This morning, in my front yard.

Me: lala, what a gorgeous day. Oh, neat. A butterfly. I've never seen one that color...or that shape...

Bug: GOOD MORNING. I AM NOT A BUTTERFLY, I'M A BEETLE AND I'D LIKE TO JUMP UP INTO YOUR FACE!

Me: SCREAM

Bug: YEAH, THAT'S GOOD, BABY! LET ME GET ALL TANGLED UP IN YOUR HAIR! I LOVE CURLS!

Me: WHAT THE FUCK!

Bug: YOU CAN TRY SHAKING YOUR HEAD ALL OVER THE PLACE, BUT I AM HERE TO STAY!

Me: GOOD GOD!

Bug: NICE TRY LADY, BUT NOW I'LL JUST WALK AROUND YOUR NECK!

Me: Ewwwww aaaahhhhh iieeieeeeee

Bug: SUCH A GIRLIE SCREAM!!! AHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: *flick*

Bug: NOW I'M ON YOUR BOOB! YES, NOW WE'RE TALKING - HOT FRIDAY MORNING ACTION!

Me: *light headed* *flick*

Bug: YES, FLICK ME TO YOUR WINDSHIELD, I SHALL GO PLACES WITH YOU. YOU ARE MINE NOW.

Me: Good morning! *waves to passerby who stares at me and then mumbles quietly into his cell phone*

I heard the word "tantrum".

OLD!

While getting a manicure today, I shifted through my purse with one hand and pulled out a very small, ornate, round pill box.

"Ooohh, what is that?" my manicurist asked.

"Oh, it's just a little pill box. I need my allergy medicine."

"It's so cute!"

"Really? I don't know, it's gold and...ornate...a bit fancy. Gaudy. And it's a PILL BOX. I never thought I'd need a PILL BOX. I feel like an OLD LADY!"

...and with that I followed my manicurist's gaze to the lady sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME who had to be pushing 80. The manicurist let out a little "AH!", and the old lady gave me a dirty "meh" look. Sorry!

How can we save Amy?

Google search leading to this page: Amy Brady find Jesus.

Yes, Amy, FIND HIM. C'mon!

Poor Amy.

Today I had to have a totally serious conversation with a woman who wore Bono-inspired sunglasses the entire time. You know what I'm talking about. And she's like 50? But wait, so is Bono? Anyway, it was a sight to behold and I nearly died from trying not to laugh.

I love this so much, I cannot explain.