Friday, May 28, 2004


All of my posts from here on out through August will start, "I am so DAMN BUSY". Get used to it, embrace it.

I have no idea where this week went. Whirlwind. Phone to my ear, papers to fill out, locations to scout, negotiations, shaking hands, kissing babies.

The kissing babies part was way fun. For instance? Last weekend I went to a girlfriend's birthday party where there were about a dozen babies in attendance. I squeezed them all. One little two month old baby girl got all fussy on me when I was holding her, so I stood up and did the gentle bouncy thing which worked on babies #3, #4, and #5...but not on her. Just when I was about to give up, the father of the birthday girl walked up to introduce himself to me. The baby STARED at this man. MESMORIZED. Everyone started laughing because she would not blink, or move, or coo for a long, long time. Just stare. I told him he should hire himself out to hypnotise babies.

I've met and/or worked with quite a few interesting people this week. I'm going to highlight some of my dealings for this week so you can see what my encounters are like sometimes:

Spit or Swallow Dude:
This sounds like it could be saucy, but it is not. It is gross. This guy was one of those people who talks so much and so fast that he wouldn't take the damn .0001 second it would take to fucking SWALLOW and he had spit foam in the corners of his mouth. I think I gagged a little. Welcome Googlers searching for "spit", "foam", hell - "spit foam" "swallow", "fucking", "gag". Jan Brady sure goes downhill quickly.

Ms. Don't-put-that-there!:
I was setting up a retirement reception, and the lady hosting it welcomed me with, "Please feel free to set up anywhere! The entire house is open to you - do your magic!". I set something down on a table: "Uh yeah, we're not going to use that table..." (?), I move to a shelf: "I'd rather not have that there...", I move to a counter: "I'm going to try to leave that space open...", I switch to: "How about UP YOUR ASS?" Because I'm a professional. And I really wanted to shove it up her ass.

Neighbor kid:
I've seen him around the neighborhood, but I couldn't tell you which house he lives in. He's about ten or so. He came over and asked if I had a Game Cube, and could I lend him some games. How freaking BRAVE is that? I guess he had seen me playing X-box (through the screen door/front door), and assumed I had one. I was actually disappointed I didn't have any games to loan him because I thought his asking was pretty clever as well as cute.

Starfish kid:
I did a birthday party for a seven-year-old girl who wanted a starfish theme. Do you know how freaking hard it is to find STARFISH theme stuff? Hard. But I did it. And? I made her this cute little tiara thing with little fake starfish and was SO FUCKING PROUD OF IT, and she just went, "It's fine" when I showed it to her. It's fine. Until all the other seven-year-old girls oohed and ahhed and coveted it - then she's all pointing to me like we're best friends "I know! That lady made it for me!!!". It's fine.

I was going to write about a few more, but I've really got to be going. I love my job. I really do. People fascinate me. Especially the wee ones.

But I'm starting to feel guilty for making fun.