Friday, December 30, 2005

Yeah. Happy new year. GOD!

I have come to this space to vent. I'm using this space as if it were a couch cushion I can scream into. Stand back, please.

I'm READY for the HOLIDAYS to be OVER, please and thank you!

Perhaps it's that the nature of my career is that I am forced to start holiday speak around AUGUST, so now it's just a tad OLD. But seriously, I am one spinach dip away from losing my shit.

I have attended NINETEEN holiday related activities. That's a lot. AND I still have dinner out tonight, TWO parties tomorrow night and freaking BRUNCH on Sunday.

My holiday cheer cup runneth over. Pass the poison.

Wow, I'm feeling better already.

I'm grumpy anyway for a bunch of reasons. One, I somehow managed to stab the shit out of my lower left gumline in a tragic Twizzler feeding during a rousing (snore) game of Monopoly last night and now it's swollen and although no one would know this if I didn't MENTION IT TO EVERYONE TODAY, I feel as if I need to because I'm feeling all Marlon Brando puffy cheek.

And it's raining. AGAIN. As in ALL THE TIME. My merry mood was probably thwarted when for the first time ever I decided to put out some damn lighted reindeers and Christmas trees on my front lawn earlier this month...only for them to be lit ONCE and then promptly shorted out. Oh and that once? One of the bulbs in one of the grazing reindeers' heads was BURNED OUT (which caused the whole HEAD to be burned out) so I'm sure I scared my whole neighborhood for that one night when they could drive by and see a lit up DECAPITATED reindeer! But the other one was facing him, still "grazing", all lovingly so maybe I actually set a good example like, "if you lose your head in a fucked up grazing accident, true love will prevail and if you're with the right person/reindeer, they'll stick by you no matter what".

So. Here I sit, sipping a glass of wine (and NOT enjoying it! Defiance!), listening to the wind and rain beat the hell out of my office window and trying to tell myself, 'suck it up' and that I can make it out in the rain and wind and enjoy my friends for one more weekend. I can!

What is WRONG with me?

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Name that tune.

I have a very weird habit when I'm stressed.

I sing, or rather belt out my actions. Huge stress reliever. Only thing is, I tend to lean towards Cher style. I don't know why that is - I'm not particularly a Cher fan, but I can actually do a good impression and it's sort of more satisfying to belt out.

When I say I sing my actions, I mean, when alone in the house with my mind racing and calculating all of the things I need to get done, I do actually sing them outloud as my brain is processing them. Part of today's singy-song was:


"Fucking BROWNIES are DOOOOONNNNNNE NOOOOWWWWW! Hope everybody LIIIIIIIkes them!!!!"

"Where are my DAMN KEEEEEEEYYYYS????"

It's an odd little habit, yet it keeps me entertained and again, I release a lot of built up stress.

An hour or so ago I was heading out to have a smoke (I KNOW) when standing on the inside of my front door I sang, "Neeeeed to put my SHHHOOOOOEEESSSS ONNNNN!" to which I echoed myself in Opera Style: "Neeeed to put my SHHHHOOOOOOEEESSSS ONNNNN" at a piercing level.

Two seconds later?

On the other side of the door I heard a man's voice horribly sing, "Neeeed to answer the door for the BUUUUUUG GUUUUUUUYYYYYYY!"

You know what?

For half a second I considered echoing him in Opera Style.

Or pee my pants in embarrassment.

I answered the door instead and we had a good laugh and I sent him home with a brownie.

Monday, December 12, 2005

I live like a slob, apparently.

A little over year ago I was at the end of my rope with my cleaning lady.

I have a new one now.

And she's driving me CRAZY.

Every single task she does, I hear "UGH! UHHHH! MMMMPHHHH!" like she's being tortured by cleaning my house.

My house is not a pig stye! It's actually quite neat! She's getting paid THREE TIMES MORE than my previous lady. It's HER JOB. And yet, she is making me a bumbly ball of guilt ridden apologies..."Oh, I'm sorry there's dust there!" "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't put the remote away!" "I'm sorry my kitchen cabinet is tall and you have to stand on your toes for a second!"

God forbid I step out of my office for a second to get a drink. I then get the rundown of everything she's had to do.

"You had a (takes deep breath) pen on the kitchen counter. I put it...." (motions for me to follow her)" (opens a drawer) Uh, okay!