Blog THIS! II

More random quotes I found while blog-hopping during a conference call:

"so i was writing a recipe card for biscuits... but i didn't really say the recipe part... sooooooooo yeah."

"oh i organised me b-day! tis in 1 month today! kant w8!"

"It's not Normal to be Normal, it's Normal to be Weird, because after all, Normal is in the eye of the beholder."

"Well I really don't like to lie unless I have to. "

"Remember that you love the stars, and the sound of free-running, wild water and the orgasmic excitement that strikes like lightning when the end of your rod seemingly bends in half."

"So I'd just like to announce to uhh...well...myself, that I just had the best orgasm ever tonight with my girlfriend. That is not an exaggeration either. Yay lesbians being good at everything."

"I really hate to hit animals with a car. I understand it is a them or me thing and that God will make more, but I just feel so awful! "

"PS: Don't do Alcohol!"

Coffee from PODS.

I love me a good cup of coffee in the morning. I do not however enjoy the act of making a pot of coffee every morning.

I recently discovered a wonderful new appliance that allows me to make a steamy, frothy, delicious cup of coffee within seconds. It's truly a beautiful thing.

I went to the website of said coffee maker company, only to be delighted with how freaking entertaining their site is. I was not prepared.

Allow me to give you a tour of their delightful site and what I loved about it. (follow me, here)

Once you click on your country, please pay special attention to the faces of the people who appear a little TOO satisfied with their cup of coffee. I mean. The woman with the ponytails, eggplant colored shirt, and the "O" face. She looks so damn dreamy it makes me want to have another!



But you know what? It's TRUE. The coffee is GOOD. Here's my own dreamy look:




And....I'm spent.

The only thing I'm not crazy about is that they refer to it as a "coffee pod system". I'm not a marketing genius, but anything with the word POD in it immediately gives me the heeby-jeebies and make me want to run in the opposite direction. Fortunately, the woman at Costco who was demonstrating this puppy never used the word, therefore the sale was made.

And speaking of demonstration, it cracks me up that you can watch a demonstration on-line. Because making one cup of coffee is HARD and you have to see it to believe it!

But even if you don't want to watch the demo, they spell it out for you:

1. Fill the water reservoir.
2. Choose your pods and insert. (ahhhhh!)
3. Press the start button. (really? okay!)

And then comes my favorite part...."Voilà, a cup of coffee that feels as good as it tastes."

FEELS as good as it tastes. I didn't slather any coffee ON me, but maybe that's the difference between me and Eggplant Girl. I'm obviously missing something here.

I mock, yes. But I truly love this coffee. A perfect cup everytime, and you can't possibly fuck it up even in a hang-over trance.

I recommend that you act quickly and get one for yourself now, so that YOU TOO can Experience the Revolution!

At first I was worried. "SHIT, I'm in a REVOLUTION. Do I have time for this?" But then I saw the dude in the middle picture of the revolution page and realized it's a very relaxed sort of revolution, so it's cool.

Blog THIS!

So, I was making the most of the "random blog" feature up at the top of the page this morning.

I'd like to share with you some quotes from random blogs that I found to be either funny, and/or odd:

"Whenever my lover loses weight, I feel like a farmer whose crops are dwindling in the fields."

"These bountiful patties were kneaded to perfection and yearned to ride the grill. After we savoured these 'explosions of flavour,' we drank."

"test test test. i love Jesus."

"One girl arrived to the meeting 15 minutes late, wearing a bright yellow tube top, blond hair in a ponytail, complete with her big dog on a leash, and proceeded to sit in the front row, all eyes on her. I'm pretty sure this girl thinks she is Cameron Diaz."

"事就把原先的优点给抹杀掉"

"I can't believe my urine is not yet neon pink, that I am still absorbing all of these wonderful nutrients, considering all of the borscht I've consumed over the last three days."

"People go to the gym to increase their tonus mechanism, or to get 'toned up'.

"Like, my cell phone bill that ballooned to $ 250 this month - I don't even know this happened. But turned out I had used more than 1500 minutes!!!"

"and then laura and greg and i listened to willenium in the car home. that cd is beast."

"The squirrel is a symbol of nothing in particular. Yes, it is agile. It is nimble. But it is overlooked. No one knows why the squirrel is often overlooked. No one cares."

I heart Sundays.

Today was an absolutely glorious Sunday.

It started out slowly, with all the windows open in a great big welcome to a cool breeze - after a week worth of surface-of-the-sun heat. Delicious Kona coffee (and cream!), and my favorite jeans with the hole in the knee (so Debbie Gibson!). Free Sunday paper on my doorstep.

Then there was a drive out into the "country". Complete with buying beef jerky from a stand (read: van) along the side of a dirt road, lunching at an old barn converted into a restaurant, and shopping at a fresh produce stand in the middle of nowhere.

There may have been a nap afterwards.

And now, I'm sitting here writing this, windows open again. Glass of chardonnay next to me. Dinner being grilled outside for me - filet mignon, baked potatoes and corn on the cob - my fresh produce purchases.

Sure, I have to finish editing a document the size of War & Peace (originally titled "War, What is it Good For" - anyone?), to be turned in tomorrow morning.

But somehow, it all seems just fine by me.

OH! And before I forget. If you need a DVD that will make you laugh until you cry big crocodile tears at the beauty of the comedy of it all? Then you simply MUST pick up The Best of Triumph the Insult Comedy Dog. Seriously. SO funny. My favorite part? The American Idol Hawaii auditions - and the newscast. You will die. SO brilliant. Go get it, NOW!

Bridesmaiding it.

I am going to be a bridesmaid this weekend.

Here is what I've been reminding myself of all week:

1) Do not forget the groom's name AGAIN. It's bad to be standing up and witnessing vows when you're thinking, "Katie's marrying WHO? Bob? Rob? ZACH!"

2) Daydreaming that I'm marrying Zach Braff may be a good time killer at the altar.

3) Do not rip the wedding to shreds by detailing in my head what I would have done differently had I planned the wedding. Occupational hazaard.

4) Do not focus on the fact that I'll be the oldest bridesmaid in the line-up. Be proud that I just turned 35 and try not to shoot the stank eye at the other 25 year-olds.

5) Try to remember that the highlight of the experience will NOT be the flowing champagne while we get ready. But really? Weeeeeeee!

6) Limit myself to two glasses of champagne while getting ready. No bride wants that fucked-up bridesmaid who gets all shitfaced and can't even make it down the aisle.

7) Remember to call Valerie to remind her of how fucked up she was when she was in my own wedding nearly ten years ago. BEFORE the wedding even started. It's funny NOW.

8) Work on pose for wedding pictures. Try to find happy medium between eyes closed and deer-in-headlights.

9) Try not to scream in horror if they play Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock and Roll".

Announcements and Embarrassments

First, the announcements:

Martha, Amy and I would like to present Snarkywood. It's The Girlfriend's Guide to Fabulousness and Fantasticity only bigger. With its own site and everything.

And before you get all, "Wow Jan really does it up big", let me tell you it is MARTHA and AMY that's responsible for its awesomeness. For I am computer handicapped. I just bust in with the comments. They make it all happen. Love them. RESPECT them. For I do.

Next, check out the cool little searchy thing at the top of the page. You can search my blog for anything your heart desires. Which should be fascinating considering I've written a piddly forty-something posts in FIVE months. But it's there. And it beats the annoying ads that used to be there. OR, when you're tired of reading my blather, you can click the "next blog" feature and stumble upon a random blog. FUN!

And now for the Embarrassments:

Last week I arrived TEN MINUTES EARLY to a meeting. This caused a stir for the group I was meeting with.

One girl came RUNNING into the conference room: "I saw Jan walking down the hall and thought, 'oh SHIT, I'm late for the meeting!'".

I made some comment about how now my new thing is to be on time to meetings. The guy at the head of the table goes, "You can be the New Jan Brady!".

You know my heart stopped for a second. Or ten.

Also, I should not be allowed to wear jewelry. Yesterday I dug up this necklace I'd never worn before. It had one of those black cords, very similar to this. I had no idea how to tie it. Surely not a knot, for I'd never get it off. So what, a little bow?

Yeah, I did the little bow thingy and then was a wreck the ENTIRE DAY, afraid it was going to fall off. So I walked around all day with no sudden neck movement. And STRESSED about it.

I think this is because I've been scarred.

Ten or so years ago? I was working at a bank, opening a new account for a customer. He was gorgeous. GORGEOUS! I was all nervous and fumbly and awkward, yet trying to be charming. I sat there all clickety-clackety typing away on the computer, when he commented on what a pretty necklace I was wearing. It was a beaded necklace with these really unusual chunky stone type beads. I blushed, and thanked him.

When we were done with his business (hee!), I stood up to thank him for coming in, and just as I reached out to shake his hand I heard this huge BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM...and he says, "Your necklace is falling apart..."

Sure enough, all the beads went spilling everywhere...all over my desk, the plastic mat under my chair...one bounced off his SUNGLASSES that were sitting on the desk.

How do you look cool when that happens?

You don't.

YOU DON'T.

Zach-alicious

Look what I found. You have no idea how much I love him. NONE. Go read him, because he just went ahead and made himself more fabulous by being an awesome writer. Is there anything he CAN'T do? And why do I find these sites when I HAVE NO TIME TO READ THEM!

Dr. Dentist

Hi, hi. I've had wine (hello, Kendall-Jackson!). And a horrible day.

I went to the dentist this morning and was there a good, long two hours. My dentist is awesome, though. He's sort of funny (more like, he thinks I'm sort of funny!) and he always loads me down with lovely oraly hygene treats on my way out. (By the way, my new favorite thing is the Proxabrush. It's gotta handle like a toothbrush, but you put these different little pinhead things on it that you use to poke near your gums inbetween your teeth. SO much better than flossing. And your dentist can even tell you what depth your gum pockets are to customize the little heads.)

I've been seeing the same dentist for over ten years, and I really do love him. He's gentle, he makes chit-chat when your knuckles go white and your whole body is stiff as a board. He has fresh breath. He puts up with all my whining when I CRY over having any sort of dental problem when I HONESTLY take the best care possible of my teeth. He BLAMES genetics and not me. Gotta love a guy who will easily sweep blame into an entirely different direction.

So today, I had to have GUM PLANING...planeing? I don't know how to spell it so that it doesn't look like planning. Drunk? Maybe. Plane-ining. Which is a technical word for scraping the shit out of your gums. It is not pleasant, my friends. You see, my gums love calcium. So much so, that they like to SUCK IT ALL IN AND NOT LET GO so I get little lovely calcium deposits now and then. Glorious.

I'd had it done years ago, so I knew what to expect. They numb the shit out of your gums, which is a good thing, because otherwise I may have had to hurt his baby-maker. Badly. But, I was afraid of the damn shots IN THE GUMS to numb them.

So, when I entered the exam room, I threw my purse down hard on the floor and said, "Okay, so Dr. Dentist. My birthday is Sunday. Your present to me will be...THIS WON'T HURT AT ALL, and will possibly tickle and make me happy to be alive."

He laughed.

And the shots hurt like fucking hell.

He is so not getting a thank you note.

The other joy was that my mouth was numb as all get-out ALL DAY and I felt like The Elephant Man. I couldn't eat. I couldn't DRINK. I tried napping, hoping when I woke up I'd be normal again and all would be well in the world. But I couldn't find a comfortable way to lay on my pillow (I sleep on my stomach), and there was MUCH drool when I woke up. You can't feel real classy when you're wiping up pools of drool from your CHIN.

Ugh. So, this was my day. I didn't get shit done. My wee gums are tender - if not ever-so-sparkly.

And this weekend? I have to attend a baby shower, a dinner party (hosted BY ME), and entertain out-of-town friends on Sunday.

All I know is, they had ALL better comment on how freaking lovely my gums are.

Martha vs Miss Snooglepants

Martha*** recently sent me a very ridiculous photo of one Whitney Houston, which had me both trouble and near death from laughter. The following chain of e-mails resulted:

Dear Martha,

Hi, this is Jan's attorney Miss Snooglepants, and I'm here to inform you that Jan has gone on to the big Snarkywood in the sky. Last we can see, she was viewing some Whitney photos that were, I must admit, quite hilarious. We don't know who to feel more sad for -Jan's passing? Or Whitney's passing of sanity.

Warm Regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq

Dear Miss Snooglepants,

I am so sorry to hear of Jan's passing. If she happened to leave anything to me in her will, please let me know.

Sincerely yours,
Martha

Dear Martha,

Thank you for your concern. As a matter of fact, she did leave you something. A lifetime supply of Diet Pepsi and Champagne ("Dom only, bitches!"). Although there is one condition to this inheritance, and that was that YOU were not to be responsible for her death. "If she makes me laugh so hard I DIE, she gets NOTHING."

Well, thems are the breaks.

Warm regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq.

Dear Ms. Snooglepants:

I do believe that the responsibility for Jan's untimely demise lies firmly on one Whitney Houston, batshit crazy superstah, and not one Martha of The Random Muse, who was merely a conduit for photographs of said superstah. If necessary, in order to secure my claim to free caffeine and alcohol, I am willing to go to court to obtain a declaratory judgment to that effect. Am confident that the law is on my side.

Sincerely,
Martha

Dear Martha,

I know not of which you speak in regards to "declaratory judgement", for I received my legal degree on-line, and I didn't download that specific lesson because I was a little too busy playing Free Cell and reading the Onion. So, if you are willing to overlook this whole thing, so am I. Plus, I need to get back to designing my iheartthelaw.com website. I just added a purple and pink flowered wallpaper to it and a kajillion smilies. I think I'm headed UP UP UP.

Warm regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq sorta

My Dearest Ms. Snoogleywoogle:

I am willing to settle the entire matter for one case of Cristal. Please ship directly to my home address. If you act quickly, I will refrain from reporting you to the Bar Association.

Sincerely,
Martha

p.s. Make sure to put a picture of an eagle somewhere on your website. People seem to like that. All of those lawyer tv commercials seem to have eagles on them.

Dear Martha,

I did not know what "Cristal" was, so I looked it up via google. Apparently, you have some real "ghetto-fabulous" taste. I refer you to Exhibit A: "Ghetto fabulous now refers to a style that merges ethnic eccentricities with runway chic. It is inner-city attitude mixed with Milanese glamour. Chanel meets Kangol. Thugs in platinum and diamond rings sipping Cristal champagne. Three-inch-long fingernails painted to match the latest offerings from Dolce & Gabbana."

I'm not sure what this all means, but I'm not about to support your gangstah lifestyle.

See you in court, missy.

Warm regards,
Miss Snooglepants, Esq
P.S. I'll already be at the courthouse next Friday defending Jay-Z vs All Women for his song "99 Problems But a Bitch Ain't One". Hope that works for your schedule.

Dear Ms. Snoogleydoodle:

Are you trying to tell me that my three-inch long acrylics aren't classy? Even though I have pretty pictures airbrushed onto them and a little gold hoop at the tip of my pinkynail?

I am crushed. Crushed. Next thing you know, you're going to be telling me that my hair extensions don't look good just because I couldn't afford the kind that get woven in and I had to settle for the kind that get glued on instead.

You lawyer types can be real bitches, you know?

Yours in ghetto style,
Martha

***I would obviously link Martha, but I CAN'T because my freaking LINKS still AREN'T WORKING even though I've been linking happily for many months now and suddenly I CAN'T anymore even though I've done it EXACTLY RIGHT about 800,000 times and it STILL WON'T WORK and why God, WHY? Ya'll know who Martha is, because you love her and you want to be her when you grow up. Right?