Craptacular
There is a shelf in my linen closet which is dedicated to holding all of the strange gifts my mother has given me throughout the years. My friend Katie found it by accident last night, and we had a great time going through each item.
When I was younger, I used to be extremely annoyed at the gifts she'd give me, but over the years I couldn't WAIT to open them to see what crazy shit I was about to be bestowed.
Some examples:
1. A soapdish that you HANG ON YOUR BATHROOM WALL. "Where's the soap? Oh, up here!"
2. A beaded coin purse in the shape of an old lady hat.
3. A Garfield watch (I have to add that I was like TWENTY-something when she gave me this).
4. A framed baby photo of myself - which for a second might be a cute idea, but if you saw this photo (which you never will), you would die from laughter. Of all the cute baby photos I've seen of myself (which are apparently under lock and key), this photo is the most awkward one ever. First of all, I'm about three months old, I have the hugest alien head you ever did see, my arms/hands are in this weird position that makes you think my arms are nothing but stubs and will never grow out in proportion to the rest of my body, and I'm being propped up by someone who's arm is covered by a blanket - yet you can tell there's no way I could sit like that on my own. Oh, and I have that stupid tuft of hair pointed straight up that they loved to do in the sixties with the bow...ala Pebbles. And it's an EIGHT BY TEN. I thought I was going to have to give Katie CPR over that one.
5. Bootie socks that say "foxy" in calligraphy.
6. A mother-daughter figurine reminiscent of Precious Moments, only MUCH MUCH scarier and designed to go in a baby nursery even though she gave it to me for my 33rd birthday.
7. A wooden sign that she obviously got at a craft faire, featuring a cartoon of a woman with a broom that says: "Back off, I have PMS!"
8. A cross-stitch pattern of a bee.
9. And my number one most "interesting" gift, which I opened up at my huge 30th birthday bash - this little gem.
When I was younger, I used to be extremely annoyed at the gifts she'd give me, but over the years I couldn't WAIT to open them to see what crazy shit I was about to be bestowed.
Some examples:
1. A soapdish that you HANG ON YOUR BATHROOM WALL. "Where's the soap? Oh, up here!"
2. A beaded coin purse in the shape of an old lady hat.
3. A Garfield watch (I have to add that I was like TWENTY-something when she gave me this).
4. A framed baby photo of myself - which for a second might be a cute idea, but if you saw this photo (which you never will), you would die from laughter. Of all the cute baby photos I've seen of myself (which are apparently under lock and key), this photo is the most awkward one ever. First of all, I'm about three months old, I have the hugest alien head you ever did see, my arms/hands are in this weird position that makes you think my arms are nothing but stubs and will never grow out in proportion to the rest of my body, and I'm being propped up by someone who's arm is covered by a blanket - yet you can tell there's no way I could sit like that on my own. Oh, and I have that stupid tuft of hair pointed straight up that they loved to do in the sixties with the bow...ala Pebbles. And it's an EIGHT BY TEN. I thought I was going to have to give Katie CPR over that one.
5. Bootie socks that say "foxy" in calligraphy.
6. A mother-daughter figurine reminiscent of Precious Moments, only MUCH MUCH scarier and designed to go in a baby nursery even though she gave it to me for my 33rd birthday.
7. A wooden sign that she obviously got at a craft faire, featuring a cartoon of a woman with a broom that says: "Back off, I have PMS!"
8. A cross-stitch pattern of a bee.
9. And my number one most "interesting" gift, which I opened up at my huge 30th birthday bash - this little gem.
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