Martha vs Miss Snooglepants
Martha*** recently sent me a very ridiculous photo of one Whitney Houston, which had me both trouble and near death from laughter. The following chain of e-mails resulted:
Dear Martha,
Hi, this is Jan's attorney Miss Snooglepants, and I'm here to inform you that Jan has gone on to the big Snarkywood in the sky. Last we can see, she was viewing some Whitney photos that were, I must admit, quite hilarious. We don't know who to feel more sad for -Jan's passing? Or Whitney's passing of sanity.
Warm Regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq
Dear Miss Snooglepants,
I am so sorry to hear of Jan's passing. If she happened to leave anything to me in her will, please let me know.
Sincerely yours,
Martha
Dear Martha,
Thank you for your concern. As a matter of fact, she did leave you something. A lifetime supply of Diet Pepsi and Champagne ("Dom only, bitches!"). Although there is one condition to this inheritance, and that was that YOU were not to be responsible for her death. "If she makes me laugh so hard I DIE, she gets NOTHING."
Well, thems are the breaks.
Warm regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq.
Dear Ms. Snooglepants:
I do believe that the responsibility for Jan's untimely demise lies firmly on one Whitney Houston, batshit crazy superstah, and not one Martha of The Random Muse, who was merely a conduit for photographs of said superstah. If necessary, in order to secure my claim to free caffeine and alcohol, I am willing to go to court to obtain a declaratory judgment to that effect. Am confident that the law is on my side.
Sincerely,
Martha
Dear Martha,
I know not of which you speak in regards to "declaratory judgement", for I received my legal degree on-line, and I didn't download that specific lesson because I was a little too busy playing Free Cell and reading the Onion. So, if you are willing to overlook this whole thing, so am I. Plus, I need to get back to designing my iheartthelaw.com website. I just added a purple and pink flowered wallpaper to it and a kajillion smilies. I think I'm headed UP UP UP.
Warm regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq sorta
My Dearest Ms. Snoogleywoogle:
I am willing to settle the entire matter for one case of Cristal. Please ship directly to my home address. If you act quickly, I will refrain from reporting you to the Bar Association.
Sincerely,
Martha
p.s. Make sure to put a picture of an eagle somewhere on your website. People seem to like that. All of those lawyer tv commercials seem to have eagles on them.
Dear Martha,
I did not know what "Cristal" was, so I looked it up via google. Apparently, you have some real "ghetto-fabulous" taste. I refer you to Exhibit A: "Ghetto fabulous now refers to a style that merges ethnic eccentricities with runway chic. It is inner-city attitude mixed with Milanese glamour. Chanel meets Kangol. Thugs in platinum and diamond rings sipping Cristal champagne. Three-inch-long fingernails painted to match the latest offerings from Dolce & Gabbana."
I'm not sure what this all means, but I'm not about to support your gangstah lifestyle.
See you in court, missy.
Warm regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq
P.S. I'll already be at the courthouse next Friday defending Jay-Z vs All Women for his song "99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One". Hope that works for your schedule.
Dear Ms. Snoogleydoodle:
Are you trying to tell me that my three-inch long acrylics aren't classy? Even though I have pretty pictures airbrushed onto them and a little gold hoop at the tip of my pinkynail?
I am crushed. Crushed. Next thing you know, you're going to be telling me that my hair extensions don't look good just because I couldn't afford the kind that get woven in and I had to settle for the kind that get glued on instead.
You lawyer types can be real bitches, you know?
Yours in ghetto style,
Martha
***I would obviously link Martha, but I CAN'T because my freaking LINKS still AREN'T WORKING even though I've been linking happily for many months now and suddenly I CAN'T anymore even though I've done it EXACTLY RIGHT about 800,000 times and it STILL WON'T WORK and why God, WHY? Ya'll know who Martha is, because you love her and you want to be her when you grow up. Right?
Dear Martha,
Hi, this is Jan's attorney Miss Snooglepants, and I'm here to inform you that Jan has gone on to the big Snarkywood in the sky. Last we can see, she was viewing some Whitney photos that were, I must admit, quite hilarious. We don't know who to feel more sad for -Jan's passing? Or Whitney's passing of sanity.
Warm Regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq
Dear Miss Snooglepants,
I am so sorry to hear of Jan's passing. If she happened to leave anything to me in her will, please let me know.
Sincerely yours,
Martha
Dear Martha,
Thank you for your concern. As a matter of fact, she did leave you something. A lifetime supply of Diet Pepsi and Champagne ("Dom only, bitches!"). Although there is one condition to this inheritance, and that was that YOU were not to be responsible for her death. "If she makes me laugh so hard I DIE, she gets NOTHING."
Well, thems are the breaks.
Warm regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq.
Dear Ms. Snooglepants:
I do believe that the responsibility for Jan's untimely demise lies firmly on one Whitney Houston, batshit crazy superstah, and not one Martha of The Random Muse, who was merely a conduit for photographs of said superstah. If necessary, in order to secure my claim to free caffeine and alcohol, I am willing to go to court to obtain a declaratory judgment to that effect. Am confident that the law is on my side.
Sincerely,
Martha
Dear Martha,
I know not of which you speak in regards to "declaratory judgement", for I received my legal degree on-line, and I didn't download that specific lesson because I was a little too busy playing Free Cell and reading the Onion. So, if you are willing to overlook this whole thing, so am I. Plus, I need to get back to designing my iheartthelaw.com website. I just added a purple and pink flowered wallpaper to it and a kajillion smilies. I think I'm headed UP UP UP.
Warm regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq sorta
My Dearest Ms. Snoogleywoogle:
I am willing to settle the entire matter for one case of Cristal. Please ship directly to my home address. If you act quickly, I will refrain from reporting you to the Bar Association.
Sincerely,
Martha
p.s. Make sure to put a picture of an eagle somewhere on your website. People seem to like that. All of those lawyer tv commercials seem to have eagles on them.
Dear Martha,
I did not know what "Cristal" was, so I looked it up via google. Apparently, you have some real "ghetto-fabulous" taste. I refer you to Exhibit A: "Ghetto fabulous now refers to a style that merges ethnic eccentricities with runway chic. It is inner-city attitude mixed with Milanese glamour. Chanel meets Kangol. Thugs in platinum and diamond rings sipping Cristal champagne. Three-inch-long fingernails painted to match the latest offerings from Dolce & Gabbana."
I'm not sure what this all means, but I'm not about to support your gangstah lifestyle.
See you in court, missy.
Warm regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq
P.S. I'll already be at the courthouse next Friday defending Jay-Z vs All Women for his song "99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One". Hope that works for your schedule.
Dear Ms. Snoogleydoodle:
Are you trying to tell me that my three-inch long acrylics aren't classy? Even though I have pretty pictures airbrushed onto them and a little gold hoop at the tip of my pinkynail?
I am crushed. Crushed. Next thing you know, you're going to be telling me that my hair extensions don't look good just because I couldn't afford the kind that get woven in and I had to settle for the kind that get glued on instead.
You lawyer types can be real bitches, you know?
Yours in ghetto style,
Martha
***I would obviously link Martha, but I CAN'T because my freaking LINKS still AREN'T WORKING even though I've been linking happily for many months now and suddenly I CAN'T anymore even though I've done it EXACTLY RIGHT about 800,000 times and it STILL WON'T WORK and why God, WHY? Ya'll know who Martha is, because you love her and you want to be her when you grow up. Right?
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