Tuesday, September 20, 2005

It's my car, I'll listen to what I want. Thank you!

A nice lady named Holly e-mailed me to refer me to this article, proving that I may just be right for once in my live-long life.

So, recently, my car has really been the venue for some interesting conversations, starting with the middle finger thing and all. Last night it was all about Mr. Tommy Lee and why I own his album. Because...I DO! (Good one!?)

It was playing quietly in the background while we were chatting away, Tommy was minding his own business and doing his own Tommy thing, only to have my girlfriend ask, "Uh, who is this we're listening to?"

(Turning head away, mumbling under breath): Tommy...*cough*...Lee?


Of course I matched her volume: YES, I'M SERIOUS. He's a legend. And he sounds all...cute? Nice? I can sometimes understand his lyrics?

Her: You have sold out, sister.

Me: I know.

Her: Tommy Lee. What's his album called?

Me: Tommyland?

And then we both died laughing.

I turned it up. "See, it's...good? Good!"

She started mumbling things...imitating his signing...exaggerating a bit much.

I stroked my stereo. "Don't listen to her, Tommy. She doesn't KNOW. Keep singing, brother."

It's Tommy FREAKING LEE. And hello, I'm 13 again. Just like THAT!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

It's not a willie?

Me: This woman in front of me is killing me. She has no idea what she's doing. She's going like forty on the freeway.

Him: Idiot.

(Passing her)

Him: Flip her off! FLIP HER OFF!

Me: What? Flip her off? No.

Him: Why not?

Me: #1, I could get killed. You don't flip off around here. #2, what the hell is the big deal with showing someone your middle finger? "oooo, look I can make my finger look like a penis and balls! I'm TOUGH."

(Awkward silence)

Me: What?

Him: Make your finger look like a penis and balls?

Me: Isn't that the whole "f-you" message by giving the finger? Middle finger up, fingers on sides down? Looks like a...?

Him: (trying not to laugh) Um, no....you see there was this war, between the English and the French...and the French used to cut off the middle fingers of the English so they couldn't draw a bow...and the English used to show off to the French that their fingers weren't cut off in battle.

Me: You are so making that up. (Flipping bird) DICK! BALLS!

Him: It's true! Also, those are some weird looking balls.

Friday, September 09, 2005

But I was thirsty?

Today I visited an establishment where you purchase gifts for women who are about to bear another person into this world. I was half-ass zipping in, crumpled wish list in hand, hurry hurry hurry I need to be two other places RIGHT NOW.

Standing in line waiting for someone to ring me up, I noticed a little sign near the cash register. It said:

"Shopping from a registry? If we forget to ask you, enjoy a beverage on us."

This is how my lame brain interpreted it.

"Hmmm. That's pretty neat that you get something to drink just for shopping off a registry."

"I didn't see anyone sipping anything in the aisles?"

"Maybe they give you something to drink on your way home?"

"That would be nice."

"I'm sorta parched."

When I got up to the check-out lady I said, "I shopped from a registry, so I guess I get a beverage?"

The lady tilted her head and looked at me. "But, I didn't get a chance to ask you yet, Ma'am."

"Well," I say, setting my purse on the counter, "I'll just take what you have. What are my choices?"


"Ma'am? We only give you a coupon for a drink...if we forget to ask you if you're shopping from a registry...so that we can take your item off the recipient's list...it's sort of a reminder thing?"


"Ohhh...." I stammer.

She looks at the registry, takes the item off my list, and I can see she's trying to keep her shit together, her jaw has clenched, and her hand is shaking while holding the zapper thing.

"You can laugh if you want."

She lets out a huge, relieved laugh. "Ma'am, that was just the cutest thing. I'm going to give you a coupon just for making my day."

"Excellent. But I can't drink a coupon, now can I? I'm thirsty!"

"You really pictured people walking around, holding lists, sipping on drinks, didn't you?"

"Lattes, to be exact."