So drunk.

i am drunk. almost DUNK as I just almost let my damn self say. Drunk. Hi! I just had the most awesome evening with really good friends, but I also have a disaster of a house to fix up AND an 8:00 a.m. meeeting. Who arranges 8:00 a.m. meetings? Dumb people, thats who. Well, not the people who arrange them, but the people who ACCEPT them.

So much going on. So much to do. But, right now I'm a little happy because I had a good time with good friends and the rest will just work itself out. REgardless if I have to work all weekend, which I do.

Love to you and you. AND YOU.

Jumble.

My mind is nothing but a huge laundry list of tasks and obligations. While so many funny things go on throughout a day, it takes me every bit of energy just to remember to set my alarm before going to bed, let alone remember WHAT happened that day.

I'm over-stretched, over committed.

And five minutes ago I spilled an entire glass of wine all over my dining room table.

Love you, world!

My goal when I first decided to participate in posting every day for the month of November was to actually WRITE. And instead it became a month worth of "uh...wha?" and peppered with complaints and hereabouts. I'm thinking hereabouts isn't even a word. And to that I say a big fat SO WHAT.

I'm going to go lay down now and pretend I'm going to have a good night's sleep, when actually I will lay there until about 2, when I'll finally nod off for awhile, and then wake up every twenty minutes or so.

And tomorrow, on the very last day to post, I will wonder when in the fuck I'll have time to do so.

Aren't I just a cuddly thing right about now?

Pardon me

I'm all talked out today and my head feels like it's going to explode. Ka-boom!

It's fake, and it's spectacular!

I used to be a big poo-pooer of artifical Christmas trees. WHY would someone buy a FAKE tree? That's insane! AND LAME.

Until I broke down and bought one last year: And in a word, love. This year it took 5 minutes to pull the perfectly pre-lit tree out of it's box, poof it up a bit and instant perfect tree. No fighting crowds, no lugging it on top of my car, no watering it, no cleaning up pine needles for a month...just perfect smiley tree.

One might ask, "but what about the fresh pine scent?". To which I say, pinecones, baby! My house smells awesome.

I'm a sucker for twinkly white lights. Not the ones that blink...I guess technically that's twinkly, but soft little white lights. I've put them everywhere this year, I'm afraid.

I've gotten rather picky about my decorating. Reds and browns in the kitchen and den, greens and creams in the living room. It's all very delicious. No cute figurines! No crafty crafts! No snow globes! Just delicate touches and lots of white lights.

...aaaand, I just bored myself.

By the way, I didn't do shit today either.

Yesterday my friends introduced me to this drink, or their "House Drink", and I have to say: Yum. And fancy. And surprising, because I'm not really a vermouth fan.

We had a nice day yesterday. Long walk by the water, crunchy fall leaves and fleece jackets, Manhattans on the porch. I almost ruined it at one point when I almost burst into tears while having a discussion with a girlfriend about how I think there must be something wrong with me because I don't want to have kids. But then her one-year-old did something hilarious and I was distracted, and also sweet liquor eases the pain. And so does homemade gnocchi.

R&R

This three days of not working has been completely awesome. I've only opened my office door just to come in here and post the past three days. I flip on the computer, write something lame, close up my laptop and close the office door again. Awesome.

Today I will be spending the day with friends. And bumming. Long live bumming!

Tomorrow I actually have to do some work, as this is going to be a busy week. But three days of non-work? Oh yeah, come to mama.

Cooking, yeah.

The few of us who took over my kitchen Thanksgiving Day to cook turned it into one of the funniest and funnest (oh yeah) experiences of my life. While we blared Guns 'N Roses ("This ain't your Mama's kitchen!"), we peeled, chopped, stirred, washed our hands a thousand times, and laughed.

Each person got a few minutes to host their own cooking show, even though some people's turns landed at times when they weren't actually cooking, but doing some sort of task. My favorite was the one who was just walking around with a sponge and wiping up crumbs and splats. It actually made for a good show.

For the second year in a row I made this stuffing. And for the second year in a row I thought it would be a breeze and only take a little while. Giada says the prep time is "20 minutes". For me, it was closer to THREE HOURS as I had to chop and chop and chop, marvel at the other cooks, and lay down once because my arm was tired from the chopping. I would never survive as a chef. Which is why my show was called The Exasperated Chef and my show theme song was "Welcome to the Jungle" (You're gonna DIEEEE-UHHH)

Regardless, a meal was made, I'm still full, and I've been nothing but a bum today. To which, I will now return to my bumming.

Happy Thanksgiving

Later: My new cooking show: The Exasperated Cook with special musical guests: Guns 'n Roses.

Getting ready.

I was at Costco earlier, picking up a couple things, and watching people as they hurriedly stuck Thanksgiving related items into their shopping cart. Cruising down the wine aisle, I paused to pretend like I was mulling over which wine I was going to get, when really I just took a minute to observe those around me.

The older man in the wheel chair who was telling his grandson, "Of COURSE we can get apple pie. Of course, get apple!"

The woman who was clinging to her shopping list and looking over the desserts somewhat frantically. Looking over miles and miles of pumpkin pies before picking out the PERFECT one. (Which was funny because I had just been there and picked the first one closest to me with my only thought being: PUMPKIN PIE!)

The older man who strode past me, no shopping cart, simply stopping for a second to pick up a bottle of champagne.

And it was then that I remembered, we're all in this together. We're all doing the same thing. And that's sorta neat.

I imagined that man, in his smart pants and cardigan sweater, was proud of himself for stopping off to pick out a nice bottle of champagne to take to company, and it made me smile.

What was I doing?

There are days when it's a wonder I get anything done. I'm all over the place, all scattery and deep breaths. I've decided that my mantra for 2007 will be one word: Focus. I've got a lot of cleaning up to do before that in order to make it happen, but Jesus Nipsey Russell, I will!

I came to this realization just now when I realized I couldn't work in the disaster which is my office, and spread myself out in the dining room. And when I walked back into my office to just get a PEN I about cried when I saw it from a fresh perspective - it's all mad-scientist crazy. I've gotten myself all set up and organized before, but keeping up a system has been really difficult for me. The reason being, I'm more of a "drop and go" girl. I work on something, drop it, and go on to the next thing. And needless to say I come back to many piles, things unfinished, and then I wonder why the need for the deep breaths.

It's time to get some god damn focus.

All the tender leaves you can eat!

I've had this thing on my DVR for a while now, and was happy to find it on YouTube.

Very nice.

I went and saw this movie Friday night. While I definitely laughed at parts, I was a little disappointed by it. Maybe because it has been way too hyped up...billed as THE FUNNIEST movie ever. It was funny, yes. Funniest movie ever...not so sure. I also couldn't help but think that a lot of it was more scripted than what was let on.

And there, ta da, is my movie review. You're welcome?

I shouldn't totally poo-poo it, I was also super tired and watching the late showing of it, so I was also fighting to keep my eyes open.

That's how it's been for me lately. I'm always going-going-going, and when I finally get a chance to just SIT and not work or worry about something, I get the sleepies. Which will hopefully be remedied now as I slept and slept and slept some mo' today. I'm actually worried I won't be able to sleep tonight, I slept so damn much.

Short and sweet.

Breakfast with a friend, a little shopping, a fat nap, a manicure and dinner with friends makes for a nice day.

Snack

I'm eating some candy by this fine organization, which I'm now realizing is the only thing I've eaten today. And I started thinking...first cookies, and now candy. Those little girls want to fatten us up all year long!

But it's good. Chocolate covered peanuts. Mmm. I was sitting here reading the back of the tin and it has one of those allergy warnings: "Processed on shared equipment with peanut and tree nut containing products. May contain an occasional pit or shell fragment." OR PEANUTS, since they are chocolate covered peanuts, yes? Way to cover your asses there, girls.

I was a member once. When I was...10? Fifth grade? The only thing I remember is that I was forced to wear my uniform to school on the days our club met. It was a RULE! No wearing your school clothes and then changing afterward, oh no. You had to be a billboard for the organization. The reason it bothered me was because I was a new member and had something like ZERO badges at the beginning of the school year and the other girls would look at me like, "Oh. She's slow." I should have said I was currently working on getting my badge on Bashing In Other Fifth Grader Snotty Girl Heads. Sure, think of that now, Self! Where were you when I needed you 17 years ago. Oh, yeah. Crying. That's right.

Anyway, it never took. I hated it. I do believe it is the place where I learned how to braid, though. Thank you, scouts!

Task reminders.

I'm seriously so overwhelmed right now. I know everyone's busy right now and always are, but c'mon. I'm tired! Mama needs a break!

It's gotten so bad that I had the weirdest first thought after hitting the alarm and jolting up in bed:

Photocopy the lolliop!

And I was serious! And in my head I felt this sense of urgency in that YES THE LOLLIPOP TOTALLY NEEDS TO BE PHOTOCOPIED, how dare I sleep!!!

Until a few seconds later when I said it aloud, all slow-like: "Photocopy...the...lollipop."

And laid back down. Layed back down. Went horizontal, fuck it.

Tiredness makes things extra sexy.

I think I'm in love. Too tired to explain who he is. If you've got a funny bone, you already know who he is. And you love him, too. But you can't have him. Because he's mine. And he promised me he'd never die.

Oh, Gary.

Tiredness makes things extra funny.

I'm trying to wrap up a 12-hour work day, and someone sends me this thing. It made me laugh so hard, I couldn't breathe. It has probably been on the internet for a 100 years and I'm the last one to join the party as usual, but I still thought I'd share.



Preview for tomorrow: 14 hour work day! Hooray!

Bad day.

Day started off with a bang. Busy, busy, things are good.

Ending on a sour note.

How I choose to let it affect me from here on out is up to me.

I choose life!

(Okay, that made my sad heart laugh.)

Is that a NO then?

How does one concentrate when their entire face hurts like a motherfucker? They don't. And the hours and hours of work that need to be done continue sitting on the desk(s). I'm serious. The face??? Stupid sinuses. All day I've been doing steam treatments, hot towels, etc and I only feel 2% less like chopping my head off.

Something that's been cracking me up all day, but won't seem funny because you sorta had to be there:

At the dinner party last, there was this guy I've never met who from what I could only tell was talking about blessings and church and people needing people.

One guy, who was holding a drink in his hand yells out to this guy across the room, "Are you STILL talking about church??!!!"

The guy perks up all super smiley and happy: "Yes, I sure am!" and then completely sincerely asks him, "Would you like to join us at service tomorrow morning?"

And the other guy yells, "FUUUUUUCK YOU!"

To which the religious guy does NOT skip a single beat and happily says, "Oh that's okay...okay...just thought I'd ask. Maybe another time..."

I actually felt bad for him, but it sure was funny.

Social butterfly.

It's a rainy day here, and I'm about to head out to a full day of engagements. When really, I'd like to just stay in bed.

First will be brunch with some girlfriends, followed by a long drive and a meeting with a client, followed by another long drive back and a fancy-pants dinner party. I'm tired already!

Due to the nature of my business, from now through the end of the holidays, my schedule is jam-packed and I'm saying my annual prayer that I'll get through it all and maintain my sanity. And maybe even have some fun.

But really, I'd like to just stay in bed. Can I get an amen?

Hey.

Happy birthday. I have the following things to say to you:

Clean out your fuckin' ears! This party's for girls....and Sheldon.

You are a good friend. You are funny. You need to feel better about yourself because I think you're pretty kick-ass. Even though you think Anchorman was a great movie. It was funny, don't get me wrong, but your love for it is too strong.

You have a good heart. You are a good person. I wish you'd see that. I wish you'd work things out with some people, and I think you know who I mean. I think you're going to regret it later on, because I did the same thing and I know of which I speak.

You are crazy talented. Don't ever doubt that.

I love your laugh. When you really just go for it and it comes from your gut, and you sincerely think something is funny. It makes me laugh that much harder. Even if it's at my expense.

Happy Birthday. Let's get some fuckin chicken!

Friends 4-ever,

-Me

Smack.

At lunchtime today I ran into an older lady who is a friend of my family. Upon greeting each other, she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I then went about the rest of my day with a BRIGHT PINK KISS on my cheek. And nobody TOLD ME, HELLO THREE MEETINGS!

Here's some of the stuff I'm looking at today...

Michael and Dwight: SexyBack

I've really been into pumpkin lately. Pumpkin this, pumpkin that. GIVE ME PUMPKIN. But this recipe is asking to love me long time. And I say yes! Oh god yes! And when I'm done with THAT, then I'm off to belittle myself and cheat on its goodness with some of these here babies.

I sorta sucked it on this quiz.

I'm rolling my eyes at some of the things that make news. "We're not sure he really has gray hair, but MAYBE. I mean, look at his chin stubble!"

I don't know why this cracked me up, but the article's all blah blah blah and then some random commenter's all, "I believe her." Okay then! Ridiculous situation cleared up!

I'm busy looking for plates! GEEZ.

One of my very bad habits is to surf the net while simultaneously conference calling it up. Usually I only do this if I don't have much to contribute to the call. Sometimes I'm the chick on the line who just sits there and is the yes-girl. That was today.

I was half-listening, mumbling affirmatives when I felt they were required, and surfing the web looking for some turquoise salad-sized plates to hang up on a decorative plate holder thingy-ma-jig in my dining room, when I realize the call had gone quiet. And that I was so into my shopping, that I didn't even know HOW LONG it had been quiet.

"Hello?" I asked tentatively.

Nothing. I figured the call had ENDED and I didn't even know it, so I shouted aloud to myself, "aw fuck!" before reaching out to flip my open cell phone (which I had on speaker) closed.

That's when I heard muffled laughter.

"So yes, we're waiting on your update," said the foreman of the call just as I picked up my phone.

Lots more muffled laughter.

I really need to start pulling my shit together during conference calls.

P.S.: I got these.

Hi baby.

My friend T's little baby girl is adorable. She smells like rainbows! She's itty bitty and all love bug. She's also going by her middle name now, a sudden change that her parents sprung on everyone recently although she was named a few months ago. So now, not only do I have to get used to the fact that my best friend is a MOTHER (Ma!), but I also have to rethink the baby's name when I call out to her. So confusing!

What's-her-name smiled at me on Sunday for the first time, and at THE most perfect time, to which T and I laughed and laughed. I had just arrived at a baby shower, and T was pointing out that the baby was wearing a dress that I had given her. I was looking down at the baby, smiling all big and talking to her, but she just gave a confused grunt. Another friend of mine handed me a glass of champagne, and I held it up to the side of my face and joked, "Oh, it's your Auntie! Here! Now you'll know who I am!" and took a big sip. She smiled from ear to ear.

Weekend stuff.

Aside from my lazy ass start, my weekend was full and fun, and whoo. I am now buckled into my office chair to get the five hours of work I had set aside for the weekend done.

First things first, how did I ever live without a crock pot before? Today I spent maybe ten minutes getting personal with a pot roast, stuck it in the pot, and when I came home hours later from a baby shower (#334 for the year) my house smelled AMAZING and dinner was deelish. I will be crockin' it all winter.

Last night I had a very surreal experience. I played poker and smoked cigars with my baby-now-an-adult nephew. While hanging with his friends, it took every ounce of restraint I own not to exclaim how CUTE he is. Oh, you had two pair? That's adorable, honey! Here, let Auntie trim the end of your cigar. Who's a good boy?

Seriously, it was so weird. But actually, very fun. We don't spend too much time together, so I was constantly amazed with his (cute) quick wit.

Taking him home, we got on the freeway and I was grumbling about how much I hate the rental car I'm driving. I hit the cruise control just as he was reaching for the stereo, when the face of it illuminated "CRUISE ENGAGED". My nephew said, "Wow, this car's slow. Tom Cruise has been engaged for a long time now."

Ba-da-bum.

Why I can't get anything done today.

I had every intention of kicking some ass and taking names this morning, but so far I haven't done shit. Unless you count having a piece of pumpkin pie for breakfast. If so, then I've done it DOUBLY.

For some odd reason I have the Milli Vanilli song, "Blame it on the Rain" running through my head. I woke up with it. I haven't even heard that song in I don't know how long. It's not raining here.

And really, it's not actually the song, just the "Blame it on the rain!" chorus line. In my head it's all exaggerated. "Blame it on the RAYYYYYY-N, yeah yeah."

I will now take a nap and start the day over, please and thank you.

"and please let her refrain from kicking the car dealer in the balls..."

This week when I was having car troubles, I needed to call a client to say I couldn't keep an appointment. After I explained my woes, she said, "We should pray about that."

I laughed, "Yeah..."

And then she busted out in prayer. REAL PRAYER, starting with Dear Lord and all. And I was sitting there on the phone, sorta stunned. Do I close my eyes? Do I fold my hands? Is it okay to pray to hurry up and get done praying? And what do I say after that? Besides the obvious "Amen"?

Turns out I said the amen, and then, "Oh, I put your invoice in the mail."

Smart! Thanks for the blessing! That'll be $250.00!

Huey and Charlie

In 1985 I saw Huey Lewis in concert. And the News. He was big then, baby. So big, that I remember my middle school having a HL&N cover band come in to entertain us at lunch one Friday, and everyone I knew was so excited they could hardly stand it. Even though it WASN'T Huey Lewis, or his News. It was just a bunch of guys SINGING their songs. And horribly, at that. In fact, they weren't even allowed to say DRUG...oh no, they had to change their lyrics to "I want a new TRUCK". One that won't make me sick. One that won't make me crash my car and feel three feet thick. I want a new truck!

Anyway, I remember being very excited to see him in concert. I believe it was my second concert ever. The first being New Edition. Oh, Bobby. I can't believe I'm writing this. So, I was excited, but I wasn't jumping up and down lunatic excited. Just admiring the fact that Huey Lewis was RIGHT THERE in front of me. And I know every song! Weee. But this guy behind me? He was like 8 feet tall? He was trying to talk to my girlfriend and I while we were watching, and we weren't having any of it because guy, HUEY LEWIS IS RIGHT THERE. At one point, as the crowd was growing quiet between songs, I guess I made a loud "whoop" noise. The guy behind me suddenly yells, "SHE LOVES YOU HUEY!!!!!!!", and I turn around and he's pointing down to me. Which then made EVERYONE around us turn around as well. I remember being completely humilated. LOVE him? That's a bit strong. So I just gave the on-lookers a little thumbs-up sign and then grabbed my girlfriend's arm and made her move somewhere else with me. DO NOT humilate me, Giant!

Last night I had a dream in which I was supposed to be meeting Prince Charles (why?), and I was upset because the jeans I was wearing were way too long. REALLY long. And I was standing in some sort of receiving line, looking down at my pant legs and wondering what the hell I was going to do. Maybe Prince Charles wouldn't look down. Should I roll them up? If I did, they'd be these huge cuffs, and I couldn't have that. So instead, I paced back in forth with these long jean bottoms covering my feet and folding forward as if extensions of my legs.

I mumbled to myself, "What the fuck?"

Then I heard a voice behind me say, "I'll take care of them."

I turn around and it's Huey Lewis and he has a huge pair of scissors that were neon yellow and had a bumble bee pattern on them.

"I'm okay", I stammer.

"No way, just a few snips and you're fine." He then bends down, picks up my leg fro m under my knee and starts cutting away.

"Hurry, I'm up next!" I yell just as I see Prince Charles coming up to me.

"You'll be fine!" shouted Huey and I could hear the crunch of the jeans under the scissors.

Someone handed me a can of Coke. Another person started fanning me with this huge Japanese fan. Prince Charles was now in front me and saying, "Oh darling..."

"THERE!" Huey exclaimed, and then jumped up next to me. I looked down. One leg was cut perfectly, the other was cut up to my knee.

"You're kidding, right?" I asked.

And that's when Prince Charles linked an arm through mine and we stood posing for pictures, with Huey trying to cram into the shot by shoving his head into my shoulder from behind.

THE END.



Huey. He was just trying to help.

Other celebrity dreams can be found here, here, and my personal favorite - here.

Eyes on the road, please.

Yesterday I had to have my car towed (new cars dying are the thorn in my side), and I was sitting up with the tow truck driver, when he decided he was going to tell me his entire life story. Which included pauses that I could pretty much time, and knew would be met with full eye contact. When those eyes needed to be on the road. Tell me later? Write it up and e-mail it to me please? I don't want to die because you were married four times and felt the need to describe each marriage to me in full detail.

We were on a stretch of highway that had one lane (the slow lane?) that was in a hurt for some new surface paving. Of course that was during Story About Nutjob Wife #2 Who Always Smelled Like Cinnamon Cookies, but I couldn't hear much over the bumpbumpbump that made both of us (well, me mostly) look like we were galloping down the freeway on horseback. Ohuhhh reAAlly? CinUHHHHmon, huh? Good god, man.

Overheard during Prior to Start of Meeting Chit-Chat: "I haven't been to church in a fucking long time."