Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Bubble, officially burst. Bursted?

I'm back. And with a cold! So you get me AND snot, no extra charge.

Queen Bee T is now officially married. The nuptuals were amazing, and breathtaking, and full of tears of joy. And some serious partying.

Of course the last two weeks went by in a huge blur of mai tais, pina coladas, other tropical drinks served in whole pineapples, sun, sand (everywhere!), palm trees, being pampered by a woman who used to be a guy, you know - the usual vacation fare. It was all very lovely. I'm a bit sad to be home already, but in another sense I was ready to return to the real world.

Plus, I had FINALLY gotten down saying "aloha" rather than hello. And that my friends was my biggest challenge on vacation.


Hawaiian: Aloha!
Me: Hello!
Hawaiian gives disapproving frown.

Hawaiian: Aloha!
Me: Mahalo!
Hawaiian sighs: That's 'thank you'.

Hawaiian: Aloha!
Me: Helloha!
Hawaiian looks confused.

DAY TEN (last day):
Hawaiian: Aloha!
Me: ALOHA! That's RIGHT! Alooooohhhhhh-HAAAAAAA! You can mahalo me later!
Hawaiian: Get the hell out of here.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

One very tired Jan Brady is on vacation.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

T celebrates the last days of singleness

The party was awesome! That's all I can really say when people ask me.

T came over TWO HOURS EARLY. You know what that means, right?

T: Let's open some wine.

Me: Um, people aren't coming for TWO HOURS.

T: We'll SIP!

Me: Right. Because we totally have to pace ourselves.

T: Agreed!

*clink of glasses*

7:00 people are showing up, we are laying on the family room floor watching a taped episode of South Park, rolling empty bottle of wine between us. Romantic!

Before we left for dinner, I placed a cute little tiara with a wee veil in the back on T's head. This? Was a GOLD PASS TO FREE EVERYTHING.

AT dinner we had no less than eight guys send over free drinks to Miss T. Which she quickly slid over to other people because we had pitchers of margaritas that just kept coming, and coming, and coming.

I had asked our waiter to embarrass the shit out of T, but the only song they knew how to do at Octave Level 20 was some birthday song. Which was hilarious and also scared the shit out of her, and there was much laughing in the entire restaurant. Why? Because at the end, T stood up and yelled, "I'm getting MARRIED, bitches!"

Are you sensing why she's my best friend?

Adventure continues later today....

Friday, May 06, 2005

She's a LADY.

Clients aren't going to ask me for lunch meetings anymore.

On Wednesday I was having Chinese food with one, was preparing to take my first sip of hot and sour soup (love!), and he said something funny at that exact moment, causing me to slurp-cough-SPIT soup in his direction. Classy!

Yesterday it was Persian food, and after a lovely LOVELY meal, I noticed as I got out into the parking lot that I had SAFFRON all over my WHITE shirt in the BOOBIES AREA. Needless to say, my boobs was WANTING some of my rainbow trout. They'll try ANYTHING!

Tonight! Is Queen Bee T's bachelorette-how-I-hate-that-fucking-word party! Seventeen ladies. Pacific coast? You've been WARNED.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


One of the benefits of working from home is that I can do household tasks like running the dishwasher and laundry.

Except just now I tried to stuff a load of whites into the dishwasher.

Monday, May 02, 2005

A lot.


On Friday I was running a whole bunch of errands in a very disorganized fashion. Normally I save up many errands to be one big trip, but that day I was so frazzled I ended up having to come back to home office TWICE to pick up things I had forgotten.

I needed to visit the ATMs of both my personal bank and my business bank. Inconvenient, yes, but I don't like having all my eggs in one basket, if you know what I mean.

I rolled up to the personal bank ATM, put in my card all fast, and was PISSED when the menu screen came up and there wasn't an option for 'deposit'. What the hell? Asked for card back, did it again. No deposit option. CHRIST! I huffily yanked my card back out, and marched into the branch, where there was a line the size of The Nerds waiting for Star Wars to open.

I immediately turned into one of Those Women. The one who can't stand in line for longer than ten seconds. I made those annoying sighs, I rolled my eyes, and I gave the construction worker with no shirt on (and no business being shirtless) the stank eye just for being two people ahead of me). I wouldn't even crack a smile at the baby in front of me because SHE WAS IN FRONT OF ME.

I finally made it to the tellar and That Woman came out and said all snotty, "Yeah, there's something wrong with your ATM machine. It's not giving the 'deposit' option. I slammed down my card on the counter and looked at her like, "WELL?".

She just stared back at me. "Really?"

Impatiently I responded, "YES REALLY."

"And you...used this card?" holds it up.

GAH! "YES!" In my head I'm thinking, "Duh, hello, welcome to Teller 101, that is an ATM card..."

"...because this isn't our bank."


As I'm ripping open my sealed ATM deposit envelope to just do the damn deposit right there after getting the smackdown, I notice that she's really really pale and she lets out this little shaky sigh.

I'm apologizing for being an ass, and she cuts me off by saying she's not feeling well - her lunch isn't agreeing with her.

Before I can even sympathize, her head quickly disappears under the counter and I hear...the heave. She was throwing up. Right there!

An old lady being helped at the next window screamed.

Everyone looked at me like WHAT DID YOU DO?

"I...brought in...the wrong...ATM CARD...sorry...?"


Queen Bee T the Bride has sent me a million pieces of correspondence, regarding her wedding in Hawaii this month. I am dumb. Instead of booking my ass in the hotel where the wedding party is staying? I am staying at the ULTRA SWANK place where the WEDDING is taking place! And I didn't discover this until yesterday. Not even her FAMILY is staying at the swanky place. They are teasing me like crazy. "Oh, are you too good to stay at the regular hotel?" "You can't be bothered with having to drive to the wedding?" I was wondering why the bill was outrageous. GO ME!


I spent a good THREE HOURS Friday morning cleaning out drawers and cupboards and the like and packing up 2 huge boxes of stuff that my friend was going to sell at her garage sale over the weekend. I had no idea what to mark my shit up for, so I just gave her a list of the stuff with 'idea' prices and told her to just sticker it anyway she wanted, and to feel free to give in to hagglers, because I just wanted that shit GONE. Here's a funny conversation she had with some old lady:

Old Lady hands Friend a dime: I'll take this here purse.

Friend: Um, it's not ten cents, it's ten dollars.


Friend points out label: See, ma'am, it's a Coach bag.

Old Lady: I don't care if it's GLORIA VANDERBILT (ha!!!), it ain't TEN DOLLARS!

Friend: But it's small? And I don't think it's ever been used?


When Friend wouldn't give it to her for a dime, she said some cuss words in Spanish. Now Friend is terrified that her ears or something are going to fall off.

I love the crazy old ladies.

Also, Friend returned with both boxes FULL and I only made $10. Apparently, my shit DOES stink.


I bowled two games last night. My highest score? 56! Haaaaa! I love beer.


Vacation is coming, not soon enough. Because I don't get fancy paid vacations as a business owner, and work comes to a HALT when I'm gone, I'm scrambling like a madwoman to do a billion things before I bust on out of here. I wrote my to-do list of everything I need to do before I can leave, and immediately cried.

The upshot is, it will be SO WORTH IT!