Friday, June 11, 2004

But does Jesus do ATKINS?

Remember when I laughed at Jesus' six pack? You should, I mean it was only like two posts ago.

Anyway, I was feeling rather guilty about it until other people started SUPPORTING my laughter.

People like, I don't know...Dawnie and Coleen, who made funny comments here.

And then Martha of The Random Muse writes to me and says, "As to what they were thinking by putting up a picture of The Lord Our Savior Jesus Christ in the middle of a gym? Maybe it was like an inspiration thing. You're all tired and sweaty and ready to call it quits and head to the shower, but then you see the picture and stop to ask yourself WWJD? What would he do? ANOTHER THREE SETS OF AB CRUNCHES!" Haaaaaa.

And then Martha went on to show me SOME VERY CREEPY "Athletic Jesus" figurines, that had me in tears of HORROR and LAUGHTER. Who KNEW Jesus was so SPORTY?

Martha and I offer you these figurines for your viewing pleasure. Complete with commentary, because you know we couldn't resist.

Martha: Jesus says, "You're eating too much, you little fatties! You'll NEVER make it into a professional ballet corps with that much meat on your bones!"

Me: Jesus teaches the children to look heavenward by holding a basketball just a smidgen out of their reach.

Martha: While the catcher folds his hands in solemn prayer, Jesus wonders whether or not he will get to third base with little Timmy.

Me: Is this two against one? Because with Jesus on the team? Player 21 doesn't have a popsicle's chance in hell.

Martha: Having Jesus as your gymnastics coach is even better than having Bela Karolyi. Mary Lou Retton has got NOTHING on these girls!

Me: Jesus says, "That's right, ease into it, Suzie." And look how damn happy the other kid is to be holding the golf clubs WHILE HIS SISTER IS BEING VIOLATED.

Martha: Jesus says, "Show me 'paint the fence!' Now go wax my car! No mercy!"

Me: Jesus trades in his flip flops for iceskates! And you know player "6" is going down hard, for "6" is an evil number.

Martha: With Jesus on your side, you will not only win the Wimbeldon Cup, but will also learn how to wear it upon your head, much like a crown of thorns!

Me: Jesus is possessed by the Holy Spirit and pushes Suzie off the side of the hill before doing some cool BMX tricks.

Martha: I bet Jesus is ruing the day that he decided to wear his sandals skiing, now isn't he?

Me: Jesus teaches serious cross training by proving he can run track in a robe and flip flops. CAN YOU?

Martha: Jesus imagines Judas Iscariot's face on that soccer ball and gives it a good, swift kick!