Sunday, July 15, 2007

A what?

I treated my six-year-old niece to her first manicure yesterday. When my manicurist asked what shape I wanted my nails, and then proceeded to suggest square before I could even open my mouth, I tried to delicately tell her I didn't want that shape. I then searched for an alternative word for "hooker", knowing that Miss Inquisitive would ask what that meant. So I said, "lady of the night". My niece whipped her head around beamed widely, and exclaimed, "Hey...that's ME!"

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Angry heat.

Ah, summer. You are the least of my favorite seasons...for the sole purpose that you make me look a little less...with it.

Last night I attended a shin-dig that was in my honor, and it was seriously hotter than balls. Not only was it unforgivingly hot outside, but the venue of this thing was packed with sweaty bodies and it never cooled down, and I thought I was going to....die.

I'm not one of those ladies who looks awesome when it's hot outside. I tend to get a little more than a little sweaty, and while it looks like a nice "glow" on some ladies, for me it looks like someone needs to hose me down...and stat.

I'm sure I looked like all first-class as I stood on stage to do my ten-minute spiel, while holding my hair up on top of my head and silently praying for death. Someone took pity on me and ran up and handed me a pony-tail holder. Which, I then proceeded to pony-tail up my hair in front of 75 people. To be fair though, every single person in the audience was fanning themselves in a "my stars, it's WARM this evening" sorta way.

It's going to be a long summer.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Oh, Pink. You're so clever.

In an office building - California, USA:

Woman: (sitting at her desk, sorta bopping her head around to the music coming out of her computer) lala...take your drink, just give me the's just you and your HEAD tonight!

Me: (watching in amazement)

Woman: (closing her eyes, tilting her head back and singing all authoratively) ....(words, words, words)...take your drink, just give me the's just you and your HEAD tonight!

Me: Hmmm.

Woman: (notices me watching her) What?

Me: "You and your HEAD tonight"? Really?

Woman: Why, is that wrong?

Me: Yes. It's "you and your HAND tonight"

Woman: (mouths "you and your HAND tonight").

Me: See?

Woman: But? That just doesn't make sense. Why is it just him and his hand?

Me: (Oh my God)

(giving her some time to think about it)

Woman: I don't get it, really!

Me: I think what Pink is trying to say here is...see this guy is picking up on her...and she's saying to keep the drink, just give her the money...and that he's...just going to end up...alone...with his hand...?

Woman: Head I can understand - alone with his thoughts...

Me: (Oh my GOD!)

Woman But his HAND?

(giving her more time to think about it...wanting to stab myself with a letter opener)

Me: (can't take it anymore) TO WHACK IT!

Woman: Ohhhhh....?