Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Clickety click, everyone gets something.

Linky goodness!

In follow up to yesterday's post, I made this little cartoon. It only set me back about a half hour! Enjoy!

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

Like to drool over yummy recipes and food prep? So do I, and here's a new favorite place to do so.

AND I'm doing extensive research to find a video that KILLED me over the weekend, but no one seems to remember where it was! If I don't die from eye strain and frustration, it will be worth it.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Blue sky holiday.

Only American Idol viewers will get this.

On Saturday I was at brunch with some friends, and that song they always play during the "let's review your journey" portion of American Idol, when a contestant gets voted off, was playing overhead.

One of my friends complained that whenever she hears that song now she pictures everything in slow-mo video-clip style. This prompted us to suggest that that song be played whenever there is a mishap or awkward moment. Lots of suggestions came forward, like how exactly TWO MINUTES LATER a little girl at the table next to us poured an entire glass of orange juice down the front of her dress - both of us instantly sang, "'cause you had a bad day...you're taking one down..."

It was very funny to us.

And then for the rest of the weekend? I couldn't help but put it into further action.

Woman one pump over at the gas station's card is denied: "Where is the moment we need at the most?"

A very, very, VERY drunk guy at a party I attended Saturday night came up to me and said, "Let's make love."

My girlfriend and I exchanged looks, tried not to laugh, and my friend looked back at him and asked, "How about she kicks you in the nuts instead?"

And then I imagined me kicking him in the nuts in slow-mo, his body slowly convulsing and then slumping to the floor: "'cause you had a bad day...you're taking one down..."

Last night I arrived late to a friend's birthday party, JUST as she blew out the candles on her cake and everyone just stared at me like, "Nice timing, there."

"Sometimes the system goes on the blink, and the whole thing turns out wrong..."

Try it, it fits everywhere.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Special delivery.

Friend: Did you hear that Other Friend is pregnant??

Me: Wow, that's great. Hey, doesn't her husband work for (this company)?

Friend: Yes.

Me: Well, now we know what brown can do for you.

Of puppies and Maverick

Last weekend I gave my six year old niece a tiny stuffed puppy, that when you squeeze it, makes a cute little barking noise (I love you, Target Dollar Spot!) She loves loves loves it. Like A LOT. No need for me to have spent around a hundred bones on her ACTUAL birthday gifts and almost TWO hundred bones on her birthday party, oh no...it's all about the stuffed puppy (who, by the way, together we named Dude). How funny is it to watch her shove her stuffed puppy into someone's face and demand, "Say hello to DUDE." Very funny. "Can Dude take a bath with me?" - a little creepy. But still funny! Anyway, lesson learned - I will buy ALL of her birthday presents from the Dollar Spot until she's 18.

I bring up this puppy, because I spent A LOT of time with it over the last week or so, sooo much so that I even dreamed about it:

I was in a coffee shop, and was trying to remember the coffee orders for six people, and while I was going over them in my head, I was also going around to each person in the shop and asking them to look at the puppy. And did they know it barked? It barks. Hold it. Now squeeze it. Cute, huh? And then off to the next person. And oddly enough, no one was annoyed. They all loved Dude. He was very popular.

SO popular, that in the NEXT part of my dream (no transition, nothing just BOOM, I'm somewhere else), I'm standing in the Costco parking lot and Mr. TOM CRUISE* asked if he could KEEP Dude. He was holding him, and had already fashioned him as a KEY CHAIN, and he was trying to hook it to his BELT.

I stared at him for a minute and then asked, "Why?"

He looked all solemn. "I just. I just, love it. SO MUCH."

"It's my niece's?"

"Can you get her another one?"

"Can't YOU go buy one if you want it so badly?"

And that pissed Mr. Tom Cruise right off and and he goes, "I'm trying to make a movie here!"

With that, he hopped onto a motorcycle, Dude dangling from his belt, and shouted out to some Director type that suddenly appeared (in the Costco parking lot) "Get a close up of the puppy on my belt!"

All of a sudden a MAKE UP team came over and fussed and fussed over Dude (hanging off Mr. Tom Cruise's belt) and his little plushness. Powder! Blush!

But my favorite part? They added a little glittery TEAR DROP under Dude's eye.

And Mr. Tom Cruise, sitting on his motorcycle, leaned back a little, folded his arms across his chest, and with a wide, satisfied smile said, "This is going to be SO GOOD."

Horrified, I woke up. And my first thought was that I needed to call my niece: "Keep Dude away from Mr. Tom Cruise!"

*The entire dream, everytime I looked at him I thought, "Mr. Tom Cruise". I'm a lady, apparently.

Other celebrity dreams can be found: here and here.

Monday, April 03, 2006


Okay, I'm done being all pissy and whatnot.

There are a lot of things going on in my personal life that cause me to be...on...the...edge...at all times! It's fun, really. And it results in me getting pissy when really there is no need, because things like a dumb space to write silly things is really so small in the grand scheme of things, and wow aren't I brilliant with that realization.

Also, my cleaning lady was reading, and guess what? She is no longer my cleaning lady.


What's it called when someone QUITS after reading your blog? Is it somewhere along the lines of being Dooced? "And then I New Jan Brady-ed on her ass and was out of there!"

But, you KNOW she laughed at the Jesus figurines. She totally did.

I'd love to tell you about how it all came about, but it's neither here nor there, and it's all very silly. She's also moving out of state, so there's that. AND I wrote her a letter of recommendation. Because I felt bad. And I had to do SOMETHING in return for her making my red retro toaster look BRAND NEW.