in the kitchen and den, greens and creams in the living room. It's all very delicious. No cute figurines! No crafty crafts! No snow globes! Just delicate touches and lots of white lights.

...aaaand, I just bored myself.

By the way, I didn't do shit today either.

2006-11-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my friends introduced me to this drink, or their "House Drink", and I have to say: Yum. And fancy. And surprising, because I'm not really a vermouth fan.

We had a nice day yesterday. Long walk by the water, crunchy fall leaves and fleece jackets, Manhattans on the porch. I almost ruined it at one point when I almost burst into tears while having a discussion with a girlfriend about how I think there must be something wrong with me because I don't want to have kids. But then her one-year-old did something hilarious and I was distracted, and also sweet liquor eases the pain. And so does homemade gnocchi.

R&R

2006-11-25T10:32:00.000-08:00

This three days of not working has been completely awesome. I've only opened my office door just to come in here and post the past three days. I flip on the computer, write something lame, close up my laptop and close the office door again. Awesome.

Today I will be spending the day with friends. And bumming. Long live bumming!

Tomorrow I actually have to do some work, as this is going to be a busy week. But three days of non-work? Oh yeah, come to mama.

Cooking, yeah.

2006-11-24T19:46:00.000-08:00

The few of us who took over my kitchen Thanksgiving Day to cook turned it into one of the funniest and funnest (oh yeah) experiences of my life. While we blared Guns 'N Roses ("This ain't your Mama's kitchen!"), we peeled, chopped, stirred, washed our hands a thousand times, and laughed.

Each person got a few minutes to host their own cooking show, even though some people's turns landed at times when they weren't actually cooking, but doing some sort of task. My favorite was the one who was just walking around with a sponge and wiping up crumbs and splats. It actually made for a good show.

For the second year in a row I made this stuffing. And for the second year in a row I thought it would be a breeze and only take a little while. Giada says the prep time is "20 minutes". For me, it was closer to THREE HOURS as I had to chop and chop and chop, marvel at the other cooks, and lay down once because my arm was tired from the chopping. I would never survive as a chef. Which is why my show was called The Exasperated Chef and my show theme song was "Welcome to the Jungle" (You're gonna DIEEEE-UHHH)

Regardless, a meal was made, I'm still full, and I've been nothing but a bum today. To which, I will now return to my bumming.

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T15:54:00.000-08:00

Later: My new cooking show: The Exasperated Cook with special musical guests: Guns 'n Roses.

Getting ready.

2006-11-22T18:40:00.000-08:00

I was at Costco earlier, picking up a couple things, and watching people as they hurriedly stuck Thanksgiving related items into their shopping cart. Cruising down the wine aisle, I paused to pretend like I was mulling over which wine I was going to get, when really I just took a minute to observe those around me.

The older man in the wheel chair who was telling his grandson, "Of COURSE we can get apple pie. Of course, get apple!"

The woman who was clinging to her shopping list and looking over the desserts somewhat frantically. Looking over miles and miles of pumpkin pies before picking out the PERFECT one. (Which was funny because I had just been there and picked the first one closest to me with my only thought being: PUMPKIN PIE!)

The older man who strode past me, no shopping cart, simply stopping for a second to pick up a bottle of champagne.

And it was then that I remembered, we're all in this together. We're all doing the same thing. And that's sorta neat.

I imagined that man, in his smart pants and cardigan sweater, was proud of himself for stopping off to pick out a nice bottle of champagne to take to company, and it made me smile.

What was I doing?

2006-11-21T21:01:00.000-08:00

There are days when it's a wonder I get anything done. I'm all over the place, all scattery and deep breaths. I've decided that my mantra for 2007 will be one word: Focus. I've got a lot of cleaning up to do before that in order to make it happen, but Jesus Nipsey Russell, I will!

I came to this realization just now when I realized I couldn't work in the disaster which is my office, and spread myself out in the dining room. And when I walked back into my office to just get a PEN I about cried when I saw it from a fresh perspective - it's all mad-scientist crazy. I've gotten myself all set up and organized before, but keeping up a system has been really difficult for me. The reason being, I'm more of a "drop and go" girl. I work on something, drop it, and go on to the next thing. And needless to say I come back to many piles, things unfinished, and then I wonder why the need for the deep breaths.

It's time to get some god damn focus.

All the tender leaves you can eat!

2006-11-20T12:46:00.000-08:00

I've had this thing on my DVR for a while now, and was happy to find it on YouTube.

Very nice.

2006-11-19T18:40:00.000-08:00

I went and saw this movie Friday night. While I definitely laughed at parts, I was a little disappointed by it. Maybe because it has been way too hyped up...billed as THE FUNNIEST movie ever. It was funny, yes. Funniest movie ever...not so sure. I also couldn't help but think that a lot of it was more scripted than what was let on.

And there, ta da, is my movie review. You're welcome?

I shouldn't totally poo-poo it, I was also super tired and watching the late showing of it, so I was also fighting to keep my eyes open.

That's how it's been for me lately. I'm always going-going-going, and when I finally get a chance to just SIT and not work or worry about something, I get the sleepies. Which will hopefully be remedied now as I slept and slept and slept some mo' today. I'm actually worried I won't be able to sleep tonight, I slept so damn much.

Short and sweet.

2006-11-18T22:03:00.000-08:00

Breakfast with a friend, a little shopping, a fat nap, a manicure and dinner with friends makes for a nice day.

Snack

2006-11-17T16:45:00.000-08:00

I'm eating some candy by this fine organization, which I'm now realizing is the only thing I've eaten today. And I started thinking...first cookies, and now candy. Those little girls want to fatten us up all year long!

But it's good. Chocolate covered peanuts. Mmm. I was sitting here reading the back of the tin and it has one of those allergy warnings: "Processed on shared equipment with peanut and tree nut containing products. May contain an occasional pit or shell fragment." OR PEANUTS, since they are chocolate covered peanuts, yes? Way to cover your asses there, girls.

I was a member once. When I was...10? Fifth grade? The only thing I remember is that I was forced to wear my uniform to school on the days our club met. It was a RULE! No wearing your school clothes and then changing afterward, oh no. You had to be a billboard for the organization. The reason it bothered me was because I was a new member and had something like ZERO badges at the beginning of the school year and the other girls would look at me like, "Oh. She's slow." I should have said I was currently working on getting my badge on Bashing In Other Fifth Grader Snotty Girl Heads. Sure, think of that now, Self! Where were you when I needed you 17 years ago. Oh, yeah. Crying. That's right.

Anyway, it never took. I hated it. I do believe it is the place where I learned how to braid, though. Thank you, scouts!

Task reminders.

2006-11-16T15:15:00.000-08:00

I'm seriously so overwhelmed right now. I know everyone's busy right now and always are, but c'mon. I'm tired! Mama needs a break!

It's gotten so bad that I had the weirdest first thought after hitting the alarm and jolting up in bed:

Photocopy the lolliop!

And I was serious! And in my head I felt this sense of urgency in that YES THE LOLLIPOP TOTALLY NEEDS TO BE PHOTOCOPIED, how dare I sleep!!!

Until a few seconds later when I said it aloud, all slow-like: "Photocopy...the...lollipop."

And laid back down. Layed back down. Went horizontal, fuck it.

Tiredness makes things extra sexy.

2006-11-15T22:53:00.000-08:00

I think I'm in love. Too tired to explain who he is. If you've got a funny bone, you already know who he is. And you love him, too. But you can't have him. Because he's mine. And he promised me he'd never die.

Oh, Gary.

Tiredness makes things extra funny.

2006-11-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to wrap up a 12-hour work day, and someone sends me this thing. It made me laugh so hard, I couldn't breathe. It has probably been on the internet for a 100 years and I'm the last one to join the party as usual, but I still thought I'd share.

Preview for tomorrow: 14 hour work day! Hooray!

Bad day.

2006-11-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

Day started off with a bang. Busy, busy, things are good.

Ending on a sour note.

How I choose to let it affect me from here on out is up to me.

I choose life!

(Okay, that made my sad heart laugh.)

Is that a NO then?

2006-11-12T17:25:00.000-08:00

How does one concentrate when their entire face hurts like a motherfucker? They don't. And the hours and hours of work that need to be done continue sitting on the desk(s). I'm serious. The face??? Stupid sinuses. All day I've been doing steam treatments, hot towels, etc and I only feel 2% less like chopping my head off.

Something that's been cracking me up all day, but won't seem funny because you sorta had to be there:

At the dinner party last, there was this guy I've never met who from what I could only tell was talking about blessings and church and people needing people.

One guy, who was holding a drink in his hand yells out to this guy across the room, "Are you STILL talking about church??!!!"

The guy perks up all super smiley and happy: "Yes, I sure am!" and then completely sincerely asks him, "Would you like to join us at service tomorrow morning?"

And the other guy yells, "FUUUUUUCK YOU!"

To which the religious guy does NOT skip a single beat and happily says, "Oh that's okay...okay...just thought I'd ask. Maybe another time..."

I actually felt bad for him, but it sure was funny.

Social butterfly.

2006-11-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

It's a rainy day here, and I'm about to head out to a full day of engagements. When really, I'd like to just stay in bed.

First will be brunch with some girlfriends, followed by a long drive and a meeting with a client, followed by another long drive back and a fancy-pants dinner party. I'm tired already!

Due to the nature of my business, from now through the end of the holidays, my schedule is jam-packed and I'm saying my annual prayer that I'll get through it all and maintain my sanity. And maybe even have some fun.

But really, I'd like to just stay in bed. Can I get an amen?

Hey.

2006-11-10T17:20:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday. I have the following things to say to you:

Clean out your fuckin' ears! This party's for girls....and Sheldon.

You are a good friend. You are funny. You need to feel better about yourself because I think you're pretty kick-ass. Even though you think Anchorman was a great movie. It was funny, don't get me wrong, but your love for it is too strong.

You have a good heart. You are a good person. I wish you'd see that. I wish you'd work things out with some people, and I think you know who I mean. I think you're going to regret it later on, because I did the same thing and I know of which I speak.

You are crazy talented. Don't ever doubt that.

I love your laugh. When you really just go for it and it comes from your gut, and you sincerely think something is funny. It makes me laugh that much harder. Even if it's at my expense.

Happy Birthday. Let's get some fuckin chicken!

Friends 4-ever,

-Me

Smack.

2006-11-09T22:27:00.000-08:00

At lunchtime today I ran into an older lady who is a friend of my family. Upon greeting each other, she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I then went about the rest of my day with a BRIGHT PINK KISS on my cheek. And nobody TOLD ME, HELLO THREE MEETINGS!

Here's some of the stuff I'm looking at today...

2006-11-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

Michael and Dwight: SexyBack

I've really been into pumpkin lately. Pumpkin this, pumpkin that. GIVE ME PUMPKIN. But this recipe is asking to love me long time. And I say yes! Oh god yes! And when I'm done with THAT, then I'm off to belittle myself and cheat on its goodness with some of these here babies.

I sorta sucked it on this quiz.

I'm rolling my eyes at some of the things that make news. "We're not sure he really has gray hair, but MAYBE. I mean, look at his chin stubble!"

I don't know why this cracked me up, but the article's all blah blah blah and then some random commenter's all, "I believe her." Okay then! Ridiculous situation cleared up!

I'm busy looking for plates! GEEZ.

2006-11-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

One of my very bad habits is to surf the net while simultaneously conference calling it up. Usually I only do this if I don't have much to contribute to the call. Sometimes I'm the chick on the line who just sits there and is the yes-girl. That was today.

I was half-listening, mumbling affirmatives when I felt they were required, and surfing the web looking for some turquoise salad-sized plates to hang up on a decorative plate holder thingy-ma-jig in my dining room, when I realize the call had gone quiet. And that I was so into my shopping, that I didn't even know HOW LONG it had been quiet.

"Hello?" I asked tentatively.

Nothing. I figured the call had ENDED and I didn't even know it, so I shouted aloud to myself, "aw fuck!" before reaching out to flip my open cell phone (which I had on speaker) closed.

That's when I heard muffled laughter.

"So yes, we're waiting on your update," said the foreman of the call just as I picked up my phone.

Lots more muffled laughter.

I really need to start pulling my shit together during conference calls.

P.S.: I got these.

Hi baby.

2006-11-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

My friend T's little baby girl is adorable. She smells like rainbows! She's itty bitty and all love bug. She's also going by her middle name now, a sudden change that her parents sprung on everyone recently although she was named a few months ago. So now, not only do I have to get used to the fact that my best friend is a MOTHER (Ma!), but I also have to rethink the baby's name when I call out to her. So confusing!

What's-her-name smiled at me on Sunday for the first time, and at THE most perfect time, to which T and I laughed and laughed. I had just arrived at a baby shower, and T was pointing out that the baby was wearing a dress that I had given her. I was looking down at the baby, smiling all big and talking to her, but she just gave a confused grunt. Another friend of mine handed me a glass of champagne, and I held it up to the side of my face and joked, "Oh, it's your Auntie! Here! Now you'll know who I am!" and took a big sip. She smiled from ear to ear.

Weekend stuff.

2006-11-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

Aside from my lazy ass start, my weekend was full and fun, and whoo. I am now buckled into my office chair to get the five hours of work I had set aside for the weekend done.

First things first, how did I ever live without a crock pot before? Today I spent maybe ten minutes getting personal with a pot roast, stuck it in the pot, and when I came home hours later from a baby shower (#334 for the year) my house smelled AMAZING and dinner was deelish. I will be crockin' it all winter.

Last night I had a very surreal experience. I played poker and smoked cigars with my baby-now-an-adult nephew. While hanging with his friends, it took every ounce of restraint I own not to exclaim how CUTE he is. Oh, you had two pair? That's adorable, honey! Here, let Auntie trim the end of your cigar. Who's a good boy?

Seriously, it was so weird. But actually, very fun. We don't spend too much time together, so I was constantly amazed with his (cute) quick wit.

Taking him home, we got on the freeway and I was grumbling about how much I hate the rental car I'm driving. I hit the cruise control just as he was reaching for the stereo, when the face of it illuminated "CRUISE ENGAGED". My nephew said, "Wow, this car's slow. Tom Cruise has been engaged for a long time now."

Ba-da-bum.

Why I can't get anything done today.

2006-11-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

I had every intention of kicking some ass and taking names this morning, but so far I haven't done shit. Unless you count having a piece of pumpkin pie for breakfast. If so, then I've done it DOUBLY.

For some odd reason I have the Milli Vanilli song, "Blame it on the Rain" running through my head. I woke up with it. I haven't even heard that song in I don't know how long. It's not raining here.

And really, it's not actually the song, just the "Blame it on the rain!" chorus line. In my head it's all exaggerated. "Blame it on the RAYYYYYY-N, yeah yeah."

I will now take a nap and start the day over, please and thank you.

"and please let her refrain from kicking the car dealer in the balls..."

2006-11-03T17:22:00.000-08:00

This week when I was having car troubles, I needed to call a client to say I couldn't keep an appointment. After I explained my woes, she said, "We should pray about that."

I laughed, "Yeah..."

And then she busted out in prayer. REAL PRAYER, starting with Dear Lord and all. And I was sitting there on the phone, sorta stunned. Do I close my eyes? Do I fold my hands? Is it okay to pray to hurry up and get done praying? And what do I say after that? Besides the obvious "Amen"?

Turns out I said the amen, and then, "Oh, I put your invoice in the mail."

Smart! Thanks for the blessing! That'll be $250.00!

Huey and Charlie

2006-11-02T10:48:00.000-08:00

In 1985 I saw Huey Lewis in concert. And the News. He was big then, baby. So big, that I remember my middle school having a HL&N cover band come in to entertain us at lunch one Friday, and everyone I knew was so excited they could hardly stand it. Even though it WASN'T Huey Lewis, or his News. It was just a bunch of guys SINGING their songs. And horribly, at that. In fact, they weren't even allowed to say DRUG...oh no, they had to change their lyrics to "I want a new TRUCK". One that won't make me sick. One that won't make me crash my car and feel three feet thick. I want a new truck!

Anyway, I remember being very excited to see him in concert. I believe it was my second concert ever. The first being New Edition. Oh, Bobby. I can't believe I'm writing this. So, I was excited, but I wasn't jumping up and down lunatic excited. Just admiring the fact that Huey Lewis was RIGHT THERE in front of me. And I know every song! Weee. But this guy behind me? He was like 8 feet tall? He was trying to talk to my girlfriend and I while we were watching, and we weren't having any of it because guy, HUEY LEWIS IS RIGHT THERE. At one point, as the crowd was growing quiet between songs, I guess I made a loud "whoop" noise. The guy behind me suddenly yells, "SHE LOVES YOU HUEY!!!!!!!", and I turn around and he's pointing down to me. Which then made EVERYONE around us turn around as well. I remember being completely humilated. LOVE him? That's a bit strong. So I just gave the on-lookers a little thumbs-up sign and then grabbed my girlfriend's arm and made her move somewhere else with me. DO NOT humilate me, Giant!

Last night I had a dream in which I was supposed to be meeting Prince Charles (why?), and I was upset because the jeans I was wearing were way too long. REALLY long. And I was standing in some sort of receiving line, looking down at my pant legs and wondering what the hell I was going to do. Maybe Prince Charles wouldn't look down. Should I roll them up? If I did, they'd be these huge cuffs, and I couldn't have that. So instead, I paced back in forth with these long jean bottoms covering my feet and folding forward as if extensions of my legs.

I mumbled to myself, "What the fuck?"

Then I heard a voice behind me say, "I'll take care of them."

I turn around and it's Huey Lewis and he has a huge pair of scissors that were neon yellow and had a bumble bee pattern on them.

"I'm okay", I stammer.

"No way, just a few snips and you're fine." He then bends down, picks up my leg fro m under my knee and starts cutting away.

"Hurry, I'm up next!" I yell just as I see Prince Charles coming up to me.

"You'll be fine!" shouted Huey and I could hear the crunch of the jeans under the scissors.

Someone handed me a can of Coke. Another person started fanning me with this huge Japanese fan. Prince Charles was now in front me and saying, "Oh darling..."

"THERE!" Huey exclaimed, and then jumped up next to me. I looked down. One leg was cut perfectly, the other was cut up to my knee.

"You're kidding, right?" I asked.

And that's when Prince Charles linked an arm through mine and we stood posing for pictures, with Huey trying to cram into the shot by shoving his head into my shoulder from behind.

THE END.

Huey. He was just trying to help.

Other celebrity dreams can be found here, here, and my personal favorite - here.

Eyes on the road, please.

2006-11-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had to have my car towed (new cars dying are the thorn in my side), and I was sitting up with the tow truck driver, when he decided he was going to tell me his entire life story. Which included pauses that I could pretty much time, and knew would be met with full eye contact. When those eyes needed to be on the road. Tell me later? Write it up and e-mail it to me please? I don't want to die because you were married four times and felt the need to describe each marriage to me in full detail.

We were on a stretch of highway that had one lane (the slow lane?) that was in a hurt for some new surface paving. Of course that was during Story About Nutjob Wife #2 Who Always Smelled Like Cinnamon Cookies, but I couldn't hear much over the bumpbumpbump that made both of us (well, me mostly) look like we were galloping down the freeway on horseback. Ohuhhh reAAlly? CinUHHHHmon, huh? Good god, man.

Overheard during Prior to Start of Meeting Chit-Chat: "I haven't been to church in a fucking long time."

I'm about to write a whole bunch of words.

2006-10-22T23:18:00.000-07:00

I've decided to participate in this. Which means writing to this thing every day in November. Every day. We shall see...

I need to learn how to upload the button onto my page, which is cracking me up. I don't even know how to do stuff like that! It's going to be a great month!

God Bless You...and, Ew.

2006-10-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

I was on a conference call this morning, minding my own beeswax, listening and nodding, wondering to myself if one of the callers was actually SNORING...when...all of a sudden...I sneezed AND BURPED at the same time. Well, not quite at the same time, I sneezed and THEN burped not even one half second later. And it all hit me out of nowhere and I had no time to reach for the mute button. What causes a burp to happen after a sneeze? This I don't know.

And instead of being grossed out or PHASED that this just happened, one female caller asked, "WHO'S SNORING!!!?". While I have invisioned taking a nappie during a conference call on more than one occasion, I can't believe someone actually did it.

Why not just write: "Thanks for a lovely time!"?

2006-10-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

This weekend I got 3-days of R&R, much needed I might add. It was quite delightful. I was also super proud of myself for planning a get-away in a location in which I could witness the beginning of the season change. Fall is by far my favorite season, and it usually goes by in a blink and I never really get to experienceit. So, Fall 2006 experienced! Or, if we're going to be all technical, Something Resembling Fall 2006 experienced! Now with more mini pumpkins!

One of my absolute favorite things about where I stayed,(aside from the black widow in my room! Just in time for Halloween?), was that there was a journal for guests to write about their experience in the suite. Because I'm nosey, I quickly swooped it up to read from while soaking in my giant jacuzzi tub the first night.

The book started with New Year's 2001, and it started out sorta boring with the standard "what a lovely suite!" written in several variations for the first few pages.

And then it turned into something of a novel competition. People from all over the world were suddenly Jack Kerouac, roaming the lands and telling their stories.

I went from laughing, to squirming.

Here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

"Marriages have seasons. We were in a hurricane season. The healing force of this suite has healed us." - That needs to go straight to their marketing brochure, I suggest.

(The suite had a stereo system that only played CDs): "The radio doesn't work, but thank God we had Rod Stewart."

"After a day of wine tasting, we enjoyed feeding the stray cat in the parking lot."

"My weary travels have brought me here to your wonderful establishment, in which I spent the weekend in a blissful stupor. The roads are long and traveled, and I consider myself enchanted."

But THIS ONE took the cake...

"I drew a bath for my Love, but she said it was 'too hot', so we went across the street for dinner. When we came back, we checked the tub and it was perfect. I opened the champagne, and as I opened it, the words that I could no longer keep inside came pouring out and I told her everything I needed to. Risking my heart, for the sake of her love for eternity. I was glad I did it. I felt so (crossed out 'magical') alive."

And then there are maybe four or five lines CROSSED OUT (which looks like the suite OWNERS edited out! HA!), but from what I could make out of it...a certain LOVE showed her APPRECIATION in....THE TUB...(that's when I pulled the drain of the tub and jumped the hell out of there), and then something about needing a nap, doing it AGAIN (again with the word appreciation), and then BACK IN THE TUB. Thank you for sharing!

I wanted to take the book home with me. I also wanted to join in the competition and make some sort of spoof entry, but the suite owners are friends of mine, and I didn't want to scare the shit out of them. For my crazy entry would have involved eating fire and wrestling with a black widow. And SOMEBODY (anybody!) showing appreciation!

Fragile Cargo

2006-10-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

This morning I did a favor for a friend: I drove her daughter to school.

What should have been a simple little errand, turned into a big ordeal for me, thanks to my stressy self.

Things I did:

Got up at 6:00 a.m. (after going to bed around 2 a.m.), and went out and vaccumed my whole damn car.

Tested and re-tested all of the seat belts in the back seat (my car is only a year old).

Made myself a mental checklist of all of the things we'd talk about. On the fifteen minute drive. When I realized how lame that was, I felt all Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets when he loads up his car with a library of CDs for different road trip situations "Emergency" "When it's too quiet".

Music! After realizing she probably didn't want to hear disco music, I decided we'd have NO music. Which means? Talking! What do second graders talk about these days?

Made her a little treat bag. Candy! Don't tell your Mom!

Arrived at her house 20 minutes early because I was afraid I'd get her to school late. This ended up just making us nearly late because I was invited to take a tour of her bedroom, and I got a little too into her little vanity table. Tiny brush! Tiny mirror!

When we pulled into the school parking lot, I asked if I should walk her to her class. "Do Moms do that?"

Her response: "Yes. When the kid is in kindergarten."

Grow some.

2006-10-10T19:31:00.001-07:00

A person who has known me for MANY years recently commented upon seeing me, "Huh. I always think you're taller."

"What?"

"Whenever I picture you in my head, you're like, way tall."

"I'm 5'7", and have always been, since you've known me...and seen me...frequently...over the last hundred years."

"Yeah, but in my head you're maybe six feet tall?"

What the hell does one say to that? I'm sorry I don't meet your dillusional expectations? I'm sorry I'm my actual height? I'm sorry my height disappoints! I'm sorry it doesn't fluctuate!

These are the things I think about late at night as I'm drifting off to sleep.*

In other news, I'm going to hit up this space more often. Apparently my friends don't like e-mail, they'd rather read my misadventures under a 70's television character persona. And imagine that I am Jan Brady? An eight foot tall Jan Brady?

*Other things that I think about, or should I say scare the living shit out of me RIGHT when I'm drifting off to sleep:

That woman who peeks around the corner and yells, "Are you HONNNNNGRY?" in that damn cereal commercial.

Dessert first.

2006-08-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

At a wedding reception Saturday night, I was staring at the individual truffles we were provided as favors (with our initials on them - CUTE), and I wanted...to...eat...it...NOW. I looked around the room to see if anyone else had eaten theirs...couldn't tell, but didn't see anyone actually eating one.

I waited patiently until the last person at my table finished their meal and then I pointed to my truffle and said something like "Time for dessert!"

The woman next to me put her hand to her mouth and whispered loudly, "Oh NO, it's too beautiful...are we supposed to eat them, REALLY?"

"Uh, YEAH." I laughed. "If they didn't want you to eat it, they would have shellacked it or something."

Others mumbled similar things as Miss OH NO MY STARS, and yet...I REALLY wanted it. Chocolate, please and thank you.

Finally, the champagne was poured as we prepared for the toast. "You know what goes GREAT with champagne, right?" I said to the table, as a waiter filled my glass. "Truffles!"

There were some half-hearted chuckles, and then I thought, fuck it. It's MY damn truffle with MY damn initals on it, down the gullet it goes.

I went ahead and sunk my teeth into it, wondering in my head what would be the center...when not a second longer would I have to wonder...as cherry juice squirted all over my place setting, and the table centerpiece.

OH NO MY STARS, indeed.

S-a-l-s-a

2006-08-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

I overheard my mother today referring to "text messaging" or "texting" as..."tex mexing". And it wasn't a slip of the tongue. I heard her say it TWICE. I didn't have the heart to correct her, because I want to see what happens when she says it to someone else.

Regrets

2006-08-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

Last night I had my first Biker Bar Experience. Things that my friends are laughing about today, also known as "Why the hell do I feel the need to say things like this when I'm drinking?":

"Is that your HOG?"

"You've got a bit of barbecue sauce in your ZZ-Top beard."

"So you come here EVERY NIGHT?!!!"

(while watching a guy put 5 dollars into a juke box - which by the way, I had no idea that they totally upgraded juke boxes - computer touch screens and everything. I stared at it way too long): "Please choose 'I Am...I Said' By Neil Diamond. Please choose 'I Am...I Said' By Neil Diamond. Please choose 'I Am...I Said' By Neil Diamond."

"I've been on a motorcycle before!"

God, I'm cringing.

Something bugging me today: There are some nasty flu/cold viruses running around right now. My question is this. Business people? WHY DO YOU SHOW UP TO MEETINGS WHEN YOU'RE SICK? I've turned all OCD with the constant hand sanitizing and the drinking of Airborne every hour on the hour.

Funny

2006-08-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

This "Bershon" photo stream had me laughing all damn afternoon. I...so...GET IT. The definition of Bershon can be found here. And if I didn't love one Sarah Brown quite a lot before, I now want to have little Sarah Brown babies. I have also sent the stream to every single woman I know.

Look out below!

2006-08-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I was lounging in my leather recliner, watching the season finale of Hells Kitchen (for I have a mild crush on Chef Gordon Ramsey and his forehead wrinkles - and I melt just a little inside when he calls someone a donkey), when I looked down at my exposed legs and feet and about gasped in horror.

On my left foot, is a nice new scar near the bone that juts out on the side and below my big toe (what the hell is that called?), which I got from dragging a bookcase 10 hundred times my size across my office a few weeks ago.

Right above my left foot and at the ankle/shin (?) (I'll never be a doctor), is a fresh scrape from when I tripped over a paint can YESTERDAY, right in front of the person who will be painting my living room (and of course when I tripped, I fell forward at an amazing awkward speed and sprawled over my coffee table (classy) and then had to pop up and act like it didn't hurt even though I could already see the scrape. I'm pretty sure the painter now realizes why I'm having HIM paint, instead of doing it myself).

On my right foot, in nearly the same place as the injury on my left foot, is a scrape I got in a clothing store, (which was eerily predicted by a handwriting analysis person the day before) (this is my life, scared yet?), by running into a rack.

On the right side of my calf (I'm pretty sure this body part in which I speak is my calf! YES! I'm ready for Jeopardy now!), is a long scrape from when I didn't bother to move over a tiny inch when bringing down the door of my dishwasher.

So, I'm looking down at my scrapes and I'm wondering, am I six years old again? HOW does one accumulate so many scrapes in such a short time frame?

The only thing I can figure is that I'm always rushing around, doing this and that, hurry hurry hurry bitch, when I don't take the time to LOOK DOWN now and then. It's not hard, I imagine. Yet I just don't do it.

Lesson learned! No point to this post! I am now off to look up feet and legs and identify their parts. Six years old again!

Why?

2006-08-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

Today I said, "It sure tit hot out here today." I'm a girl. I said it to a boy. I was almost as embarrassed as the time I did this.

Clickety click, everyone gets something.

2006-04-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

Linky goodness!

In follow up to yesterday's post, I made this little cartoon. It only set me back about a half hour! Enjoy!

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Like to drool over yummy recipes and food prep? So do I, and here's a new favorite place to do so.

AND I'm doing extensive research to find a video that KILLED me over the weekend, but no one seems to remember where it was! If I don't die from eye strain and frustration, it will be worth it.

Blue sky holiday.

2006-04-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

Only American Idol viewers will get this.

On Saturday I was at brunch with some friends, and that song they always play during the "let's review your journey" portion of American Idol, when a contestant gets voted off, was playing overhead.

One of my friends complained that whenever she hears that song now she pictures everything in slow-mo video-clip style. This prompted us to suggest that that song be played whenever there is a mishap or awkward moment. Lots of suggestions came forward, like how exactly TWO MINUTES LATER a little girl at the table next to us poured an entire glass of orange juice down the front of her dress - both of us instantly sang, "'cause you had a bad day...you're taking one down..."

It was very funny to us.

And then for the rest of the weekend? I couldn't help but put it into further action.

Woman one pump over at the gas station's card is denied: "Where is the moment we need at the most?"

A very, very, VERY drunk guy at a party I attended Saturday night came up to me and said, "Let's make love."

My girlfriend and I exchanged looks, tried not to laugh, and my friend looked back at him and asked, "How about she kicks you in the nuts instead?"

And then I imagined me kicking him in the nuts in slow-mo, his body slowly convulsing and then slumping to the floor: "'cause you had a bad day...you're taking one down..."

Last night I arrived late to a friend's birthday party, JUST as she blew out the candles on her cake and everyone just stared at me like, "Nice timing, there."

"Sometimes the system goes on the blink, and the whole thing turns out wrong..."

Try it, it fits everywhere.

Special delivery.

2006-04-05T16:48:00.000-07:00

Friend: Did you hear that Other Friend is pregnant??

Me: Wow, that's great. Hey, doesn't her husband work for (this company)?

Friend: Yes.

Me: Well, now we know what brown can do for you.

Of puppies and Maverick

2006-04-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I gave my six year old niece a tiny stuffed puppy, that when you squeeze it, makes a cute little barking noise (I love you, Target Dollar Spot!) She loves loves loves it. Like A LOT. No need for me to have spent around a hundred bones on her ACTUAL birthday gifts and almost TWO hundred bones on her birthday party, oh no...it's all about the stuffed puppy (who, by the way, together we named Dude). How funny is it to watch her shove her stuffed puppy into someone's face and demand, "Say hello to DUDE." Very funny. "Can Dude take a bath with me?" - a little creepy. But still funny! Anyway, lesson learned - I will buy ALL of her birthday presents from the Dollar Spot until she's 18.

I bring up this puppy, because I spent A LOT of time with it over the last week or so, sooo much so that I even dreamed about it:

I was in a coffee shop, and was trying to remember the coffee orders for six people, and while I was going over them in my head, I was also going around to each person in the shop and asking them to look at the puppy. And did they know it barked? It barks. Hold it. Now squeeze it. Cute, huh? And then off to the next person. And oddly enough, no one was annoyed. They all loved Dude. He was very popular.

SO popular, that in the NEXT part of my dream (no transition, nothing just BOOM, I'm somewhere else), I'm standing in the Costco parking lot and Mr. TOM CRUISE* asked if he could KEEP Dude. He was holding him, and had already fashioned him as a KEY CHAIN, and he was trying to hook it to his BELT.

I stared at him for a minute and then asked, "Why?"

He looked all solemn. "I just. I just, love it. SO MUCH."

"It's my niece's?"

"Can you get her another one?"

"Can't YOU go buy one if you want it so badly?"

And that pissed Mr. Tom Cruise right off and and he goes, "I'm trying to make a movie here!"

With that, he hopped onto a motorcycle, Dude dangling from his belt, and shouted out to some Director type that suddenly appeared (in the Costco parking lot) "Get a close up of the puppy on my belt!"

All of a sudden a MAKE UP team came over and fussed and fussed over Dude (hanging off Mr. Tom Cruise's belt) and his little plushness. Powder! Blush!

But my favorite part? They added a little glittery TEAR DROP under Dude's eye.

And Mr. Tom Cruise, sitting on his motorcycle, leaned back a little, folded his arms across his chest, and with a wide, satisfied smile said, "This is going to be SO GOOD."

Horrified, I woke up. And my first thought was that I needed to call my niece: "Keep Dude away from Mr. Tom Cruise!"

*The entire dream, everytime I looked at him I thought, "Mr. Tom Cruise". I'm a lady, apparently.

Other celebrity dreams can be found: here and here.

Awesome!

2006-04-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm done being all pissy and whatnot.

There are a lot of things going on in my personal life that cause me to be...on...the...edge...at all times! It's fun, really. And it results in me getting pissy when really there is no need, because things like a dumb space to write silly things is really so small in the grand scheme of things, and wow aren't I brilliant with that realization.

Also, my cleaning lady was reading, and guess what? She is no longer my cleaning lady.

Ta-DA!

What's it called when someone QUITS after reading your blog? Is it somewhere along the lines of being Dooced? "And then I New Jan Brady-ed on her ass and was out of there!"

But, you KNOW she laughed at the Jesus figurines. She totally did.

I'd love to tell you about how it all came about, but it's neither here nor there, and it's all very silly. She's also moving out of state, so there's that. AND I wrote her a letter of recommendation. Because I felt bad. And I had to do SOMETHING in return for her making my red retro toaster look BRAND NEW.

Pissypants.

2006-03-24T00:10:00.000-08:00

Hello! I'm not going to be writing here anymore. There are a couple of people reading this site that just piss me off royally, and it just isn't worth it - especially when I don't even really write much here.

I've got better things to do - and so do you.

Retro post.

2006-03-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I get a ton of hits for this old entry that Martha and I wrote nearly two years ago.

I thought I'd re-post it, because nothing says funny like Sporty Jesus.

Martha: Jesus says, "You're eating too much, you little fatties! You'll NEVER make it into a professional ballet corps with that much meat on your bones!"

Me: Jesus teaches the children to look heavenward by holding a basketball just a smidgen out of their reach.

Martha: While the catcher folds his hands in solemn prayer, Jesus wonders whether or not he will get to third base with little Timmy.

Me: Is this two against one? Because with Jesus on the team? Player 21 doesn't have a popsicle's chance in hell.

Martha: Having Jesus as your gymnastics coach is even better than having Bela Karolyi. Mary Lou Retton has got NOTHING on these girls!

Me: Jesus says, "That's right, ease into it, Suzie." And look how damn happy the other kid is to be holding the golf clubs WHILE HIS SISTER IS BEING VIOLATED.

Martha: Jesus says, "Show me 'paint the fence!' Now go wax my car! No mercy!"

Me: Jesus trades in his flip flops for iceskates! And you know player "6" is going down hard, for "6" is an evil number.

Martha: With Jesus on your side, you will not only win the Wimbeldon Cup, but will also learn how to wear it upon your head, much like a crown of thorns!

Me: Jesus is possessed by the Holy Spirit and pushes Suzie off the side of the hill before doing some cool BMX tricks.

Martha: I bet Jesus is ruing the day that he decided to wear his sandals skiing, now isn't he?

Me: Jesus teaches serious cross training by proving he can run track in a robe and flip flops. CAN YOU?

Martha: Jesus imagines Judas Iscariot's face on that soccer ball and gives it a good, swift kick!

Cooking with Jan

2006-03-22T12:28:00.000-08:00

Last night I wanted a hot dinner, but my pantry selection was not appealing.

I boiled some bow-tie pasta (there's a fancy name for it that starts with an 'f', but it escapes me now), and in a separate pot heated some Trader Joes Crab Bisque Soup and milk, a can of mushroom pieces, tossed in some fresh parsley because the soup was BLAH colored, and mixed it in the pasta.

DELICIOUS. I'm eating the left overs now for lunch. I love when an "Oh shit - What the hell" recipe becomes something delicious (even when it sounds gross).

Lady of the Manor

2006-03-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure my cleaning lady hates my fucking guts. And I can't help but LOVE IT.

Since she started last fall, we've had some very interesting moments:

First of all, she clearly hates cleaning my house. I've done everything I could to try to avoid the exasperated sighs and grunts that come from her direction - I literally clean up every square inch of my house before she comes - and STILL the noises.

On like her second or third visit here, she was vacuuming the hallway, and I was just coming out of my office when I asked in quite the chipper tone, "Would you mind running the vacuum around my office?"

The vacuum shut off.

She put her hands on her hips and let out a huge sigh.

Now, the original agreement when she signed on was that she wouldn't have to clean my office, so I could tell I was turning her world upside down.

She closed her eyes, hands still on her hips, and tilted her head up to the ceiling. "You....know........?"

And I knew I was in for it. I then received a ten minute lecture on how her clients sign her on with intended chores, but then feel like they can just "tack on additional chores at their whim".

Uh. I was just asking if you'd do a once-around with the machine that was in your hand and you were right outside my door anyway? In the ten minutes she took chewing me out, she could have been done and on her merry way mentally berating me for leaving a piece of lint on the floor in another room.

I found it to be very funny. And also, I never asked her to do another damn thing.

Other awkwardly funny moments:

A client dropped by unexpectedly, and as he stepped into the entryway, he looked over to see her standing in the middle of the kitchen, sweeping ever so slowly. I know it doesn't sound very funny, but it still busts me up when I think of her forlorn expression as she swished the broom all slow, as if in her mind she were singing, "Swing low....sweet chair...iot..."

One time I came home to find her already cleaning, and she asked, "Oh did you have a big meeting or something?" And I responded with, "No, I just got a manicure! What do you think of this color?" I'm sure her response in her head was, "Oh, is it called "I Don't Clean My Own Fucking House, I Get Manicures Instead?".

Another time she showed up in the late afternoon, just as I was stumbling out of my bedroom with massive bed head and sheet creases on my face all, "Yeah, I just took a little nap." Her: "Of course you did, BITCH."

Once she was still here in the early evening, and I had finished my work and was waiting on a friend to pick me up for dinner. I didn't want to just hang out in my office until they arrived, so I wandered out into the living room. She was cleaning my bathroom, so I figured it was safe to sit in the living room with a nice glass of wine and the paper. She came in all exasperated, carrying an armful of cleaning products, and RIGHT THEN I looked up from the paper while taking a sip of wine. Oh, The Look.

It's just sort of funny, this impression she is gleaning from me. What she doesn't see? That most mornings I get up at 5:45 to start work. The times I'm sitting here at midnight working. All of the nights I'm out working. All of the weekends. All of the times I'm out trying to have a social life and I have to either take client calls or stop what I'm doing to go to them or back home to work on something for them.

Instead, she just thinks I'm this bitch who would rather pay someone to do my dirty work, for sweeping is beneath me. When really, it's just that I'm so crazy busy, I work hard, I make decent money - so why shouldn't I treat myself to having someone else clean my house? (And by clean, I mean, she doesn't run around PICKING UP after me, she just dusts and stuff!) And why is she so pissy about it? She's the one who decided to BECOME a cleaning lady.

Anyway, she hates my guts, yet she has no problem cashing my checks. Lovely.

Refusing to look in the photo albums.

2006-03-20T10:40:00.000-08:00

Did you ever wear something that you thought was really hot/cool/hip, but when you look back at it now do you wonder if you were smoking crack back in those days?

Well then, go visit Liz and check out the help she is giving her friend Zoe, and THEN tell Miss Zoe all about YOUR fashion nightmares.

I did.

(Also, do not laugh at Liz's cats playing piano shirt. I like Liz, a lot. And I would never laugh at such a thing.)

(Except I laughed really hard. NICELY.)

Oh, and if you're going to do it, do it stat - the deadline is Tuesday March 21st at 3 p.m. EST.

Ice diving.

2006-03-17T07:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was holding a glass under the "ice" dispenser on the door of my fridge, and I could hear the ice maker make this weird grind/halt noise. I squatted down, peered up at the opening of the dispenser while of course still pressing the glass against the lever. I was peering up to see if ice was stuck, or what, I don't know.

Finally an ice cube broke through - shot out, rather - and landed in my cleavage.

Want to see something scary? Worse than that awful movie I wrote about? Something that will give you nightmares and worry? Here you go.

I'm sorry.

Want to know something scarier? I own a shirt very similar to that one.

Some friends and their six year old son are going to be visiting this weekend. I called to get a feel for what they'd need, and I spoke to the little boy.

Me: What can I get for you while you're here?

(long pause, occasional breath to let me know he's there)

Me: What do you like to drink?

Him: SEVEN AND SEVEN.

Well, that'll be easy.

Blah/Fucked Up Movie/Edith

2006-03-13T16:37:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm sitting at my desk, eating a Costco chocolate chunk cookie (have you had these? They are so dreamy. As in, I could never make a cookie so perfect. So, I don't even try.), and taking a much needed break. In a little while I have to go to this thing where people stand around and sip wine and eat those little rolled up sandwiches and talk about how successful they are. I'm not in the mood, frankly, but I promised I'd be there.

Every inch of my desk is covered, and my blessed cookie has to sit on a napkin on my datebook. Poor cookie doesn't even get prime real estate on my desk.

It's been a crazy start to the month, I'm so busy and I've been putting in lonnnng hours here at this desk. Long, long, long.

After the Big Shit Contest, I have to go to yet another meeting. I'm tired. But, don't cry for me Argentina, I like the way things are going right now.

There's really no point to this post, other than I'm killing some time. Saying hey.

Last night I was up quite late, sipping the wine, and surfing for something, ANYTHING to entertain me at 2:00 a.m. on the tube. It's not an easy thing to accomplish.

And then? I freaked the shit out of myself by clicking on a movie, with the same name as this year's Oscar winner. But? It wasn't. OH MY GOD, it was not the same movie! Was anyone aware that such a movie had been made? Of course I watched about twenty minutes* of it, because I couldn't turn away. Seriously one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen in my life.

Today, I saw that Maureen Stapleton died. Only, I thought it was JEAN Stapleton and immediately sent an e-mail to a few friends with the subject line "EDITH'S DEAD!!!!". I do a mean Edith Bunker impression, which I had just done over the weekend in front of said friends, and I was very concerned that I had jinxed her. Glad to see she's okay.

Also, thanks for all the 24 feedback. Can't wait to watch tonight's.

Also also, I'm very boring. And apparently easily startled.

*Okay, I watched about an hour's worth. YIKES.

Question.

2006-03-07T12:11:00.000-08:00

Let me do this Keifer-style, yo.

Who watched 24 last night?

WHO WATCHED 24 LAST NIGHT?

Gah, I have called everyone I can think of and NO ONE HAS WATCHED IT and I need to get all "WOW!" about it with someone. And I don't do discussion boards, so that's out.

I tried laying it on my dog, but he's all, "Yeah yeah KEIFER, I KNOW!"

Someone wow with me, please.

No To-Do List

2006-03-06T09:26:00.000-08:00

A relatively quiet weekend was had by me! It was the first weekend in I don't know how long that I didn't have to be on the go go go, and I was loving it.

Except? I didn't really know what to do with myself. One would think I'd catch up on all sorts of neglected things, but even then I didn't know what to do. I don't know how to be bored!

So, there was a lot of walking around my house, staring blankly at walls, and pausing in the hallway - not sure where I was going or what I was doing.

Alas, I DID have dinner plans last night, to celebrate a friend's birthday. This involved getting dressed up, hightailing it to a very fancy Japanese restaurant, and FINALLY I was in my element. Something to do! Social! Not work related!

Yet, I believe my nearly 48 hours of doing nothing rendered me dumb. I couldn't think of anything to talk about! "I like using chopsticks." REALLY? RIVETING!

Then I invited everyone back to my place for birthday cake, and I was SO EXCITING, that everyone was yawning and putting their jackets on to leave BEFORE 9:00 p.m.

Secretly, I was happy. It's nice to take a break.

Morbid, yet important.

2006-03-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday night, between cooking and cleaning up dinner, I started to have a really weird headache. I was also extremely stressed out about a project I was working on and was waiting for a phone call back from a client that was going to determine whether or not I was going to have to stay up all night to work on it, so I'm quite sure that's where the headache came from.

For a second there I was feeling all light headed and stressed and headachey and for a brief second I thought I just might die. So, I turned to the person who was watching American Idol with me while all of this was going on and said, "If I die right now, please change the channel before the ambulance comes. I don't want them to know that I was watching this. Please change it to PBS or the History Channel or something."

Of course I was joking, but for a brief second I thought, "Please don't let the last thing I see in life be DAVID RADFORD."

Which is exactly why I wanted the channel channged. "You'll be happy to know, she died peacefully at home, watching American Idol. She was enjoying David Radford."

BECAUSE NO.

And then last night, I was driving happily along to meet some friends for dinner, and while making an already scary merge an idiot about crashed right into me.

And I quickly thought to myself, "What song is on? WHAT SONG IS ON? Do I need to change it, in case I die RIGHT THIS SECOND? (reaching for volume on stereo) What is going to be playing when I exit this earth?"

"You'll be happy to know, that although she perished, she was on her way to have dinner with 5 girlfriends, and she was listening to Lady Lumps."

Things I Don't Understand - Part 2

2006-03-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

Things My Dog Will Bark At:

1. Air.

2. A breeze. Then it is REALLY ON, BUB!

3. Someone walking by the house, minding their own bees wax.

4. Someone thinking about walking by the house, and yet still minding their own bees wax.

5. A weed.

6. Randy Jackson on American Idol. Maybe it's the dog pound references?

Things My Dog Will Not Bark At:

1. Me yelling "Oh SHIT!" out front.

2. A huge cat versus birds fight on my front lawn.

3. Someone actually walking up to my house, not minding their own bees wax. Unless they are carrying lawn maintenance gear.

4. Paula Abdul. Although, we are both pretty disappointed that she isn't batshit crazy this season.

5. A freaking thunderstorm that makes me hide under the covers. He's all, "meh".

Smooth.

2006-02-28T14:35:00.000-08:00

Today I went to a luncheon to accept an award, and in the span of the five minutes in which I was presented the award, I did the following:

1. Carried MY KEYS up to the stage with me (why?!) and then dropped them when handed the award.

2. Addressed the president of the company by the wrong name. The really wrong name, as in not even close.

3. Forgot to say THANK YOU. In my defense, I gave all the credit to someone else.

4. Said "wow" when some thunder roared outside during my speech.

5. Whacked a guest seated in the front row in the head with my award when walking back to my seat.

Hello!

2006-02-21T10:46:00.000-08:00

I am writing these here words in order to kill some time, as I was JUST NOW getting on the horn to make several work related phone calls when HELLO my gardeners decided right this second would be a good time to roll up (an hour early!) and turn on every single landscaping device known to man, thus making me sound like I'm calling from inside a huge field. Also, my dog is having a complete tissy that they are here, even though they've been showing up every week for my dog's entire TEN AND A HALF YEAR LIFE, so get over yourself, DOG.

I should not be surprised, as this is how my entire day has been going.

First thing to go? COFFEE POT shattered to a billion pieces as I gently set it in the sink this morning. Such is the treat of fishing for glass in the garbage disposal.

I raced around for an early morning appointment here, only to finally be set up when she called to say she's coming THIS AFTERNOON instead.

I met with someone else today who informed me she was just starting to get a cold, and then decided to prove it by SNEEZING on my ARM.

I managed to re-arrange my entire office over the weekend, because the work flow/ability to reach things and spread out was off, and yet I'm camped out in my dining room to work instead. Fickle, much?

I'm awaiting a ray of sunshine. Anything.

I did have a funny moment last night. A couple of us tried a new steakhouse to the area, and I was unnaturally attracted to the buckets of peanuts they put on the tables, and the concept of shelling and eating the peanuts at your table and then dropping the shells onto the floor. Ohhh, rustic!

However, I was shy on making a mess, and instead was building a little shell pile next to my place setting. I was told to be bold! Push them to the floor! Everyone's doing it! Them! Look! Those old people just did it! That prissy looking lady just did it! DO IT!

I finally mustered the courage to do it, and with one grand swoop I slid my hand over my entire side of the table, the peanut shells flying off the table...up into the air...and landing on the dinner plate of another guest who's waiter was bringing them their food! And possibly hitting the waiter in the eye. So freeing!

Mint smells good.

2006-02-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

Something is in the air that is causing people to be downright weird, and I for one am loving it. Here are some recent goodies:

I was grocery shopping, and the checker girl was ringing up a bag of fresh cilantro. She commented on how much she just loves the fragrance of the herb, and I agreed, but it went on and on as I was then treated to the many uses of the great and almighty cilantro. There was a young guy bagging my groceries, completely silent the entire time, just solemnly bagging my purchases. As he was escorting my cart out to the parking lot, I found it interesting that he was so quiet, and so I tried to make chit chat, but to no avail. I only received a polite nod or two. But when he was finished loading my car, and just as he slammed the back closed, he turned to me and asked, "You know what else smells good? Mint." Yes. Yes it does! And then I had to laugh as I got into my car, at the very thought that this was what his brain was working on the entire time!

After a whirlwhind weekend of fancy meals at fancy restaurants, I went out again Tuesday night with friends to another la-dee-da dinner. It was kind an older establishment, quite fancy and dark, and you could tell the waiters had come with the building - they were all older and well skilled with the menu and wine selections. Our waiter was particularly interesting because he was so...fast. He'd rattle off suggestions for the next course, and before you could ask a question, he was gone. This was generating a lot of laughter at our table, as we were actually writing down our questions so that we could be prepared for his next brief appearance. We also had to hold our ten foot high menus on our laps while we ate our appetizers because he had them on the table and split before we could even order our entrees. Awkward, but funny. At one point, I directed a little joke his way about what an entertaining waiter he was...and that's when the floodgates opened. Everytime he returned to our table afterward, he was performing....directly to me. All attendees at the table marveled at this, and wondered what he'd do next. For me, it was completely awkward, and actually felt like WORK as I had to stop enjoying my champagne and crab cakes and TAKE IN his performance and acknowledge it with praise. At the end of the evening, my friends felt he should have tipped ME.

This morning I was wrapping up a call with a client, and mentioned how quickly our spring-like weather had turned to pretty-damn-cold. He resonded with, "What we need you to do is, go outside and warm it up with your...(wait for it)...smile." Did he read that on MSN or something? "Impress the ladies with these weather-related witty comments. And possibly score!"

Today I won't be getting out of the office to interact with people until the afternoon, but I can't WAIT to see what happens next.

T'was not to be.

2006-02-14T17:19:00.000-08:00

It was a career opportunity, that would have been huge, but people need to THINK ABOUT IT and WILL GET BACK TO ME, and this is the part where I cry.

I shouldn't have even written that post this morning, but I had to do something because I was all jittery and nervousy and sitting alone in an office with no one to yell "Holy crap I'm nervous!" to and it was starting to get to me.

So, there will be lots more champagne and a little less chocolate, because even the best chocolate can't get me out of my funk right now. I was hoping to toast to this opportunity, but I will try to remain classy and not a Bitter Betty (yet I'm totally thinking Bitter Betty thoughts towards the person making the final decision - example, I hope they are denied champagne and chocolate this evening!).

After all, I've only known about this possibility for less than a week, and I was doing okay before then, so I will pretend it didn't rear it's unattainable head and be on my way.

Gah and GRRR and whatever additional tsk tsk noise.

I love when she's vague.

2006-02-14T10:39:00.000-08:00

I'm on the brink of something either terribly exciting, or terribly frightening...won't really know which until WAY late in the afternoon.

The good thing is, whichever it is, I'm prepared to handle both. And besides, by frightening, I don't mean scary...I mean challenging.

Valentine's Day! Let the chocolate and champagne indulging commence!

This one's for T-Dawggie

2006-02-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

It's Miss T's anniversary of the day she was born.

For the past 8 years we've had an awesome friendship that has given me some of the best memories of my life. And also some of the craziest.

If I could give her anything, I'd give her the following (and this is going to be entertaining only to her):

KJ wine, a strict no-making-out-with-random-pizza-delivery-BOYS policy (at least not when I'm around, thank you), an alarm clock that shouts ("get out of bed, UGLY!"), the game I NEVER which lead to many discoveries we NEVER wanted to know, night's at your Pop Pop's cabin that always seem to go on forever, the dice cup with the fart in it, one more for the road, the memory of THE night in Hawaii in 2001 (you know what I'm talking about), Prince's booty, a giant spoon to be used to fling Rocky Road ice cream off the balcony onto that prick's head, a little tenderness, the glass I ripped off from El Torito for you but then never actually gave you, that dude Crank's phone number, jello shots that do not taste like toothpaste, the ability to locate the lantern BEFORE we lose power for two days at PP's cabin - not the day we leave ("Oh, it was right here. Huh."), opera voice messages on your answering machine, hold the tomatoes, a killer rack, 1.5 minute abs, non-hippy music, drives out into the "country" with our "moonshine", batteries ("why does it take SIX batteries to get me going?!"), those weird crepes you like so much, and...a lot more good times.

I'm probably going to think of a ton more things later, but I wanted to get this up before you got to work. I'll have a drink for you, since you cannot. I'm that good of a friend. I'll wait until at least 10 a.m. though. I'm responsible and shit.

Craptacular.

2006-02-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I dashed out to my car, which was in my driveway, to head out to a very important meeting. I rounded the corner of my car to the driver's side to find a big pile of CRAP splashed all the way down the car window. Dried. (I'm taking another gag reflex JUST FOR YOU to share with you how glamourous my life is).

I was completely late for my meeting, so I surveyed the damage and I actually had to laugh. There was CRAP on my window. It was too big to be from a bird. It seriously looked like someone had FLUNG it at my window, which only made me laugh harder. I'm sure I looked like a loon standing there laughing at poo on my window. Now all my friends will get the idea that I would find it FUN to find dog shit burning on my front porch. For the record: I would not.

I finally figured it was probably from a cat, a cat of which I do not own. Said cat was probably crossing over my car to the neighbor's house, using my car as a fun obstacle course rather than, I don't know, just walking around my car. It was probably just at the top of the car when it heard my ferocious dog bark from the side yard and then in mid-air down from the car had the crap scared out of him, literally.

As I said, I was late, so I had to DRIVE to my meeting like this. You know how you can sense something out of your peripheral vision? Every time I came to a stop sign/light, I thought I felt something looking at me, but it was only the poop.

Even though I knew the people I was meeting with wouldn't actually see me get in or out of my car (I could have hopped off a boxcar for all they knew), I still parked a mile away and walked immediately away from the car as if there was NO WAY I just stepped out of a vehicle with crap on the window. In my head I heard someone sing, "Just a goood 'ole girl...never meanin' no harm...".

The meeting went well, and the people were so nice. One woman was telling me how horrible her day had been going, when for a second I thought I'd share my hilarious story, but somehow intelligence intervened and I decided not to.

But then I didn't even HAVE to.

A friend of mine, who had referred me to said company, came into the meeting about a half hour late, and when he sat down at the table he looked over to me and asked, "Did you know there's some sort of...crap?...on your car?"

Lesson learned: Even if you're in a suit and very late for a meeting, always hose the crap off your car. ALWAYS.

Added, but does not have anything to do with this entry, I just had to share the Shock and the Horror - I have to agree with Kitty on this one.

"Let's get some fucking chicken!"*

2006-01-27T13:00:00.000-08:00

Overheard at a party last night:

Girl: Do I look fat in this?

Guy: Not really, but I can't see past your head.

*Tell me what movie this quote is from. I know you know, Gene.

Jan's a big BABY.

2006-01-23T19:47:00.000-08:00

I've been a little boo-hooer the last few days. Not depressed, doom and gloom, just ready to turn on the water works in an instant. Without wanting to!

It started when I was making dinner the other night and my dish didn't look ANYTHING like the picture of the recipe. Even though I followed the recipe to the LETTER. And didn't have one drop of alcohol during the whole process. I looked in the pan, looked at the picture, and then: BOO HOO.

Next day I saw a bunny run across a street and miss getting hit by a BMW within a billionth of a second. The bunny is safe: Still, BOO HOO.

Last night it was a combination of 2:00 a.m. and the last scene of this series that has taken me since CHRISTMAS to watch all the way through and Lord I'm in love with these men now.

And that's it. I'm doing well, just a bit sniffly here and there.

Obviously I'm really tired. I'm always tear provoked when exhausted.

Things I Don't Understand - Part 1

2006-01-06T11:07:00.000-08:00

Why do people include their BABY'S NAME on their outgoing answering machine? Do babies get a lot of calls? This epidemic is happening a lot lately, and frankly it boggles my mind.

Sorry if you do this, I just don't get it.

'scuse me. CLICK.

2006-01-03T18:25:00.000-08:00

I just ordered nachos from a fabulous hole in the wall place that I love. Trouble is, I BURPED on the phone right after I said "light on the sour cream".

"Light on the sour cream..." BUUUUUUUURP. "YOU GOT THAT?"

Good Lord. Thank you, Corona with lime!

That reminds me of a time when I was a tender 17 or so and I was working as a receptionist at a beauty salon. I reported to work with the largest largey Dr. Pepper that your mama ever did see, and as I was sucking it down as if it were the nectar of life, the owner asked me to call some hairdresser to tell her she was hired.

Easy!

I dialed the number, she answered.

"Suzie?"

"Yes?"

BUUUUUUURP.

And then I died. As well as everyone in the salon.

Two or three months later? I was ringing up some shampoo for a lady and she starts giggling while she's writing her check.

Me all happy, because PLEASE SHARE the laughs: "What's so funny?"

"I'm sorry, but I was in here a few months ago...(LAUGH)...and you were on the phone with someone and (LAUGH) BURPED like I've never heard before...."

Man. Now I have to have someone else call in all future nacho orders.

Yeah. Happy new year. GOD!

2005-12-30T18:00:00.000-08:00

I have come to this space to vent. I'm using this space as if it were a couch cushion I can scream into. Stand back, please.

I'm READY for the HOLIDAYS to be OVER, please and thank you!

Perhaps it's that the nature of my career is that I am forced to start holiday speak around AUGUST, so now it's just a tad OLD. But seriously, I am one spinach dip away from losing my shit.

I have attended NINETEEN holiday related activities. That's a lot. AND I still have dinner out tonight, TWO parties tomorrow night and freaking BRUNCH on Sunday.

My holiday cheer cup runneth over. Pass the poison.

Wow, I'm feeling better already.

I'm grumpy anyway for a bunch of reasons. One, I somehow managed to stab the shit out of my lower left gumline in a tragic Twizzler feeding during a rousing (snore) game of Monopoly last night and now it's swollen and although no one would know this if I didn't MENTION IT TO EVERYONE TODAY, I feel as if I need to because I'm feeling all Marlon Brando puffy cheek.

And it's raining. AGAIN. As in ALL THE TIME. My merry mood was probably thwarted when for the first time ever I decided to put out some damn lighted reindeers and Christmas trees on my front lawn earlier this month...only for them to be lit ONCE and then promptly shorted out. Oh and that once? One of the bulbs in one of the grazing reindeers' heads was BURNED OUT (which caused the whole HEAD to be burned out) so I'm sure I scared my whole neighborhood for that one night when they could drive by and see a lit up DECAPITATED reindeer! But the other one was facing him, still "grazing", all lovingly so maybe I actually set a good example like, "if you lose your head in a fucked up grazing accident, true love will prevail and if you're with the right person/reindeer, they'll stick by you no matter what".

So. Here I sit, sipping a glass of wine (and NOT enjoying it! Defiance!), listening to the wind and rain beat the hell out of my office window and trying to tell myself, 'suck it up' and that I can make it out in the rain and wind and enjoy my friends for one more weekend. I can!

What is WRONG with me?

Name that tune.

2005-12-14T15:34:00.000-08:00

I have a very weird habit when I'm stressed.

I sing, or rather belt out my actions. Huge stress reliever. Only thing is, I tend to lean towards Cher style. I don't know why that is - I'm not particularly a Cher fan, but I can actually do a good impression and it's sort of more satisfying to belt out.

When I say I sing my actions, I mean, when alone in the house with my mind racing and calculating all of the things I need to get done, I do actually sing them outloud as my brain is processing them. Part of today's singy-song was:

"Gotta put the MAAAAAIIIIIIIL OUUUUUUUUUT!"

"Fucking BROWNIES are DOOOOONNNNNNE NOOOOWWWWW! Hope everybody LIIIIIIIkes them!!!!"

"Where are my DAMN KEEEEEEEYYYYS????"

It's an odd little habit, yet it keeps me entertained and again, I release a lot of built up stress.

An hour or so ago I was heading out to have a smoke (I KNOW) when standing on the inside of my front door I sang, "Neeeeed to put my SHHHOOOOOEEESSSS ONNNNN!" to which I echoed myself in Opera Style: "Neeeed to put my SHHHHOOOOOOEEESSSS ONNNNN" at a piercing level.

Two seconds later?

On the other side of the door I heard a man's voice horribly sing, "Neeeed to answer the door for the BUUUUUUG GUUUUUUUYYYYYYY!"

You know what?

For half a second I considered echoing him in Opera Style.

Or pee my pants in embarrassment.

I answered the door instead and we had a good laugh and I sent him home with a brownie.

I live like a slob, apparently.

2005-12-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

A little over year ago I was at the end of my rope with my cleaning lady.

I have a new one now.

And she's driving me CRAZY.

Every single task she does, I hear "UGH! UHHHH! MMMMPHHHH!" like she's being tortured by cleaning my house.

My house is not a pig stye! It's actually quite neat! She's getting paid THREE TIMES MORE than my previous lady. It's HER JOB. And yet, she is making me a bumbly ball of guilt ridden apologies..."Oh, I'm sorry there's dust there!" "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't put the remote away!" "I'm sorry my kitchen cabinet is tall and you have to stand on your toes for a second!"

God forbid I step out of my office for a second to get a drink. I then get the rundown of everything she's had to do.

"You had a (takes deep breath) pen on the kitchen counter. I put it...." (motions for me to follow her)...here." (opens a drawer) Uh, okay!

I...can't...win.

With this swan, I thee wed.

2005-11-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

My friend Becky got married not too long ago. She's the only Becky I know, so she has to put up with me exclaiming, "Oh...my...god, Becky...look at her butt!" everytime we're in a crowd. Fortuntely, she still laughs and doesn't rip my tonsils out.

Last week I got her thank you note for the gift I gave her (them!) and I about died. First? I was perplexed. She was thanking me for a GLASS SWAN. A glass swan which I did not give. I gave her towels! Off her registery! Pretty, fluffy towels!

Turns out my card fell off my gift (always tape! DUCT TAPE!), and someone who transferred her gifts must have just shoved any old card next to the GLASS SWAN gift.

Becky thought I had really lost it, and was too NICE to do anything other than write the most thoughtful, sweet, sincere thank you note in the history of all thank you notes. All the while wondering what had possessed me to give her the gift of SWAN.

A little damnation for a late afternoon.

2005-10-25T17:35:00.000-07:00

Damn (in sort of a nice way):

The makers of bite sized Rice Krispies treats. The top of my trash can is cluttered with blue foil wrappers, revealing a huge gluttony problem.

The folks who designed the packaging for Advil Cold and Sinus - trying to peel the backing off the wrappers for their huge horse pills is aggravating, especially with a sinus headache.

Evany (not really!) for turning me on to CB2 and making me kiss my hard earned dollars adios.

October, I can't hear you.

2005-10-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

Within the last month I've been here, here, and here. If you're saying 'whew', I join you.

During all of this, and upon my return from the last one, I've been sick with various sinus related goodness which mostly involved spurts of my ears being plugged. I'm thinking this was due to air travel, as on my last trip upon landing in both the city and then back home I had the worst...screeching...pressure pain ever in my ears. Delightful, really.

With all the travel, excitement, sickness and bustling work in between trips, this month has been an absolute whirlwind. One I wouldn't want to do again until, say, 2009. Mama needs a little rest.

The best part of the last trip? Watching Kelly Bundy do it UP. Seriously, I think I got a tear in my eye (I'm certain I got a lump in my throat) when I stood for her ovation. She was amazing.

Also, I think I gained about 300 pounds from all of the good food. It's impossible to eat anything bad in that town.

Appetite Killer

2005-10-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

Today I ran into a deli to grab a quick sandwich in between appointments. It turned out to be not-so-quick, because there was only one cash register and one guy was training another guy how to use it. And boy was his training thorough. I was waiting for him to dismantle the entire cash register to show him the inner workings, that's how explainy he was to his trainee.

Still, I am patient when it comes to this sort of thing (which is odd, since waiting in lines is one of my least favorite things to do), because as I see it everyone has a "first day" and needs to start somewhere. So, I waited patiently in line.

When it was finally my turn, I took my time placing my order so as to not confuse the trainee. Still, it took forever due to Mr. Trainer insisting on explaining about fifty billion buttons on the machine, when really all he needed to do was hit 'turkey sandwich'.

As the trainee finished ringing me up, Mr. Trainer looked at me and said, "What do you say, Ma'am...thirty or forty more times and he'll be a PRO at this, right?"

"Sure! It'll eventually be as easy as pie."

Mr. Trainer slammed his hand down on the counter. "That's right! He won't even have to think about it!"

I nodded, "...it'll just come natural!"

Mr. Trainer's eyes lit up. "YES! Just like...going to the bathroom!"

Uh.

Hmmm.

Trainee and I shared a similar "he didn't just say that" look.

"Or something!" I said quickly, before wishing the trainee luck and standing way far away to wait for my sandwich.

It's my car, I'll listen to what I want. Thank you!

2005-09-20T18:49:00.000-07:00

A nice lady named Holly e-mailed me to refer me to this article, proving that I may just be right for once in my live-long life.

So, recently, my car has really been the venue for some interesting conversations, starting with the middle finger thing and all. Last night it was all about Mr. Tommy Lee and why I own his album. Because...I DO! (Good one!?)

It was playing quietly in the background while we were chatting away, Tommy was minding his own business and doing his own Tommy thing, only to have my girlfriend ask, "Uh, who is this we're listening to?"

(Turning head away, mumbling under breath): Tommy...*cough*...Lee?

Her: OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Of course I matched her volume: YES, I'M SERIOUS. He's a legend. And he sounds all...cute? Nice? I can sometimes understand his lyrics?

Her: You have sold out, sister.

Me: I know.

Her: Tommy Lee. What's his album called?

Me: Tommyland?

And then we both died laughing.

I turned it up. "See, it's...good? Good!"

She started mumbling things...imitating his signing...exaggerating a bit much.

I stroked my stereo. "Don't listen to her, Tommy. She doesn't KNOW. Keep singing, brother."

It's Tommy FREAKING LEE. And hello, I'm 13 again. Just like THAT!

It's not a willie?

2005-09-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

Me: This woman in front of me is killing me. She has no idea what she's doing. She's going like forty on the freeway.

Him: Idiot.

(Passing her)

Him: Flip her off! FLIP HER OFF!

Me: What? Flip her off? No.

Him: Why not?

Me: #1, I could get killed. You don't flip off around here. #2, what the hell is the big deal with showing someone your middle finger? "oooo, look I can make my finger look like a penis and balls! I'm TOUGH."

(Awkward silence)

Me: What?

Him: Make your finger look like a penis and balls?

Me: Isn't that the whole "f-you" message by giving the finger? Middle finger up, fingers on sides down? Looks like a...?

Him: (trying not to laugh) Um, no....you see there was this war, between the English and the French...and the French used to cut off the middle fingers of the English so they couldn't draw a bow...and the English used to show off to the French that their fingers weren't cut off in battle.

Me: You are so making that up. (Flipping bird) DICK! BALLS!

Him: It's true! Also, those are some weird looking balls.

But I was thirsty?

2005-09-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

Today I visited an establishment where you purchase gifts for women who are about to bear another person into this world. I was half-ass zipping in, crumpled wish list in hand, hurry hurry hurry I need to be two other places RIGHT NOW.

Standing in line waiting for someone to ring me up, I noticed a little sign near the cash register. It said:

"Shopping from a registry? If we forget to ask you, enjoy a beverage on us."

This is how my lame brain interpreted it.

"Hmmm. That's pretty neat that you get something to drink just for shopping off a registry."

"I didn't see anyone sipping anything in the aisles?"

"Maybe they give you something to drink on your way home?"

"That would be nice."

"I'm sorta parched."

When I got up to the check-out lady I said, "I shopped from a registry, so I guess I get a beverage?"

The lady tilted her head and looked at me. "But, I didn't get a chance to ask you yet, Ma'am."

"Well," I say, setting my purse on the counter, "I'll just take what you have. What are my choices?"

YES THIS REALLY HAPPENED.

"Ma'am? We only give you a coupon for a drink...if we forget to ask you if you're shopping from a registry...so that we can take your item off the recipient's list...it's sort of a reminder thing?"

This is when my brain yells to myself: YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID AND YOU CAN'T PULL THIS ONE OFF IN ANY COOL MANNER WHATSOEVER.

"Ohhh...." I stammer.

She looks at the registry, takes the item off my list, and I can see she's trying to keep her shit together, her jaw has clenched, and her hand is shaking while holding the zapper thing.

"You can laugh if you want."

She lets out a huge, relieved laugh. "Ma'am, that was just the cutest thing. I'm going to give you a coupon just for making my day."

"Excellent. But I can't drink a coupon, now can I? I'm thirsty!"

"You really pictured people walking around, holding lists, sipping on drinks, didn't you?"

"Lattes, to be exact."

Say hello to my little friend.

2005-07-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I visited a friend who was babysitting two small children.

The three year old was very shy towards me at our introduction. Yet, as the evening progressed we went on to:

color - her often exclaiming with joy over anything I had colored, and of course I returned the favor

play catch - for like 800 hours

play with her doll, and the ohhhs and ahhhhs that came out of her when I braided her doll's hair were hilarious

eat a little dinner, make faces at the veggies and laugh until we decided - what the hell, no veggies tonight!

read "Good Night Moon" over and over and make a collaborative decision that it is by far the best book in THE WORLD.

Her mother returned to pick up her kids, and when the little girl saw her in the doorway, she bolted out of the cozy reading/fort we had created in the U part of the sectional couch and screamed MOMMA! so loud I think my teeth rattled. With her arms gripped tightly around her mother's neck, she squeezed, and then looked back at me.

Her mother saw that she was looking over at me and asked her daughter, "Did you have a good time with her?"

"NO! Hate her!"

Ice Cream

2005-07-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

Driving around today, I got stuck behind a red Toyota that was driving at least 25 in a 45 mile zone. Frustrated, I waited until I could pass him on his left, and as I passed and went to shoot the "what the hell" look, I saw the driver hunched over his steering wheel devouring an ice cream cone, no making love to an ice cream cone. It was a strange sight to see. Yes, it was a crazy hot day, and ice cream is a great treat for such misery, but good God man, show some self control.

I got to a light, and soon enough Ice Cream Violator finally made his way next to me. When I turned to look again, he was lurched over his steering wheel with his palm flat on his forehead and his face in a painful twist. Ice cream headache.

Yes, I laughed.