Monday, April 25, 2005

LK as CW rocks my world.

Because my Tivo thinks it knows my sense of humor (Oh YEAH, Mr. Smartypants?!), it decided to record this little gem for me. At first, I was going to erase it just because I didn't recognize the show. But at 2:30 in the morning Saturday night, just returning from a late night out, I sat in bed and watched it...and ended up laughing so hard at one of the sketches, I thought I might possibly die.

The host made a hilarious crank call to a restaurant, pretending to be this gentleman.

Oh my God.

So terribly funny.

I've seen it 852 times. Or a dozen. Since you probably won't see it, I took the liberty of transcribing it, because it really is just way too funny. Of course it won't come across as funny without hearing the guy's impersonation - it was dead on. I'll throw it your way, anyway.

(Lance poses as CW's assistant, telling the manager that he'd like her to talk to CW)

Christopher Walken: Hello.

Restaurant Lady: Hello Christopher, this is (name).

CW: It’s Mr. Walken.

RL: Oh, Mr. Walken, I apologize.

CW: Anyways. I’d like to come to your restaurant today if you don’t mind.

RL: Oh, that’d be a pleasure.

CW: Now, what sort of food do you have? Cos a friend of mine told me it was good, but I don’t know.

RL: Uh, what we do serve is…south we-…south we-uhh…southern cuisine?

CW: Why don’t you learn how to speak? Because I didn’t understand what the hell you just said.

RL: I’m sorry…um…

CW: Why don’t you repeat that slowly. Take a breath!

RL: Okay, can I put you on hold for one second please?

CW: Are you serious? You’re gonna put me on hold? For how long?

RL: Just two seconds, I gotta get…

CW: I’m gonna count. Starting now!

RL: Okay…

CW: One thousand one. One thousand two. (time elapsed) One thousand six. One thousand seven.

RL: Thank you for holding, Sir.

CW: That was seven seconds.

RL: I…I apologize Sir, I’m brand new here and I don’t know the menu yet.

CW: Alright, so, here we go. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna come in there, and I’m gonna bring some McDonalds.

RL: You’re gonna bring some McDonalds?

CW: (pause) And I’m gonna eat that McDonalds if I don’t like my food. So, I’m gonna order something, and if I don’t like it, in front of your waiters and your customers, I’m gonna have a Whoppah! And a Big Mac. And then I’m gonna have some fries. And I’m gonna chase it with (pause) a vanilla SHAKE.

RL: Sir, would you like me to give you an idea of what kind of entrees we have?

CW: Sure, why not? That would be nice.

RL: Sure, we have duck leg (inaudible)...

CW: Duck leg?! No thanks, already.

RL: Okay, we have filet of beef?

CW: Filet of beef? You can put that filet in my ass.

RL: Okay, seared salmon filet?

CW: Nope!

RL: And…farm raised bison?

CW: Oh, hell no!

RL: How about salads, do you enjoy salads?

CW: Do I look like a cow? No, I don’t enjoy salads. Like I said, I’m gonna bring some rock shrimp and a Whoppah, alright, and we’ll see what happens. Thank you very much.

You must watch this show. MUST!