Thursday, March 23, 2006

Retro post.

For some reason, I get a ton of hits for this old entry that Martha and I wrote nearly two years ago.

I thought I'd re-post it, because nothing says funny like Sporty Jesus.

Martha: Jesus says, "You're eating too much, you little fatties! You'll NEVER make it into a professional ballet corps with that much meat on your bones!"

Me: Jesus teaches the children to look heavenward by holding a basketball just a smidgen out of their reach.

Martha: While the catcher folds his hands in solemn prayer, Jesus wonders whether or not he will get to third base with little Timmy.

Me: Is this two against one? Because with Jesus on the team? Player 21 doesn't have a popsicle's chance in hell.

Martha: Having Jesus as your gymnastics coach is even better than having Bela Karolyi. Mary Lou Retton has got NOTHING on these girls!

Me: Jesus says, "That's right, ease into it, Suzie." And look how damn happy the other kid is to be holding the golf clubs WHILE HIS SISTER IS BEING VIOLATED.

Martha: Jesus says, "Show me 'paint the fence!' Now go wax my car! No mercy!"

Me: Jesus trades in his flip flops for iceskates! And you know player "6" is going down hard, for "6" is an evil number.

Martha: With Jesus on your side, you will not only win the Wimbeldon Cup, but will also learn how to wear it upon your head, much like a crown of thorns!

Me: Jesus is possessed by the Holy Spirit and pushes Suzie off the side of the hill before doing some cool BMX tricks.

Martha: I bet Jesus is ruing the day that he decided to wear his sandals skiing, now isn't he?

Me: Jesus teaches serious cross training by proving he can run track in a robe and flip flops. CAN YOU?

Martha: Jesus imagines Judas Iscariot's face on that soccer ball and gives it a good, swift kick!