Peeved and Bothered

I've joined the fine folks at Peevishness and Botheration as a fellow peeved and bothered contributor.

Who WOULDN'T want to be a part of this:



Suckas, that's who!

Come visit and join in on the crankiness.

Voicemail can bite me.

I think I just said, "What the fuck?!" on someone VERY IMPORTANT's voicemail. See, his cell phone went right to voicemail, and I started to speak, and it cut me off.

"Hi this is Me, we're on for --"

(phone) "To send this message press blabityboo."

"I'm NOT DONE." Hang up, dial again.

Maybe if I'm pausing, it thinks I'm done.

"Hi-this-is-Me-we're-on-for-4:00-set-up-at-the-hotel (breath)--"

(phone) "To send this message press babityboo. Or hit this number to re-record..."

(frustration, hits number but at the same time I blurt out "What the FUCK?")

(phone) "To send this message press blabityboo."

"AHHHH, no, do NOT SEND THIS MESSAGE."

I think I hit the right button to erase it, but I'm not sure. Because the last thing I heard was, "Thank you, good bye."

Good bye indeed.

So I did what any professional would do. I threw my cellphone across the room and screamed into a couch cushion.

It's been quite the week. I will have lots to share tomorrow. If I decide to get out of bed.

Scent of a Dream

I can't believe I'm sharing this, but I had the most bizarre dream last night.

I was about to get it on with this tart of a chick I knew in high school (boom-chucka-mauh-mauh!), and I was all "what...I haven't thought of you since high school...what am I doing?...and it was getting kinda weirdish nice...when BAM!, AL PACINO makes an appearance.

And that's when I remember saying, "I'm out!" and waking up.

How do you like me NOW?



Al: Tell them what I said to you in this crazy freaky dream.

Me:: Oh GOD, NO!

Al:: Do it!

Me: NO. GO away, Pacino.

Al: I said you smelled like a Cinnabon!

Me: (covering my ears) La la la la

Al: HAHAHA! Hot DAMN I'm smooth!

Joke Maker

I need some help, please.

I need a joke.

I attend a meeting with a group of professional individuals twice a month, and each meeting opens with a joke. Each person takes a turn providing the joke. And let me tell you people, I've witnessed some pretty painful, corny corn corn corn jokes.

It will be my turn next week. I've got nuthin'. Please share a good one with me, I need it. BADLY.

Please keep in mind, this is a professional organization, so please no dirty jokes, limmericks, or um, knock knock jokes.

If it can be a story-turned-joke, that would be awesome, too.

If you've got something to share, please either do so right there in the comments section or you can e-mail me at newjanb at good ole hotmail.

I appreciate it. Really.

Sock

I dropped a sock into the toilet this morning. BY ACCIDENT!

Little soldier

Where did the weekend go?

Yesterday a brunch date turned into a 12 hour event. Dim sum, followed by many hours of playing various games, out to dinner and then the season premiere of what I just like to call Keifer Sutherland.

Have you played this game? It's a game where you have to make your partner guess a particular word, and there are a bunch of other words (or clues) that you cannot say in order for them to guess the word.

Funniest moment in that game?

The word was this.

Husband was giving the clues to his wife: "Two words, first word. You want this little thing inside you right now. RIGHT NOW! You know, GO LITTLE SOLDIER, GO!"

I had to lay down after that one.

Craptacular

There is a shelf in my linen closet which is dedicated to holding all of the strange gifts my mother has given me throughout the years. My friend Katie found it by accident last night, and we had a great time going through each item.

When I was younger, I used to be extremely annoyed at the gifts she'd give me, but over the years I couldn't WAIT to open them to see what crazy shit I was about to be bestowed.

Some examples:

1. A soapdish that you HANG ON YOUR BATHROOM WALL. "Where's the soap? Oh, up here!"

2. A beaded coin purse in the shape of an old lady hat.

3. A Garfield watch (I have to add that I was like TWENTY-something when she gave me this).

4. A framed baby photo of myself - which for a second might be a cute idea, but if you saw this photo (which you never will), you would die from laughter. Of all the cute baby photos I've seen of myself (which are apparently under lock and key), this photo is the most awkward one ever. First of all, I'm about three months old, I have the hugest alien head you ever did see, my arms/hands are in this weird position that makes you think my arms are nothing but stubs and will never grow out in proportion to the rest of my body, and I'm being propped up by someone who's arm is covered by a blanket - yet you can tell there's no way I could sit like that on my own. Oh, and I have that stupid tuft of hair pointed straight up that they loved to do in the sixties with the bow...ala Pebbles. And it's an EIGHT BY TEN. I thought I was going to have to give Katie CPR over that one.

5. Bootie socks that say "foxy" in calligraphy.

6. A mother-daughter figurine reminiscent of Precious Moments, only MUCH MUCH scarier and designed to go in a baby nursery even though she gave it to me for my 33rd birthday.

7. A wooden sign that she obviously got at a craft faire, featuring a cartoon of a woman with a broom that says: "Back off, I have PMS!"

8. A cross-stitch pattern of a bee.

9. And my number one most "interesting" gift, which I opened up at my huge 30th birthday bash - this little gem.

There is good.

My friend and I talked yesterday. Well, she talked, I cried.

We did manage to have a few laughs, though. Mostly at my expense. Like how on the day of my interview it was storming like crazy, I didn't have an umbrella and I showed up looking like a drowned rat, and towel dried my hair for the first three minutes of my interview with A PANEL OF SIX PEOPLE. And how the power was out and the conference room was dark and I couldn't even see the people who were interviewing me. How I got the job, I still don't know.

And the time we were in Washington DC on business and we went to a bar and faked southern accents (BADLY, I might add) the entire night.

And how I had to explain to her what "poony" meant.

The time we were in San Francisco and she had sangria for the first time and POUNDED it "this is GOOD!" and then could barely walk out of the restaurant. And when she called home that night from the hotel she made ME do most of the talking with her husband and son because she didn't want them to know she was drunk.

It hurts so much to know what she's going through, but I'm thankful that we are able to put any shit from the past behind us and only remember the good and the funny.

"Seriously, Girl. I think about you sitting there trying to come up with a delicate definition of 'poony' and I start laughing all over again - SIX YEARS LATER."

Happy New Year, here's some lemons.

I just received word a few minutes ago that a friend of mine is seriously ill. I am sad, I am PISSED and I'm sorta a mess.

This is a friend who I met through the last company I worked for before I started my own business. She's one of the most sincere and sweetest people I know.

Right around the holidays, I received an invitation to a gathering for that particular company, and I declined it as I felt awkward having left the company on a sort of sour note. A sour note that wrecked the friendship that we had had. I should have gone anyway, and that's upsetting me, too.

Before she extended the invitation, she had been slowly extending an olive branch, and yet I still was keeping my distance, even though the fault of our friendship demise was mine. Not hers. At all. This is why she is a great person, and I am shit.

Everything that happened four years ago seems SO STUPID now. I can now only try to be there for her, and I'm hoping that it's not too little too late.

"I love scotch."

Last night I watched this movie. I was dead set on loving Will, and my pretend celebrity boyfriend* Vince (who has a very tiny role in it), but the real surprise was Steve Carrell's performance. SO funny. Tears-in-my-eyes-while-laughing funny. The man is a genius, he steals the entire movie, and was hands down the funniest character. I'd watch it again just for Steve.

You won't believe what I'm listening to right now. For I am "connecting with nature". That's right. I'm listening to a CD that I pulled from Target's Dollar Spot (good GOD do I love that section), and it's simply called "Nature". Twenty-six minutes of birds tweeting, an occasional flute, and tiny tender piano strokes. Songs include: "nature's sunrise symphony", "morning bird melody", "meadow walk", "strolling the mystic shore", "thunder" and the one I can't wait to get to: "sounds in the jungle". You'll be glad to know I also purchased two other CDs - "Relaxation" and "Healing". They were A DOLLAR.

I give myself ten more minutes before I pop in the Beastie Boys.

*Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend is a term smartly coined by one Beth.

Boys are funny.

I have a guy over here doing some work for me today. The alarming thing is that he's way funnier than I thought he was. Actually? I thought he had NO sense of humor at all.

This morning when he showed up I gave him belated holiday goodness (A TIE, people. Man.). He literally GUSHED when he opened it. "It's the best tie ever! This one's going to be my NEW FAVORITE! I swear I'd wear this one EVERY DAY if I could! And to sleep! Yes, to sleep!" And the Academy Award goes to...

Then I brought him a cup of coffee. "Oh MAN, this coffee is SO GOOD! What kind of coffee is this? Quick, get the bag, I must read it!"

Later I accidentally complimented his haircut. "Really? It's not too short? And you're the first person to notice! I love you!"

Then I handed him the phone when a client started to praise him on some work he did for me - "here, tell him yourself..."

When he hung up, he sat back in his chair and exclaimed, "God, with all this attention I'm getting today, I hope I remember to stand when I pee later!"

Okay, that was funny.

My neck hurts. No, not my neck, the base of my neck. Right at my shoulders. I woke up in some weird ass position this morning, and I knew knew KNEW my neck was going to kill if I didn't move, but I DIDN'T anyway because that would have taken effort.

And it's not even noon and I haven't kept my #1 new year's resolution which was to get to work immediately upon entering the office instead of dilly-dallying for a while first. I printed out a piece of paper and was wiped out. This is why I'm not allowed to take any time off. Three days of sheer nothingness and I just don't want to get back into the swing of things. I'm just a nothingness girl at heart I guess.

Way to celebrate.

New Years Eve consisted of the following: many glasses of wine, the grand idea of switching to screwdrivers served in gorgeous crystal martini glasses, me and my chair falling over during dinner, three girls all in their 30's jumping on my bed while singing "Shook Me All Night Long" at the top of our lungs, sipping champagne out of a coffee mug, mystery puke (NOT MINE) on the back porch, cartwheels in the rain, many rounds of this game, and someone telling some random guy walking by on my street: "Happy New Year, motherfucker!". Pure class, as you can see. I went to bed at 8:30 A.M. That's morning, by the way. Good times.