Friday, August 06, 2004

Dr. Dentist

Hi, hi. I've had wine (hello, Kendall-Jackson!). And a horrible day.

I went to the dentist this morning and was there a good, long two hours. My dentist is awesome, though. He's sort of funny (more like, he thinks I'm sort of funny!) and he always loads me down with lovely oraly hygene treats on my way out. (By the way, my new favorite thing is the Proxabrush. It's gotta handle like a toothbrush, but you put these different little pinhead things on it that you use to poke near your gums inbetween your teeth. SO much better than flossing. And your dentist can even tell you what depth your gum pockets are to customize the little heads.)

I've been seeing the same dentist for over ten years, and I really do love him. He's gentle, he makes chit-chat when your knuckles go white and your whole body is stiff as a board. He has fresh breath. He puts up with all my whining when I CRY over having any sort of dental problem when I HONESTLY take the best care possible of my teeth. He BLAMES genetics and not me. Gotta love a guy who will easily sweep blame into an entirely different direction.

So today, I had to have GUM PLANING...planeing? I don't know how to spell it so that it doesn't look like planning. Drunk? Maybe. Plane-ining. Which is a technical word for scraping the shit out of your gums. It is not pleasant, my friends. You see, my gums love calcium. So much so, that they like to SUCK IT ALL IN AND NOT LET GO so I get little lovely calcium deposits now and then. Glorious.

I'd had it done years ago, so I knew what to expect. They numb the shit out of your gums, which is a good thing, because otherwise I may have had to hurt his baby-maker. Badly. But, I was afraid of the damn shots IN THE GUMS to numb them.

So, when I entered the exam room, I threw my purse down hard on the floor and said, "Okay, so Dr. Dentist. My birthday is Sunday. Your present to me will be...THIS WON'T HURT AT ALL, and will possibly tickle and make me happy to be alive."

He laughed.

And the shots hurt like fucking hell.

He is so not getting a thank you note.

The other joy was that my mouth was numb as all get-out ALL DAY and I felt like The Elephant Man. I couldn't eat. I couldn't DRINK. I tried napping, hoping when I woke up I'd be normal again and all would be well in the world. But I couldn't find a comfortable way to lay on my pillow (I sleep on my stomach), and there was MUCH drool when I woke up. You can't feel real classy when you're wiping up pools of drool from your CHIN.

Ugh. So, this was my day. I didn't get shit done. My wee gums are tender - if not ever-so-sparkly.

And this weekend? I have to attend a baby shower, a dinner party (hosted BY ME), and entertain out-of-town friends on Sunday.

All I know is, they had ALL better comment on how freaking lovely my gums are.