Monday, December 06, 2004

"But can you get jiggy in it?"

This weekend I went wedding dress/bridesmaid dress shopping with Toni, who as I mentioned before, is getting married next Spring. In HAWAII. At the most gorgeous place in all of the most gorgeous places in all of Hawaii.

Fortunately, the woman was organized. She had already been on one round of "selections" with her mother a few weeks before, so this time I was just coming to look at the "finalists". I was to meet her at the bridal shop, but what she didn't tell me was that it was in CHINA. Okay, not China, but far far away. And I had to drive all by my lonesome because I was coming from a previous engagement. And I got lost and wanted to cry and called her from my cell to say, "I know I'm very late. I got lost here in China. I'll just wear a barrel. And leg warmers, because they're BACK, BITCH!"

So when I got there, Toni was already standing on that huge step thing circled by mirrors and she looked soooo gorgeous in the dress that was the main contender, and all I could say was, "Well, shit!". Which foo-foo bridal salon lady - er, consultant! - turned her nose up at. Yet Toni laughed. Seriously though, she's gonna be one hot mama.

Then it was time for me to try on my dress (oh and I'm maid of honor, so I get my OWN STYLE, different from the other maids, OH YEAH), and even though I told the lady my size, she took measurements anyway and was all yelling them out to someone else who was writing them down, and I was looking across the way at another bride who was being fitted going, "Now you know me REALLY WELL, don't ya? Need a kidney or anything?"

Of course the dress she picked for me was gorgeous, the woman does have some good taste. At first I didn't want to stand on the step thingy, because I viewed the step as HOLY and for BRIDES ONLY, but the foo-foo lady made me. And once we checked it fit the way it was supposed to in all the right places, Toni made me check to make sure I could still bust-a-move in it, Missy E. style, and we all breathed a sigh of relief when I could. Even foo-foo lady.

See, this time two years ago, Toni and I participated in an annual lip-sync contest/party. We did Missy E.'s "Work It", TOTALLY choreographed and everything, and we WON the contest. We beat out many, many people, including the Barry Manilow dude who had the crowd CRYING he was so funny. But, get this. It was definitely a MATURE performance. The outfits? Skanky-ish. The song lyrics? Rated R. And SHE WANTS US TO DO IT AT HER RECEPTION! For all that is Holy! I told her MAYBE I'd do it if it's the 'radio safe'/FCC approved version. And we take out about 85% of our moves. And the minister has already left. And her parents avert their eyes. And I've had 32 pina coladas.