Sunday, October 22, 2006

I'm about to write a whole bunch of words.

I've decided to participate in this. Which means writing to this thing every day in November. Every day. We shall see...

I need to learn how to upload the button onto my page, which is cracking me up. I don't even know how to do stuff like that! It's going to be a great month!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

God Bless You...and, Ew.

I was on a conference call this morning, minding my own beeswax, listening and nodding, wondering to myself if one of the callers was actually SNORING...when...all of a sudden...I sneezed AND BURPED at the same time. Well, not quite at the same time, I sneezed and THEN burped not even one half second later. And it all hit me out of nowhere and I had no time to reach for the mute button. What causes a burp to happen after a sneeze? This I don't know.

And instead of being grossed out or PHASED that this just happened, one female caller asked, "WHO'S SNORING!!!?". While I have invisioned taking a nappie during a conference call on more than one occasion, I can't believe someone actually did it.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Why not just write: "Thanks for a lovely time!"?

This weekend I got 3-days of R&R, much needed I might add. It was quite delightful. I was also super proud of myself for planning a get-away in a location in which I could witness the beginning of the season change. Fall is by far my favorite season, and it usually goes by in a blink and I never really get to experienceit. So, Fall 2006 experienced! Or, if we're going to be all technical, Something Resembling Fall 2006 experienced! Now with more mini pumpkins!

One of my absolute favorite things about where I stayed,(aside from the black widow in my room! Just in time for Halloween?), was that there was a journal for guests to write about their experience in the suite. Because I'm nosey, I quickly swooped it up to read from while soaking in my giant jacuzzi tub the first night.

The book started with New Year's 2001, and it started out sorta boring with the standard "what a lovely suite!" written in several variations for the first few pages.

And then it turned into something of a novel competition. People from all over the world were suddenly Jack Kerouac, roaming the lands and telling their stories.

I went from laughing, to squirming.

Here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

"Marriages have seasons. We were in a hurricane season. The healing force of this suite has healed us." - That needs to go straight to their marketing brochure, I suggest.

(The suite had a stereo system that only played CDs): "The radio doesn't work, but thank God we had Rod Stewart."

"After a day of wine tasting, we enjoyed feeding the stray cat in the parking lot."

"My weary travels have brought me here to your wonderful establishment, in which I spent the weekend in a blissful stupor. The roads are long and traveled, and I consider myself enchanted."

But THIS ONE took the cake...

"I drew a bath for my Love, but she said it was 'too hot', so we went across the street for dinner. When we came back, we checked the tub and it was perfect. I opened the champagne, and as I opened it, the words that I could no longer keep inside came pouring out and I told her everything I needed to. Risking my heart, for the sake of her love for eternity. I was glad I did it. I felt so (crossed out 'magical') alive."

And then there are maybe four or five lines CROSSED OUT (which looks like the suite OWNERS edited out! HA!), but from what I could make out of it...a certain LOVE showed her APPRECIATION in....THE TUB...(that's when I pulled the drain of the tub and jumped the hell out of there), and then something about needing a nap, doing it AGAIN (again with the word appreciation), and then BACK IN THE TUB. Thank you for sharing!

I wanted to take the book home with me. I also wanted to join in the competition and make some sort of spoof entry, but the suite owners are friends of mine, and I didn't want to scare the shit out of them. For my crazy entry would have involved eating fire and wrestling with a black widow. And SOMEBODY (anybody!) showing appreciation!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Fragile Cargo

This morning I did a favor for a friend: I drove her daughter to school.

What should have been a simple little errand, turned into a big ordeal for me, thanks to my stressy self.

Things I did:

Got up at 6:00 a.m. (after going to bed around 2 a.m.), and went out and vaccumed my whole damn car.

Tested and re-tested all of the seat belts in the back seat (my car is only a year old).

Made myself a mental checklist of all of the things we'd talk about. On the fifteen minute drive. When I realized how lame that was, I felt all Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets when he loads up his car with a library of CDs for different road trip situations "Emergency" "When it's too quiet".

Music! After realizing she probably didn't want to hear disco music, I decided we'd have NO music. Which means? Talking! What do second graders talk about these days?

Made her a little treat bag. Candy! Don't tell your Mom!

Arrived at her house 20 minutes early because I was afraid I'd get her to school late. This ended up just making us nearly late because I was invited to take a tour of her bedroom, and I got a little too into her little vanity table. Tiny brush! Tiny mirror!

When we pulled into the school parking lot, I asked if I should walk her to her class. "Do Moms do that?"

Her response: "Yes. When the kid is in kindergarten."

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Grow some.

A person who has known me for MANY years recently commented upon seeing me, "Huh. I always think you're taller."


"Whenever I picture you in my head, you're like, way tall."

"I'm 5'7", and have always been, since you've known me...and seen me...frequently...over the last hundred years."

"Yeah, but in my head you're maybe six feet tall?"

What the hell does one say to that? I'm sorry I don't meet your dillusional expectations? I'm sorry I'm my actual height? I'm sorry my height disappoints! I'm sorry it doesn't fluctuate!

These are the things I think about late at night as I'm drifting off to sleep.*

In other news, I'm going to hit up this space more often. Apparently my friends don't like e-mail, they'd rather read my misadventures under a 70's television character persona. And imagine that I am Jan Brady? An eight foot tall Jan Brady?

*Other things that I think about, or should I say scare the living shit out of me RIGHT when I'm drifting off to sleep:

That woman who peeks around the corner and yells, "Are you HONNNNNGRY?" in that damn cereal commercial.