Tuesday, November 09, 2004

This post is for "mature audiences".

On Friday evening, I was one of several women attending the craziest thing I have ever been to in my life. I can't tell you what it was actually called, because I don't want a bunch of google hits from it. Although in a couple of minutes I will be using words that will probably generate for me all SORTS of crazy hits. You'll see what I mean.

First off, let me say I had never been to one of these things before. For I am a delicate PROPER woman, as well as a gentle little lamb. Picturing me as a gentle little lamb now? Good.

I sort of knew what I was getting into, when I got the invitation. I was reluctant to go, but then I started receiving several e-mails from other friends who were attending, and I knew if I didn't go I would be forever labeled as The Chicken Shit.

See, this was a gathering in which women would be viewing...all things...sex related.

Do you know how many sex accessories there are in the world? I do, now. A LOT. And honey, there are things for his AND her pleasure. Things you haven't even imagined in your naughtiest of dreams.

Toni and I arrived late, and when we showed up, all the guests were sitting around looking INNOCENT and sipping wine, and listening intently to the sales lady. The hostess pointed the way to the kitchen, where Toni and I immediately poured glasses of wine the size of our heads. And when we came back to the room, and Toni immediately took a seat a safe distance amongst the crowd, I was left to take the last seat available...right next to the sales lady and her table full of sin.

Once I caught my breath and gave Toni the stink eye for making me sit at Hell's Gate, I quickly scanned the table to see that maybe it wasn't so bad after all. There were some interesting looking things on the table, but nothing that I wouldn't actually mind leaving out in plain view in my bedroom. We're talking lotions, books, pretty lingerie, etc.

"Whew," I thought to myself. This just may be a walk in the park after all.

That's when I heard the sales lady say, "So, now it's time to take a short break, and when we come back, I'll bring out the toys."


"And this will also give you a chance to try the lotion in the bathroom."

I looked puzzled, and the woman next to me (who I didn't know) did too and asked, "which lotion again?"

"The (body part that rhymes with DOLORES) stimulator."


I looked across the room at Toni, who was pointing at me and laughing. When she and I had gone to the kitchen to get our wine, I had mentioned I needed to use the bathroom, and would wait until there was a break or something.

I mouthed, "I can hold it."

So, during the break, women made a BEE LINE for the restroom. I awkwardly chatted with my friends and we listened to other people tease those that were in the bathroom. "You've been in there a LONG TIME, SANDRA DEE!"

Oh man.

And then? One of my friends, who I would never picture doing this in a million years, came up to me and Toni with a tub of something in her hand.

"You guys missed the NIPPLE MUNCHERS! Here, try this, it's called FIRECRACKER!" and before I could say 'what the fuck do you mean TRY THIS?!', she SMEARED A HUGE GLOB OF IT ON MY LIPS!

"Your lips are going to start tingling in a minute. You won't BELIEVE how long it lasts!"

That's when I turned to Toni and said, "I hate you."

One of my other friends read aloud from a book, and went on to tell us the nutrition factors of semen. Carb-free! High in vitamin B somethingorother.

I turned to Toni again. "This isn't happening. These aren't my friends. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?"

Women were making over exaggerated screaming noises from the bathroom. My lips were FIRECRACKER hot and tingly.

The wine was flowing pretty well by this time. And thank God is all I can say because I'm not too sure I could take what was next sober.

When it was time to sit down again, I made the smart move of stealing some lady's chair in the back of the room. Sorry, Lady!

And out came the toys. Toys that were turned on to FULL POWER and then passed around the room. And you're supposed to hold them and be all matter-of-fact like, "Ohhh...? Interesting. I wouldn't think of NEON as a natural choice."

And then you have to hold it until the person next to you is done fondling the one currently in her hands. And then you look up to see ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS holding them, inspecting them, and testing the speeds. GOOD GOD.

Can I tell you how surreal it is to be sitting next to someone you've only known in a professional setting, and then have to turn to them and say, "So Susie, how's the job? Oh, and this foot long purple thing is called THE JACK RABBIT!"

Or having to tell the sixty-year-old lady sitting in front of you, "Oh, those are cock rings." AND THEN SHOW HER HOW TO SLIP THEM OVER HER FINGERS. Yes, I did this.

Your friend asks you, while you're holding some sort of pronged and BEADED contraption, if your lips are still tingling. Why yes, thanks for asking!

And then the sales lady announces it's time to place orders! How did this work? Well, she would take you into a private room where you could order your E-Z Pass to Hell with complete discretion. One by one, I watched my friends follow the lady into the room.

I wondered to myself, how does one calmly state, "I'll take the Jack Rabbit. Do you take personal checks?"

Oh, man. To be honest? It was incredibly fun. And funny. I haven't laughed so hard and so much in a long time.

And my lips tingled for a good two and a half hours.

Plus, I went home a hundred bucks poorer.