Monday, April 25, 2005

LK as CW rocks my world.

Because my Tivo thinks it knows my sense of humor (Oh YEAH, Mr. Smartypants?!), it decided to record this little gem for me. At first, I was going to erase it just because I didn't recognize the show. But at 2:30 in the morning Saturday night, just returning from a late night out, I sat in bed and watched it...and ended up laughing so hard at one of the sketches, I thought I might possibly die.

The host made a hilarious crank call to a restaurant, pretending to be this gentleman.

Oh my God.

So terribly funny.

I've seen it 852 times. Or a dozen. Since you probably won't see it, I took the liberty of transcribing it, because it really is just way too funny. Of course it won't come across as funny without hearing the guy's impersonation - it was dead on. I'll throw it your way, anyway.

(Lance poses as CW's assistant, telling the manager that he'd like her to talk to CW)

Christopher Walken: Hello.

Restaurant Lady: Hello Christopher, this is (name).

CW: It’s Mr. Walken.

RL: Oh, Mr. Walken, I apologize.

CW: Anyways. I’d like to come to your restaurant today if you don’t mind.

RL: Oh, that’d be a pleasure.

CW: Now, what sort of food do you have? Cos a friend of mine told me it was good, but I don’t know.

RL: Uh, what we do serve is…south we-…south we-uhh…southern cuisine?

CW: Why don’t you learn how to speak? Because I didn’t understand what the hell you just said.

RL: I’m sorry…um…

CW: Why don’t you repeat that slowly. Take a breath!

RL: Okay, can I put you on hold for one second please?

CW: Are you serious? You’re gonna put me on hold? For how long?

RL: Just two seconds, I gotta get…

CW: I’m gonna count. Starting now!

RL: Okay…

CW: One thousand one. One thousand two. (time elapsed) One thousand six. One thousand seven.

RL: Thank you for holding, Sir.

CW: That was seven seconds.

RL: I…I apologize Sir, I’m brand new here and I don’t know the menu yet.

CW: Alright, so, here we go. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna come in there, and I’m gonna bring some McDonalds.

RL: You’re gonna bring some McDonalds?

CW: (pause) And I’m gonna eat that McDonalds if I don’t like my food. So, I’m gonna order something, and if I don’t like it, in front of your waiters and your customers, I’m gonna have a Whoppah! And a Big Mac. And then I’m gonna have some fries. And I’m gonna chase it with (pause) a vanilla SHAKE.

RL: Sir, would you like me to give you an idea of what kind of entrees we have?

CW: Sure, why not? That would be nice.

RL: Sure, we have duck leg (inaudible)...

CW: Duck leg?! No thanks, already.

RL: Okay, we have filet of beef?

CW: Filet of beef? You can put that filet in my ass.

RL: Okay, seared salmon filet?

CW: Nope!

RL: And…farm raised bison?

CW: Oh, hell no!

RL: How about salads, do you enjoy salads?

CW: Do I look like a cow? No, I don’t enjoy salads. Like I said, I’m gonna bring some rock shrimp and a Whoppah, alright, and we’ll see what happens. Thank you very much.

You must watch this show. MUST!

Friday, April 22, 2005

The shower for Queen Bee T was awesome. Awe to the some! Her bachelorette party is going to rock even harder. (You can only rock so hard with her mom and 88 year-old grandmother in your presence). I lie, T's Mom is so awesome. For instance, when T was opening her presents she got these HUGE wine goblets. T said to the crowd, "Oh these are for when L comes over!" Haha. T's Mom comes back with, "No, those are too small." Awesome.

Speaking of awesome, I need to stop saying that word. Good bye, 1985! It's not cool lingo for the clients:

"Here's the signed contract..."

I was going to give more updates, but I've just been asked to lunch.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Quiet in these here parts.

How Jan got her groove back: 2 new huge contracts!

One is a partnership I've been trying to set up for almost a year now. A YEAR. And on Wednesday it finally got inked. This is going to be yooge for my business.

The other is a one year contract that will keep me so so very busy. Of course it had to come at the same time as the partnership which is going to send so much work my way I won't be able to see straight, but you just can't say no to this kind of thing. Not if you want to grow. Which, yes please!

This means no goofing off for me. I will be swimming in work and fun and to-do lists the size of Paris Hilton's ego.

It's funny how things can change in an instant. Even though I knew these things were a possiblity for a while now, I didn't know I'd be so very excited when they came to happen. We're talking uppers-like* excited. Like, my brain is going a mile a minute, and so is the rest of me. It feels real good. REAL good.

*I don't know what uppers are like. I think you're just 'up'? And excited? I don't know...because I just say no to drugs. I believe in hugs, not drugs.

Monday, April 04, 2005


It seems I've misplaced my focus. My brain is all wonky and has been for a few days now. I have stack upon stacks of things to take care of on my desk, things to do, places to go, people to see. Yet the soundtrack in my brain is the beginning of "24"...blip blip blip...blipblipblip....yet nothing ever comes after all the blips.

So instead of sitting here pretending to catch up, I've ordered a boatload of sushi and I'm sipping a glass of wine. Knowing that it will all be here tomorrow is just fine with me. Yet, something needs to give. I need some clarity. Focus. Motivation?

There were about a billion butterflies flying around my neighborhood today. One of the joys of working from home is staring at my neighborhood all day. The butterflies, they knew where they were headed. I was jealous. I'll bet this guy would have loved The Butterfly Show as well.

Friday, April 01, 2005

An example of my dumbness.

My neighbors, my stalkers, ANYONE could have gone ahead and taken my car out for a nice joyride today.

I was outside earlier this morning unloading my car from a job last night, and just realized THREE HOURS LATER that I had left my keys laying on the hood.

I also played a most awesome prank on someone this morning, but I shall divulge the details later, as I may try it out on some other unsuspecting lovelies later today.